When to expect a real commitment?

[Frazzledneedswine]

I've been with my partner for two years and we had previously discussed moving in together at the end of next summer as we both currently rent and that's when my tenancy would be due for renewal, I've only recently renewed on my house on a 12 month contract.
We both have two children from previous relationships so have taken everything very slowly for their sakes but we are geverally a very happy unit and the kids seem to enjoy being all together and with me in particular. By the end of next summer we will have been together three years so I don't think it's moving too fast.
Anyway, long story short, he is saying he won't be ready for the big move, or marriage and we won't be having any children (enough kids between us already).
He says he loves me and wants to live with me and marry me at some point but isn't sure when that will be.
Neither of us are young I'm early 30s he's early 40s and I'm on the verge of walking away because he's offering no real commitment to me and I feel now like he will never be ready.
If he loves me so much then why wouldn't he offer some commitment?
AIBU to expect something more than bf/gf when we get to three years of our relationship?

In his position, he's laughing OP, and I think you are absolutely right to question your relationship.
If he doesn't want to commit to you, he really shouldn't be allowing his DD's to be so entwined with your little family.
It's putting an emotional burden on you for one thing.
Unfortunately a lot of men like to take the easy option.
I do feel for you being at the BBQ - it sounds like he doesn't know when he's well off.
If you go he's got an awful lot to lose - so be careful he doesn't start to dangle that carrot.

Honestly op moving in with you and marrying you is lose lose for him.

He gets what he gets now but you have to join finances to some degree.

He is being open and telling you, you wont get what you want. And if you did, how much more will be put on you.

Its not pathetic. These things grow. A little more, a little more. Until we then relaise how much we have taken on, compared to how much we get back.

Update - We had a long talk where I basically lay all my cards on the table and said how I was feeling regarding the kids, him and his lack of commitment.
He was shocked and upset and admitted his finances weren't in the best shape and that's why he is reluctant for us to set up home together. He said he loves me and we will plan a future together but he recently went onto salary as opposed to sub-contracting with his job and as a result he has taken a rather large paycut. I knew he would be losing money doing this but I didn't quite realise how much until he showed me his most recent payslip. We simply couldn't afford to all live together with his wage the way it is.
He's devastated and is considering looking for another job so we can start building a future together but I've let him know there's no pressure from me.
I feel bad for being so angry at him before but I wish he'd been honest about the situation instead of leaving me feeling like he was rejecting me. I've told him to always speak to me truthfully, even if he's worried he'll be embarrassed as there'll be no judgement from me

It's good you've spoken about stuff but what he's shared about work and money don't explain why he's so happy for you to effectively keep him and his children so much of the time, why everything's on his and their terms and why he expects so much of you and you must expect so little from him.

I'm glad you've felt able to air things but it sounds like it was all about him, as usual, and your feelings, hopes, dreams and fears might have been pushed aside.

From my perspective you have plenty to be angry and resentful about. Please don't push your feelings aside, they're as important as his are.

Encourage him to get a different job if it moves you together towards being in a better place financially. But make sure he's doing it for himself otherwise you run the risk if it doesn't pan out of him blaming you as he was "doing it for you".

It's not punishing him for his salary or anything else to try to bring some balance into the relationship where yours and your own family's needs are met and you operate as partially blended with his where and when that suits and is everyone's interests rather than you accommodating just what he wants without looking to your own right to happiness and feeling of being valued, appreciated and cared for.

Well for me there's an amber flag right there, if all that needs sorting is the finances, then what's stopping you planning now and why did he not tell you something as important as this? Why did he keep that to himself?

I think you are accepting crumbs from him. He's 'considering' looking for
a job. But there's 'no pressure'. Any little sign he and you are on the same page you're delighted and pushing aside the fact that it was a 'no' at the weekend... and that you thought you were a mug. Not much has changed, here, apart from more words about intentions.....

You'd be wise to still pull back IMO.

OP are you me?

I'm almost 8 years into the exact same routine as you - he stays over, kids stay over, our families have all met and get on well, we're going on holiday tomorrow ĺen masse for the umpteenth time. In the time we've been together our close family and friends have had 6 weddings, 2 engagements, 7 babies and we're still living out of drawers at each others' houses every other weekend.

I've done more than my share of looking after his kids after school. He's rubbish with money and prioritises gadget/car/gimmick purchases over more important stuff (like fixing his shower that hasn't worked for 4 months now, yes he is showering at my house most of the time...)

I'm all ready for the next steps but I've been happy to accept crumbs for way too long, and I've given him until Christmas to get his act together.

Don't be me in another 6 years OP

Yanbu OP. I'm of the opinion that barring other issues if you aren't talking about marriage after 2 years it's a red flag. Now plenty of people here will say the opposite but in real life I've never met anyone who have lived together for years and years without at least an engagement!

Nutty my partner and I lived together for six years before getting engaged! Everyone takes things at their own pace for their own reasons.

OP it's good that you've got to the bottom of the reason why. I don't understand why you can't live together on your salaries as they are now though? As you said, living together is cheaper.

Aardfart because we'd need a bigger place to accommodate all the kids, it's all well and good them staying on blow up beds at mine at times but we couldn't expect the kids to not have their own rooms if it was a permanent set up. We'd need a minimum of 4 based on his girls sharing (which they do now as DP has a 2 bed house), my 2 having their own rooms and obviously our bedroom too. 4 bed rentals and to buy are very expensive around here xx

And also Aardvart I'd guess you and your partner lived together for 6 years as a single couple which is totally different and also you LIVED together, that in itself is a commitment

Nuttynoo you're right. Everyone I've ever met who have been together longer than 2 years are talking marriage... maybe not for their immediate future but the intention is there

I don't think you have been clear enough. You need some deadlines in your head and to explain to him that you have only so much tolerance for an uncommitted relationship, and his children will suffer if he lets the current relationship continue with no intention of committing, but pretends to you he does want to. You should be worried about his statement at the BBQ that you are a long way off marriage.

And push back on the childcare for at least a couple of months. It really isn't fair on any of the children if it's not going to last. Think carefully about what moving in together means- you can have his children call the shots.

OP I'm glad you got to express yourself. But I'm unclear on what's changed?