Current Boyfriend Has Picture of Deceased Girlfriend In His Wallet

[Huntfambambiz]

My current boyfriend and I have been dating since a few months after the mother of his children passed away in a tragic car accident. He shared two boys with her. The circumstances behind the car accident are terrible. She was seeing another man behind his back and was picked up from her job and they went bar hopping with a male co worker. According to the police report, all 3 passengers were drinking beer. She reached over to kiss her side boyfriend and he crashed the car. She was the only passenger not wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the car. Very tragic. In the beginning of our relationship and the getting to know each other phase, I asked him if he was sure he was ready to date. He said I was the second woman he decided to court after her passing.

Now, we are deep in love and we see each other a few times a week and go on dates with our children. Well, one evening I bumped into my accent table and knocked his wallet and keys over. The wallet fell open and I noticed a picture of her in his wallet. At the time, he also had her picture on his phone home screen. For awhile, he was wearing the necklace she had on when she died. He also has a big mural to remember her on his chest and three months into our relationship, he got her birth date and death date tattooed on his wrists.

Now I'm all for assisting and be supportive in the grieving process but it's like everywhere I look, I am reminded of her and he tells me that he keeps this type of memorabilia so that his children don't think that he forgot about their mom.

Question: am I over reacting to seeing the picture in his wallet? I asked him about it and he stated that it was in his wallet for ten years and left it at that.

He may keep a photo in his wallet for the rest of his life, this was the mother of his children and she will always be. Rip. Suggest he and the children need time to adjust and grieve. I would walk away,because it's too soon

They haven't even passed a year since their mothers death. It's a bloody disgrace neither of you can see how inappropriate your behaviour is.

He is clearly not ready to be in a new relationship, I would leave.

Let him grieve his way. This is separate from you. I lost someone and kept photos etc for a few years after meeting she. It didn't mean I loved him any less or was any less committed. I was moving on with my life but still had a lot to process. It's hard to explain but don't see this as a threat or in any way deminishing his feelings for you.

Those poor children. Mother barely cold and their father is dropping women into their lives. Their mother is dead and their father is providing no continuity. Have they had professional help?
They and him aren't ready for a new family and whilst it would be a fairy tale for you to fix it all, I don't think a partner can.
He needs to be their parent by himself and focus on them.

I have read all of the above and I can see that you all have the poster's best interests at heart, but as a widowed parent, I feel really sad reading a lot of the responses. Here are a few thing so would like to add:

As someone has pointed out, it is not uncommon for people who are widowed to try and find a new partner pretty rapidly after the death of their partner. Some people are not good at being alone; some people want to try and make things right. There is no right time. I agree that this man will not have had time to process his grief, but the phrases some of you have used above to describe this man really sadden me. Clusterfuck? Really? Trying to decide which socks to wear in the first few months after being widowed is hard enough. Making more complex decisions is incredibly difficult. We all make mistakes and I get the impression this man is just doing his best. (But I totally agree that the poster would have a difficult path ahead if she decided to stay with him.) For people widowed through long term illnesses (not I this case), a lot of the grieving might have been done while the partner was still alive.

The grieving process is not a linear entity. When you are widowed, it changes you as a person and you have to find a new you. It is a question of rebuilding and rediscovery. It is painful, tiring and complex. It is individual and it goes on forever. There is no end. We move forward because we want to - we have learned the hard way that life is for living, but the death of the person we loved will always be at the centre of who we are and who we have become.

It takes a pretty awesome person to see past the complexities involved in dating a person who has lost a partner, especially if there are children involved. But we are not clusterfucks. We are people who have loved and lost and who often hope to find a new love in the future. My boys ask me frequently to find them a new daddy. They don't want us to be a family of three for ever any more than I do.

The situation in this case sounds incredibly complex and sad for the family involved. The poster may not have had any idea what was really involved in beginning a relationship with a widower. Don't berate her for it. Personally, knowing as many widowed folk as I do (for we have our own club that no-one wants to join: WAY Widowed and Young), I would say that this man is unlikely to be emotionally available at this time to fully engage in a mutually beneficial relationship. Do I blame him for trying or for the poster for trying? No.

I'm sorry you're getting a bashing from some pp.

I wouldn't date a man with the picture of another woman on his chest. Then he gets extra reminders of her with dates of birth and death.

Especially after she was cheating... He still did that.

No way. He's still grieving and I don't think he's ready despite what he says.

I'd end it.

I'm a widow, from various widow groups I've been part of, there have been quite a few people who have gone on to have new relationships, after a couple of months, others after a year or two.
The ones that were within a few months didn't work out longer term and was the cause of more heartache and loss.

I'm not sure he's in a place to have an equal relationship right now or for the foreseeable future.

I imagine they are all traumatised by what's happened.

I'm guessing his children are quite young, so they will be trying to process and make sense of their lives. That will be ongoing.

Can you encourage him to seek support through counselling?

Other things that might be helpful.

WAY ( widowed and young) were a lifeline for me. They have an online community along with local meet ups and family events too.

Winstons wish is a charity supporting children dealing with the death of someone close.

I think you should halt the relationship as it is now.

Be friends if you think that could work.
I think he needs friendships, but not ready for a relationship yet.

Survivaloftheunfittest, just want to say that widows and widowers aren't being called clusterfucks. The term was being assigned to the complicated and messy situation, that seems to be distressing the children. Your post was really wise, I'm sorry for all you've been through.

Thanks parrotseatemall for your kindness.