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Original poster

When to expect a real commitment?

89 replies

Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:38

I've been with my partner for two years and we had previously discussed moving in together at the end of next summer as we both currently rent and that's when my tenancy would be due for renewal, I've only recently renewed on my house on a 12 month contract.
We both have two children from previous relationships so have taken everything very slowly for their sakes but we are geverally a very happy unit and the kids seem to enjoy being all together and with me in particular. By the end of next summer we will have been together three years so I don't think it's moving too fast.
Anyway, long story short, he is saying he won't be ready for the big move, or marriage and we won't be having any children (enough kids between us already).
He says he loves me and wants to live with me and marry me at some point but isn't sure when that will be.
Neither of us are young I'm early 30s he's early 40s and I'm on the verge of walking away because he's offering no real commitment to me and I feel now like he will never be ready.
If he loves me so much then why wouldn't he offer some commitment?
AIBU to expect something more than bf/gf when we get to three years of our relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:24

The pathetic thing is I've been doing over and above to show him how wonderful I am because I love him and thought this relationship was heading in the direction I want.
It's becoming clear that it's not and I'm struggling because I think I know I have to call it a day but I'm scared to

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HipsterAssassin · 14/08/2017 10:26

Currently you have sleep-walked into doing this all on his terms.

You don't need to finish with them you just need to stop playing step-mum.

Stop with the weekday play dates and 100% availability.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:26

HipsterAssassin it did but at his and his kids insistence, they're always wanting to be with us so I thought it was nice and went along with it. But now it feels as if he's backtracking and I don't know if I can deal with that now.
I'm not calling it a day just yet but I'm also not willing to continue the status quo for an indefinite period either

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Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:27

Hipster you just hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2017 10:27

It's not pathetic, but this sounds like a good wake up call. He's got what he wants at no risk to himself at all. I second starting to make plans with your kids, your friends, on your own when yours aren't with you, and trying to get some more balance in place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2017 10:30

He and his kids aren't the boss of you are they? What about focussing on what you want? What you need? What makes you happy? Feel valued, and not taken advantage of? If he kicks off about you wanting your home back and spending less time looking after his kids and doing the drudge work, then you know what he's after. If he gets it, then it might have legs.

But it's going to take more effort on his part, and some restraint on your own, so you're not going along with whatever everyone else wants with no benefit to yourself.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:31

I have my daughter full time as her DF lives abroad, so I don't really get time on my own unless it's a specifically organised night out or something.
I think that's maybe how this situation happened, DP comes here and my DD is always here so he thinks he may as well have his DDs over too.
Once I pointed out that I didn't want them here as I wanted to spend time alone with him and he was quite offended because my DD was here so in his eyes what's the difference?

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ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 10:32

It's also not fair to his kids to allow them to see you as a stepmum and to be allowed to assume you are a blended family.

You are not.

They seem to already be calling the shots a bit. They insist on seeing your kids, and everyone makes it happen. That's doing them no favours. Not when their father isn't keen on actually creating a real blended family and has no intention of formalising any arrangements.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 10:36

Can I just ask you, is he financially better off with you in his life than he would be if you weren't?

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:38

His kids call ALL the shots all the time. This is what we rowed about over the weekend. I can't continue with the way things are unless I'm given more in return, that being commitment. If I'm to plat wife and stepmum then I want to actually be the wife and stepmum then... I don't think that's an unfair request.
But he's not ready apparently.

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Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:39

I'm completely financially independent so if we lived together we would likely both be better off as we would he paying 1 x Council tax, Sky bill, rent/mortgage, window cleaner, gas & electric (when you consider the standing charge)

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Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:40

Be* paying I meant

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 10:41

Sorry imperial I misread your comment.
I don't know to be honest, he earns almost double what I do so I doubt it

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 14/08/2017 10:46

I think you need to be less available. Its been too easy to fall into the pattern of him and his DC coming over to you all the time.
Start making other arrangements, go and visit other people with your DD, plan some special outings for you and her. If he doesn't want to commit, then you really shouldn't be building your life around him, even if you don't split up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2017 10:50

It's also not fair to his kids to allow them to see you as a stepmum and to be allowed to assume you are a blended family.

You are not.

They seem to already be calling the shots a bit. They insist on seeing your kids, and everyone makes it happen. That's doing them no favours. Not when their father isn't keen on actually creating a real blended family and has no intention of formalising any arrangements.

Couldn't agree more. He's taking the piss.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 10:52

Why does it sound intense?

Because you spend every day together and you are effectively parenting his children.

Now he decides this life is ok. And lets be fair, from his point of view its pretty cushy.

Butterymuffin · 14/08/2017 10:55

Ah. So he has a much larger income than you that he wants to protect (even if he's sharing it now, that's different to being legally obliged to do so). He wants the status quo in terms of childcare, while not wanting you to have an enforceable claim on him and his money. Sorry OP, time to take a very clear step back.

ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 10:56

I actually called time on things at the weekend and he has been non-stop declaring his love for me but still said he isn't ready to start thinking about settling down properly

So what is your reaction to him today? Cos in fairness he has set out his stall "I offer you NOTHING".

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2017 10:57

The power and control balance in this relationship is well in his favour.

He has things pretty much as he wants them and you have sleepwalked into this. He will never give you the level of commitment you want from him either, you are perhaps the "she will do for now" woman. "Good" enough to live with but not "good" enough to marry or moving into a larger or non rented property.

I presume he has let his children act like this as well and call the shots out of his own guilt. That will not do them any favours in the long run either.

ElspethFlashman · 14/08/2017 10:59

Also please be fully aware that even if you did move in with him, without marriage you have fewer rights than a lodger. You could spend years raising his kids and be out on your ear with nothing in the future.

demirose87 · 14/08/2017 11:06

I think it's reasonable after the time you've been with him to expect a level of commitment from him. However, if he's not ready for it then you have to accept that he may never be. If you're both wanting different things you may not be compatible. There must be something holding him back.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:08

I don't want to be the "good enough" woman, if anything I'm starting to think I'm too good for him.

I don't think it's about protecting his income because I live a much nicer lifestyle than him. We have a much bigger nicer home than him etc. and I make my money go a lot further than he does, he's crap with money and never seems to have any as he's dishing it out to the kids constantly.
I don't know, I think I've woken up and smelt the coffee this weekend.
I honestly didn't think we were far away from marriage etc. We were at his friend's BBQ on Saturday and they were all excitedly asking when we're getting engaged and just laughed and he said "Oh no, we're a long way off that" and I was hurt by that response.
Even his friends were shocked a few said "What are you waiting for? She's amazing, you'll never get better than that mate" and things along those lines so we all laughed it off and changed the subject.
His kids love me, his family love me, his friends all love me... but I can't make him love me the way I want him to can I

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Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:09

Fuck me im pathetic.
What am I doing?

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Flyingprettycretonnecurtains · 14/08/2017 11:15

I think you say to him that you have a complete month off. No kids, no pick ups nothing. No contact. He can then have time to think. You get time for you. Then, if he wants back in, he needs to contact you and you don't blend the families. He dates you. Properly. He has to prove you are not convenient child care. I would also be very wary of the 'crap with money' thing. Why did he separate from his children's mother? Perhaps he used her too?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2017 11:15

There must be something holding him back.

Any risk to himself.

Sorry he's not giving you what you deserve OP. In a way, it's good he's still saying official commitment isn't on he card rather than trying to placate you with a proposal which then never turns into anything solid.

Does he realise how you're feeling now?

Stop saying mean stuff about yourself. You sound like such a nice person and you've been travelling hopefully. But this relationship isn't going to go where you want it to as he's getting everything he wants right now and doesn't want a proper blended family/shared life.

What you're doing it seeing the light and taking steps to have a better life where your needs and wishes count too!

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