Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Current Boyfriend Has Picture of Deceased Girlfriend In His Wallet

85 replies

Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 01:32

My current boyfriend and I have been dating since a few months after the mother of his children passed away in a tragic car accident. He shared two boys with her. The circumstances behind the car accident are terrible. She was seeing another man behind his back and was picked up from her job and they went bar hopping with a male co worker. According to the police report, all 3 passengers were drinking beer. She reached over to kiss her side boyfriend and he crashed the car. She was the only passenger not wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the car. Very tragic. In the beginning of our relationship and the getting to know each other phase, I asked him if he was sure he was ready to date. He said I was the second woman he decided to court after her passing.

Now, we are deep in love and we see each other a few times a week and go on dates with our children. Well, one evening I bumped into my accent table and knocked his wallet and keys over. The wallet fell open and I noticed a picture of her in his wallet. At the time, he also had her picture on his phone home screen. For awhile, he was wearing the necklace she had on when she died. He also has a big mural to remember her on his chest and three months into our relationship, he got her birth date and death date tattooed on his wrists.

Now I'm all for assisting and be supportive in the grieving process but it's like everywhere I look, I am reminded of her and he tells me that he keeps this type of memorabilia so that his children don't think that he forgot about their mom.

Question: am I over reacting to seeing the picture in his wallet? I asked him about it and he stated that it was in his wallet for ten years and left it at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 02:29

He is a foster child and the grandparents of his deceased girlfriend is very flakey when it comes to seeing the boys. His foster mother doesn't speak English so it's hard for the boys to communicate with her and to top it off, he moved him and his boys in with his mother shortly after the desrjb

OP posts:
Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 02:29

Death

OP posts:
LilyMcClellan · 15/08/2017 02:37

In the nicest possible way, you need to step quietly out of this complete clusterfuck.

Your boyfriend is processing the death and betrayal of the mother of his children and partner of 10(+?) years. He's clearly not over the whole thing (as you'd expect after less than a year).

He's also using guilt to manipulate you by saying he'd break up with you if you "abandon" him when you want to step back a bit.

His boys, at least one of whom is old enough to articulate himself well, are processing the death of their mother, and are not surprisingly rejecting this new mother substitute who arrived on the scene extremely quickly.

Tell him to get himself and his kids to grief counselling, and come back and see you in another year if he's in a better place / still interested. You will be saving everyone, including yourself, a pile of grief and pain.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 02:37

So these children have lost their mother and their home, and have to adjust to living with a stranger (she must be a stranger to them if they don't speak the same language).
They also have not been supported by their maternal grandparents.

Let me guess - you fell in love with him and thought you could rush in there and rescue his motherless boys, as part of that love? And that was fine for the one who responded with inappropriate attachment to you. But rather difficult for you with the one that didn't want to be mothered by you - in his eyes, your behaviour was mothering.

And what of your children in this?

This was and is all too soon. Just how quickly after their mother's death did you meet them?

You need to back away now, and hope that your ex boyfriend has the emotional maturity to ensure that the oldest son doesn't blame himself.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 02:39

Hats off to his foster mother for opening her home to his sons.

5BlueHydrangea · 15/08/2017 02:39

Sounds like a mess all round...
I really don't think it's going to go well .he/they need time and space to grieve. You certainly shouldn't be moving in together so soon.

PrincessPlod · 15/08/2017 02:41

He was clearly in love with this woman when she died and her being unfaithful makes no difference. He should never be dating someone after 4 months because he clearly hasn't worked through his grief which is no good for you, him or the children. It's time for you to back away.

Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 02:44

We don't live together. I have my own home

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 15/08/2017 02:47

I'm sorry, but I agree with the others that this was all far too soon. Too soon for all of you, but especially for his sons who have lost their mother, their home and everything that seemed secure about their lives.

Please, back away from this man. Gently for the sake of the boy who has become attached to you, but you need to back away.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 02:53

How long until you first met them Hunt?
Do you think you are a "rescuer"?
And what of your own children dragged into this?

What do you plan to do now?

Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 03:00

No I don't think I am a rescuer. We were dating causally at first with a few dates here and there and conversing on the phone. One day, during a house date at my home for dinner, he showed up with his children to my home without prior discussion

OP posts:
Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 03:01

I met his children 3 months into dating

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 03:14

And at that point, 7 months after their mother had died, and just 3 months into dating him - when he showed a massive disregard for your right to be involved in that decision, and massive disregard for his children's emotional wellbeing - why did decide to continue dating him? Confused

I don't understand this at all. Why did you turn start with your family days out instead of either breaking off with him or at least telling him to keep his kids out of it?!

Poor bloody boys Sad

Surprise!!! Meet your new mummy ShockAngry

And that was after 3 months, some of which was just casual.

Yes, grief fucks you up - but kinda getting the impression that this guy isn't a prince and the tragic death postdated that.

yorkshireyummymummy · 15/08/2017 03:16

Is he English? I'm only asking because we haven't taken into consideration that if he is from a country which is culturally opposite to England then there may be ways which although are wrong and odd to us,are usual in that culture. Also you said his foster mother does not speak English. Does his mother ( who you said he is living with) speak English? What does she think of your relationship?

HelenaDove · 15/08/2017 03:18

Ellis i got the same impression on page 1.

Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 03:22

His mother is polish and I just asked him if he has told them about me and he said no because he doesn't want them to judge. He also informed me that he takes care of her billing as well as his two older brothers ! Wtf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 03:23

The kids and him speak English, he and his siblings are the only ones to be able to communicate with his mother .

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 03:25

I thought the OP meant the foster mother was who he was living with... just assumed she didn't retype foster.
Whole other potential can of worms if he and his children are now living with a mother who couldn't raise him full time herself - though I know there could be reasons (such as a disability) that could lead to her needing support as a mother but which aren't an issue with her home being suitable now he is an adult. Still, it makes you wonder whether there are also issues there.

Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 03:28

You are totally correct . I need to walk away

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 15/08/2017 03:28

Ellis and Helena- I know it's absolutly no excuse but maybe this explains why she was having an affaire and why his behaviour is so strange. It's almost like he is having a ' revenge f*ck' , a tit for tat shag. He got together with the OP 3-4 months after his wife died and she wasn't his first ' relationship' - he has hopped into bed with someone with indecent haste and it's almost as if he is sticking two fingers up to his dead partner- but then the flip side is he is not processing and coping with the grief and he feels guilt, hence the tribute tattoo, the recent tattoo, wearing the necklace she was wearing when she died, the picture in the wallet etc etc. Why is his mother not telling him to get help? Does she not see how the children are struggling?? It sounds odd all round to me. OP- you might be in love with him but despite what he says I do not think he is really capable of being in love at the moment.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 03:29

You're confusing me Hunt

Is his foster mother Polish?
Is his birth mother Polish?
Which does he live with? (and pay bills for, and has not told you about)

You know if he has not told his family about you, then he has almost certainly told his boys not to mention you? (at least to the English speaking members)

Because that's a whole heap of emotional shit and pressure two small suddenly bereaved and rehomed small children need.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 03:30

It's certainly a situation where you wonder what the truth behind the "flaky" maternal grandparents is...

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 03:32

Cross posted.
Then walk away.
I know you're pretty unlikely to be in this widower situation again. But you'll be in the situation of introducing your own children to other men again I'm sure... so maybe it's a good lesson in waiting longer first, to see if the relationships has legs?

sykadelic · 15/08/2017 03:40

It sounds sort of like he was/is desperately trying to find another mother for the children. Not that he's trying to "replace" her, but to give the children another motherly figure to ease their grief. To give him someone else to help him with the children, to have that support.

Of course I don't know him but I really don't think it's about you at all. I think he's seriously grieving still, hence the photos, necklace, tattoos. There's trying to remember their mother and looking like he hasn't forgotten her, and not having moved on.

I can't imagine loving someone, having children with them, and then on their traumatic death, finding out something so awful about them. It would be hard to hate someone who wasn't there... to never have closure, or answers. How long was it going on? Did she love him? Was she going to leave me? So many questions and no way to get answers.

Add to all of that, suddenly having no help with the children. Maybe she did all the parenting and he's totally overwhelmed with having to look after them all alone. It would certainly explain why he suddenly showed up with his kids only 3 months in (7 months after she passed)

I would tell him that you think he and the children need more time to grieve. I would remain friends (abandonment and all that), allow the children to continue to associate with each other, but romantically, you need to distance yourself.

Original poster
Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 05:25

Thank you!

OP posts: