Can a relationship survive alcoholism

[MiniTheMinx]

I have been with DP for two years. Living together for one. He drinks, a lot, I think. 2lr of cider normally, at weekends it can be much more.

He's a good man, kind, funny and sensitive. He treats me well and is very affectionate. However the physical side of the relationship has always been a problem.

When he drinks he loses all of inhibitions and can be very sexual, but he can't always maintain an erection and rarely orgasms. When he is sober he is tired, more withdrawn and rarely interested.

He has admitted that before he met me he drank more. He was also no angel. He is very extroverted and attractive. But he's also sensitive and when not drinking seems to suffer quite low self esteem.

My problem is this, is he an alcoholic? I am signed up for years of feeling insecure because I think he is impulsive when drinking and his insecurity seems to have led him to risky sexual behaviour? Plus, it's only now he is reducing the amount he drinks that I realise his funny social side that I fell in love with is largely dependent on being drunk.

Can a relationship survive one partner trying to go sober? I have been tearful for weeks because he seems so tired, withdrawn and intimacy is dwindling. Is this normal?

2lr a day? Of cider? Sounds dreadful. I'd walk away.

Does he accept he has a problem? Further to that does he want to go sober?

If the answer to both is not a 'yes' coming from him then you are getting way ahead of yourself.

It does sound dreadful, I think. To me it's a huge amount because I rarely drink. To start with I questioned myself because 2 glasses of red is a lot to me.

I can't walk away. There are children on both sides. Happy children who are all settled and attached.

He accepts he has a problem. He has cried, as have I. He is trying to cut down, he goes a few days then gets stressed.

Don't fool yourself about the children. Do you really think they can be happy living with this? Children know.

Sounds like you are codependent if leaving is not an option at all. Sad for you.

I ask myself the same question every day OP, hugs to you
I've been with DH 20 years, I've realised in the last couple of years that he's an alcoholic. He knows he is but can't stop drinking, he thinks he just needs to cut down and control it better, but he can't.
I too make excuses (because that's what they are) not to finish it; we have a child, I know he's a good man, he needs my support etc, but I know in my heart that I should let go because he will be unable to face the consequences of his drinking until I do.

Don't believe for a second the children don't realise things aren't right. You are unhappy, as is your DP (or he wouldn't be drinking), they know and it will make them unhappy too.
Get support for yourself, whether it's friends, family or a councillor, and know that you haven't caused this, you can't control it (and you'll try, believe me) and you cannot cure it.

My DC's are old enough to know, and we have spoken about it. He is not a problem drunk, causing argument and he is good to them. They are fond of him. His own children know too.

I won't leave, I love him. All of him, whether he is drinking or sober I still love him. I just don't want to end up in a relationship of looking after him, and a relationship where he is dependent on me, and sees me as someone other than his girlfriend. I don't want to be his mother.

His kids have an alcoholic for a father, whether he lives with you or not. This puts them at risk, and while he lives with you it puts your kids at risk too, from him directly and from his effect on your perceptions re alcohol being changed by him.

Two glasses of wine IS a lot. His alcohol consumption is off the scale. I know a woman who has lost her kids to the care system because of drinking like you describe.

You may have become used to thinking of the kids all together but you need to think about whether you want your kids living with an alcoholic. His kids, you may care deeply for, but he is their father whatever happens.

I suspect the 'cutting down' is with a view to keeping on drinking not to getting to sobriety without causing dangerous withdrawal. He's an alcoholic who is trying to keep drinking, if he cuts down it will only be temporary, if he hasn't even managed to cut down then you know it is really really bad.

He's an alcoholic. Cutting down won't help, he has to decide to stop and stay stopped. While he is living with you, and you are caring for him, this pattern will continue, with tears and social embarrassment.

You can't make him change. There is a possibility he might stop drinking if you made that a condition of living with you. But the drink will probably win.

Lostball I'm sorry you are going through this too. Has you DH ever managed to cut it out? Has he always had a problem?

Good luck op.

I won't leave, I love him. All of him, whether he is drinking or sober I still love him. I just don't want to end up in a relationship of looking after him, and a relationship where he is dependent on me, and sees me as someone other than his girlfriend. I don't want to be his mother.

That's what will happen. It's happened to me and I greatly resent it. Even if my DH does ever quit drinking our relationship will never be the same as he's become so dependent on me.

I do understand his hard it is to leave as my previous post shows. Be prepared for all you fear to happen, and please put your children before him

Mini,

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

re your comment:-
"I can't walk away. There are children on both sides. Happy children who are all settled and attached".

You get something out of this relationship, that is also why you stay and what you describe is the ongoing chaos associated with alcoholism. Its never stable. If this is what its like two years in, imagine another 3-5, even a decade of the same.

Did you yourself grow up seeing similar with your own parents?. I am wondering why you are with him at all frankly; it seems that you moved in together in the honeymoon phase and now his alcoholism is really coming to the forefront of your relationship.

You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and you are playing out the usual roles associated with such people; that of codependent and enabler. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and alcohol is a cruel mistress. He is also showing you no real indication of wanting to address his alcoholism (doing so without any outside professional support is nigh on impossible and he does not want to really do it anyway) and you're still there propping him up at your own expense.

He is likely to be self medicating his own problems with alcohol and has become physically and mentally dependent on alcohol. If you think these children are happy and settled then you are in your own level of denial about them. They see how you react to this person and learn from you also about relationships. This is no legacy at all to leave your own children and they are all being affected by what they are seeing around them.

You cannot change him and he does not want your help or support.

Al-anon would be worth contacting in your particular circumstances.

He may die young due to his alcoholism and he is an actual alcoholic. What is normal drinking is skewed horribly in this country. Personally I think if someone needs alcohol every day even just a couple of glasses of wine it is losing control.

My stepfather was a functioning alcoholic beloved by all with an incredibly responsible job, I shudder when I think how he was in charge of a large amount of passengers at sea every day.

My stepfather died at 49. The affect it had on his dc, I am a very light drinker I can go months without a drink it sort of turned me off seeing the devastation it did. My sister is an alcoholic, not as bad as him but has huge issues.

See if he will go to Alcoholics Anonymous if you really want to stay with him. But it's an addiction and he is probably self medicating to soothe some inner pain that you know nothing about.

Offred, I think you are right. All discussions have been about cutting down. He has been drinking for years. His social life and hobbies involve drinking. He does charity stuff and is involved in a big historical thing that happens every year....and a big part of that is lots of people drinking. I don't want him to change everything. He's made huge sacrifices for us to live together. I just need him to stop drinking.

I fear for the future. He is forgetful and repeats himself. My father has dementia from alcohol and boxing. I love both of these men, but I don't want to be looking after a sad, forgetful wreck of a man. I want to be happy with him. I don't want to loose respect for him. Some days I'm feeling potty

Thanks Mini

I don't mean to sound harsh but I really don't want you to experience what I have.
I think DH has always had a problem with alcohol but it wasn't apparent for a long time as we were young when we met and he mainly kept it to weekend binges so it seemed 'normal'. He had what I think was a breakdown a couple of years ago which is when his alcohol dependency became apparent. But when I think about it, he's been dependant for a long time, it just wasn't obvious.

It's very hard being in a relationship with an alcoholic, please get yourself some support and look after yourself and children first and foremost before him

Mini,

"My DC's are old enough to know, and we have spoken about it. He is not a problem drunk, causing argument and he is good to them. They are fond of him. His own children know too.

I won't leave, I love him. All of him, whether he is drinking or sober I still love him. I just don't want to end up in a relationship of looking after him, and a relationship where he is dependent on me, and sees me as someone other than his girlfriend. I don't want to be his mother".

What have you said to your children about your drunkard partner?. How have you explained this to them?

You are very much the codependent in all this dysfunction and that is your role here. You're already fire fighting the chaos he brings and taking care of him and his children as well. All your words in the second paragraph are codependency and your children now very much a part of this overall dysfunction as well sadly. They know far more than you care to realise as well, you want this to be their "norm" for them as well? For them to choose drunkards as partners, you're showing them this is acceptable to you out of "love". I think you are confusing love here with codependency and want to rescue and or save him as well. You're putting this man before them by not putting these children first. You have a choice re this person, his children and yours do not. They have to follow your lead.

Your children are sharing a home with a man who drinks two litres of cider a day? That is shocking and unfair. In your op when you said you had been together two years I assumed you didn't live together. I also assumed 2 litres was per week or something as per day is alcoholic territory and I don't know why you are questioning that.

The only happy ending in this is you taking your precious children put of this horror show and starting again by yourself without him.

"I just need him to stop drinking".

Well that is something you can forget about right now because that is not going to happen. Telling him to stop is about as effective as peeing in the ocean and he does not want to help his own self here at all. He simply wants you around to continue to prop him up. Who buys the alcohol?.

"I fear for the future. He is forgetful and repeats himself. My father has dementia from alcohol and boxing. I love both of these men, but I don't want to be looking after a sad, forgetful wreck of a man. I want to be happy with him. I don't want to loose respect for him. Some days I'm feeling potty"

That's par for the course in such a relationship. You're probably already losing respect for him and you will turn into a former shadow of your own self if you continue in the same ways you are now. You will do your own bit to further destroy your own self here. The alcohol will win out here; he does not want to change and you cannot enforce change as much as you wish it to happen. His relationship after all is primarily with drink and his thoughts mainly centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

Alcoholism can affect memory and I am sadly not all that surprised to read that his memory is affected. Its not just the liver that gets damaged by chronic alcoholism, far from it.

I am also not surprised that your own father had his own issues re alcohol, alcoholism can be learnt and your own father had a massive influence on you when growing up. He is partly why you went onto choose someone like the individual you are currently with. Are your parents still together?.

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I'm crying.

I know he is self medicating away pain from his childhood. He has told me stuff. He is very emotionally intelligent....more so than me. He's been ringing this morning because he's worried about me. I believe he is. But I fear if he stops drinking he won't be the person I met, if he carries on he won't be either....he will end up I'll, impotent, bitter and even more insecure.

My children are very grounded and pragmatic. He has never done anything to upset them. He is very good to them. We don't have any financial problems, which helps keep life normal for them. But I'd hate it if in 20 years my son's tell me they feel I wasted my own life, I might do that, but I won't let them suffer.

You are delusional to think that this is a good situation for you or your children.

You are delusional to think he can cut down just on willpower alone.

It's very common for the families of alcoholics to minimise the negative affects of alcoholism on them.

It's likely he's already done long term damage to his brain and his body, and he'll continue to do so.

I echo what @AttilaTheMeerkat said. He's got to go to AA or another programme. Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics.

There's a surprising number of children of alcoholics who go on to marry alcoholics themselves. You have done it and you could be setting a pattern for your children to follow.