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Original poster

When to expect a real commitment?

89 replies

Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:38

I've been with my partner for two years and we had previously discussed moving in together at the end of next summer as we both currently rent and that's when my tenancy would be due for renewal, I've only recently renewed on my house on a 12 month contract.
We both have two children from previous relationships so have taken everything very slowly for their sakes but we are geverally a very happy unit and the kids seem to enjoy being all together and with me in particular. By the end of next summer we will have been together three years so I don't think it's moving too fast.
Anyway, long story short, he is saying he won't be ready for the big move, or marriage and we won't be having any children (enough kids between us already).
He says he loves me and wants to live with me and marry me at some point but isn't sure when that will be.
Neither of us are young I'm early 30s he's early 40s and I'm on the verge of walking away because he's offering no real commitment to me and I feel now like he will never be ready.
If he loves me so much then why wouldn't he offer some commitment?
AIBU to expect something more than bf/gf when we get to three years of our relationship?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 14/08/2017 09:41

You want more. He doesn't. It's not a case of who is BU here, it's just different expectations.

He's been very clear. You need to listen to what he has said and decide whether you want the relationship to continue as it is.

TwitterQueen1 · 14/08/2017 09:43

FWIW I don't think 2 years is a particularly long time when you each have children, houses, careers etc. And you mention several times about it being 3 years - next year! That's a bit odd to me. You're jumping ahead a lot. Lots could happen over the next year. You're pushing him into something that he's not ready to commit to.

Offred · 14/08/2017 09:45

YABU to think commitment is based on numbers of years together yes.

If you are thinking about blending a family you need to think more along the lines of; 'do we want to blend the family?' 'How do the kids feel about it?' 'How will finances work?' Etc

Blending a family is very tough and often does not work out well at all, you have to ease into it and make sure all the kids are on board and you have to BOTH want to do it. Lots of single parents with kids won't want to do it, not ever, and not because they are phobic about commitment or emotionally unavailable but because they just want to prioritise raising their kids and don't want to take unnecessary risks re their stability.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 09:49

Its still summer this year.

Maybe in a year he will be ready. By which time its actually 3 years. Or maybe he wont.

Also he could say 'yeah i am ready' and you split for different reasons in the next months.

Neither of you are wrong. You want different things and are ready for different things.

You cant make him want, what you want. He has been clear with his intentions. You can only control what you do with that info.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:49

I'm not basing it on the fact that we will have been together a certain amount of years, we've been together two years and for 18 months of that we have spent almost every day together. His kids want to be at my home at every opportunity.
If he never wants to that's fine but I wish he'd be honest about it. I've very open about what I want, I want marriage and a proper commitment and if he's not willing to do that then why string me along for the last two years

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 09:50

Has he strung you along. Or has he relaised he isnt ready for it.

It sounds very intense.

TheNaze73 · 14/08/2017 09:51

I agree with TwitterQueen

What's the rush?

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:54

Also the reason we were discussing ahead of time is because of being tied into rental contracts for either 6 or 12 months (standard tenancy lengths) and his is due for renewal at Christmas. So we originally discussed how we will move forward with that, will he renew for another 12 or 6 months?
He suggested moving in makes sense as he's at mine all the time anyway and I'm feeling like I'm picking up the bulk of the cost of living as a result. Between we're paying in excess of £1600 pcm in rent alone.
He is now back tracking and I'm hurt to be honest

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 09:55

If you want another child then believe him when he says it's not going to happen.

Don't be that person who thinks he'll come around in time, whilst your fertility ticks away.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:56

Why does it sound intense? We love each other and I just want to move forward with our lives at some point.
I don't particularly want to 40 and living separately to a boyfriend. I want more stability in the long term

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:58

Jesus Christ I want no more kids!
What I was saying is there is no commitment being offered in the usual sense of couple's moving on with their relationship

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 10:00

Can you explain about the bills situation? He and his kids come to your house a lot - you say you see him every day. Does he pay towards your bills?

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:01

Nope. He will bring food with him a couple of times a week and cook dinner here

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:04

Bills situation is he pays for all his outgoings for his home, and I pay for mine.
However there is a big discrepancy as he showers, cooks and occasionally does washing at mine.
He comes to mine because I have my children most of the time, 5-6 days a week and he has his at weekends. Our kids are roughly the same age so they want to come to play/stay over at mine regularly

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 10:06

So wait.....you spend every weekend of your life taking care of his kids at your home?

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:08

Pretty much yeah

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:10

This is why I'm so pissed off, I'm expected to play step-mum and they are here a lot. We are already living/acting like a family but I'm being offered no commitment for it other than the vague promise of us potentially living together and getting married.
I actually called time on things at the weekend and he has been non-stop declaring his love for me but still said he isn't ready to start thinking about settling down properly

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 10:14

Well that's the answer to the mystery.

He doesn't need to do shit. You are raising his children with him regardless. And he gets to keep his "space".

Yeah, you've been a bit of a mug here I'm afraid.

You have to knock the step mum stuff on the head at least. Or turn the tables and send your kids over there for a Saturday whilst you go off into town for the day. I bet he wouldn't tolerate that much.

Mustang27 · 14/08/2017 10:15

I see where you are coming from with the commitment thing. I'd say it's either move in or step out as it's not fair you are playing mum too 4 kids at the weekend and he is treating your house like a home a lot of the time anyway it's stupid. This is coming from someone who likes their own company here but it's just odd. You don't have too get joint bank accounts and start wearing each other's underwear Hmm he is being a twat.

Adviceplease360 · 14/08/2017 10:15

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 10:19

Also realise that you are in no way shape or form a family.

Imagine if one of your female friends expected a play date every weekend, month after month. At your house. You'd think they were a cheeky fucker.

But because you're sleeping with this guy it's all that different? Nope!

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:20

He is here too with the kids, he's not going out and leaving them with me and he is a good hands-on dad to be fair to him. My issue is with the "not-ready" to move in talk from him is that we're basically doing that now? We're always together and our kids are living blended as a group/family so it's not like he can be worried about them with it?
I even have his kids after school sometimes because they're desperate to come over to see me and my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:20

I've just read my last comment back to myself.
I'm being mugged off aren't I

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/08/2017 10:21

It's clearer now. Get busy at weekends without him and his kids. Tell him if he's not ready to settle down that's fine but he will need to take more responsibility for his kids and household in general. Don't crack now you've called a halt - let him see what weekends are like without good old reliable Frazzled in charge of his kids.

HipsterAssassin · 14/08/2017 10:22

You spent pretty much every day together from 6 months in?

That's not 'taking things slowly'

I've been with my BF for 18 months and our kids have barely even met!

Plus, you are both young.

However. From the current situation it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Expenses not shared equally. You are accommodating everyone. Sounds like you let things progress quickly but based on 'assumptions'. And that the kids get on - which is fab but isn't the reason to blend families.

What will protect you all in blending a family is that everyone is on board. Nothing more, nothing less.

Fair enough to call time on this situation, but it seems like it moved pretty quickly to me.

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