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Original poster

When to expect a real commitment?

89 replies

Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 09:38

I've been with my partner for two years and we had previously discussed moving in together at the end of next summer as we both currently rent and that's when my tenancy would be due for renewal, I've only recently renewed on my house on a 12 month contract.
We both have two children from previous relationships so have taken everything very slowly for their sakes but we are geverally a very happy unit and the kids seem to enjoy being all together and with me in particular. By the end of next summer we will have been together three years so I don't think it's moving too fast.
Anyway, long story short, he is saying he won't be ready for the big move, or marriage and we won't be having any children (enough kids between us already).
He says he loves me and wants to live with me and marry me at some point but isn't sure when that will be.
Neither of us are young I'm early 30s he's early 40s and I'm on the verge of walking away because he's offering no real commitment to me and I feel now like he will never be ready.
If he loves me so much then why wouldn't he offer some commitment?
AIBU to expect something more than bf/gf when we get to three years of our relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:16

She had an affair with a work colleague and basically slept around behind his back.

OP posts:
BR62Y · 14/08/2017 11:18

Personally I don't see two years as that long but he sounds like he is miles away from wanting what you want, which is fair enough as long as he is honest. Maybe you have stumbled into this and become too full on, too quickly

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2017 11:18

Who did you hear that from?. If he and he alone then I would also treat that with a degree of scepticism.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:18

Thank you for your thoughtful replies Anne
It's sad that I'm realising that this is going nowhere fast, I honestly believed he was the one.
I'm going to cool things right off for a while and see what happens

OP posts:
GemmaWella81 · 14/08/2017 11:19

Love the way MN turns everything into... LTB.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:19

Attila no it's definitely true, his ex and I have a lot of mutual friends and he has no reason to lie about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:20

Gemma what would you do then?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2017 11:23

Once I pointed out that I didn't want them here as I wanted to spend time alone with him and he was quite offended because my DD was here so in his eyes what's the difference?

Posted the whole section but the first bit is what strikes me.

If you feel like this, are you really ready for moving in together, all day with him, his kids whenever they want to come across?

Possibly less time with your DD, and yes it sounds like he will still prioritise his children over yours when they are there.

Ohyesiam · 14/08/2017 11:24

You are really not pathetic. As other posters have said, change your availability, give him a few weekend if doing his kids on his own, and see what changes. He could go either way, but I very much imagine he will smell the coffee, and come running back, at which point you can set out your terms. Anything else is unfair on you, and all the kids.
Play the long game op, you can do it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2017 11:29

Frazzled,

Sorry to read that re his ex.

You are not pathetic here at all and have your head screwed on.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:31

Boneyback I didn't want them here because I was constantly feeding them and wanted a break. I am not their parent, if we lived together and it was their home then of course they would be there as often as they wanted. But would you want to look after someone else's kids all the time without getting anything back?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/08/2017 11:32

You sound really angry op. So I'd take a step back as anger can cloud our judgement.

Firstly I doubt there was anything malicious in the way he has treated you, he is not taking you for a mug, it sounds like the situation has evolved to what it is.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting more. There is nothing wrong with him not wishing to take it further at this stage. I doubt this is he has strung uou along, more his feelings have solidified as time goes on.

It also doesn't mean he will never want it, it doesn't mean he will either, just simply none of us can predict the future and how we will feel.

I'd not kick off at this stage, but I'd pull back for a few days and have a think. Then I'd talk to him and try to understand his feelings better.

You say you love this man, you want to marry him, live with him, yet at the first sign of hesitation you're accusing him of treating you like a mug, complaining he is taking advantage and threatening to end it.

As said, anger can cloud our judgement, so maybe recognise that, simmer down then try to calmly work your way through it

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:34

I do think this relationship has potential but he needs to realise what he's got with me. I think he's far too comfortable at the moment.
It's not all bad, we laugh, we have fun, he is my best friend and we can talk about anything. But I'm not willing to play wife without the perks that go with that either

OP posts:
GemmaWella81 · 14/08/2017 11:38

Why play the long game? No relationship especially one in its infancy should rely on 'games'...

You sound more keen and he sounds more hesitant, all you're gonna get on here is a progressively harder viewpoint that everything you do is right and he's a waste of space. Not everyone is in a rush to marry, especially after a previous failed marriage. If I ever get divorced I wouldn't marry again no matter how much the other side wanted it, it's a one shot thing for me, not a relationship status to be updated.

Maybe he likes you but just couldn't care less going through all that again.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:40

He's never been married and has been separated from his ex for 8 years

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/08/2017 11:40

Op, maybe he does realise what he has with you.

Look at rhe below statement .

The pathetic thing is I've been doing over and above to show him how wonderful I am because I love him and thought this relationship was heading in the direction I want.

Do you notice anything about it? You thought it was going in the direction you want, not "we" want, you want. You're trying to show him how wonderful you are? That makes is sound like it's an act. Maybe he detects you don't really want his kids there. Or that he isn't seeing the real you, you're simply behaving a certain way to get what "you" want.

You also say he's been stringing you along for two years. Is it more important to you to be married than it is to be married to him specifically?

I'd also maybe think about your motivations here.

Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:43

I'm not into playing games, I think what ohyesiam was saying was don't rush and see what happens with time.
I get that, but I'm not getting any younger either and I'm worried I'll wait around for years and years on a vague promise that will never materialise

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledneedswine · 14/08/2017 11:47

Bluntness it's not an act, what I was trying to articulate is that I'm really trying. I love his kids and they love me, that isn't in doubt... if anything my underlying concern is maybe he's with me because the kids love me, and maybe he doesn't enough?
No I want to be married to him. I don't want anyone else, but I'm also not willing to do all the things a wife does without the commitment from his side. Until I met him I never thought I would get married to he honest

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2017 11:59

Frazzledneedswine

What makes you think that "getting nothing back" will change?

He is already getting everything that he wants.

(I apologise for being so negative Flowers )

demirose87 · 14/08/2017 12:04

You need to talk to him and make your feelings crystal clear. And go from there. It does sound like hes wasting your time to be honest, but only you and him know what you both want and what his reasons are.

HipsterAssassin · 14/08/2017 12:04

Frazzled I think you've done what wimmin do - in a lovely relationship we (sweeping generalisation alert) start facilitating all sorts of shizzle, doing Wifework all over the show, handing it on a plate.

Your only crime was to allow things to progress to this point at full speed. Blinded by the assumption what he wants the same.

Ignore the words. Look at the actions. You know this.

More enlightened men will be respectful around the equality and put the breaks on. Less enlightened men will just grab it all and say 'yes please' because they are having to give nothing in return. This is the patriarchy at work. You are better than this. You have got your head screwed on.

Time to scale it back. Rewind back to that place you were at at 6months in. Go back to 'dating'.

It won't be easy to dial things back but it's the only way to get back on an equal footing.

AhNowTed · 14/08/2017 12:33

As PPs have said scale back your availability. You are right he is getting all the perks without having to put out at all. I'm guessing you went from dating to (non) wife pretty quick.

Offred · 14/08/2017 13:16

Your issue is nothing to do with pretty much anything you've written in the op.

Your issue is that you are in a relationship with a man who thinks it is ok to take all of what's yours and give you nothing of what's his.

He is classically emotionally unavailable and he has used his kids to give you the impression you are getting what you want and hiding behind them.

I don't think it is anything to do with you as a person. I think it is everything to do with his beliefs about women in general.

daisychain01 · 14/08/2017 13:24

Even if you were both equally keen on marriage and living together permanently, you shouldn't underestimate the complexity of blending a family. It isn't until you've done it, that you realise all the hidden issues and challenges that arise - read the Step Parent board for good insight into how difficult it is, and how many tough decisions happen everyday. That's on top of the regular job of parenting.

Its why many people sensibly continue to live separately even though having a good strong relationship. They realise it isn't ever as simple as just conjoining two households.

I think your DP is very right to be hesitant to change the current arrangement with you, OP. And it's all too easy to see him as the bad guy, but you need to think about the alternative of losing him, when actually he's probably making a decision that is putting his kids' happiness before his own. That type of person isn't someone to let go without first finding out what you're really losing.

If I were you, I'd have a much more meaningful conversation with him before you throw in the towel. It may uncover some of his worries and fears that he's been unable to express, because it's hard stuff to talk about when you have the day to day grind of making a living and keeping a roof over his DCs heads even if part time.

Butterymuffin · 14/08/2017 15:23

he's probably making a decision that is putting his kids' happiness before his own.

Not convinced that he is doing all this selflessly. That's not to say he's a bad person but he seems to me to be taking the easy route with his kids rather than making the 'tough decisions'. He's not wanting his kids to slow down (which would be sensible) only the OP, who's currently doing the lion's share of parenting and domestic work but apparently not someone he is ready to commit to. Having a serious talk is no bad thing but it can't be all talk yet everything carries on the same way in practical terms.