Can a relationship survive alcoholism

[MiniTheMinx]

I have been with DP for two years. Living together for one. He drinks, a lot, I think. 2lr of cider normally, at weekends it can be much more.

He's a good man, kind, funny and sensitive. He treats me well and is very affectionate. However the physical side of the relationship has always been a problem.

When he drinks he loses all of inhibitions and can be very sexual, but he can't always maintain an erection and rarely orgasms. When he is sober he is tired, more withdrawn and rarely interested.

He has admitted that before he met me he drank more. He was also no angel. He is very extroverted and attractive. But he's also sensitive and when not drinking seems to suffer quite low self esteem.

My problem is this, is he an alcoholic? I am signed up for years of feeling insecure because I think he is impulsive when drinking and his insecurity seems to have led him to risky sexual behaviour? Plus, it's only now he is reducing the amount he drinks that I realise his funny social side that I fell in love with is largely dependent on being drunk.

Can a relationship survive one partner trying to go sober? I have been tearful for weeks because he seems so tired, withdrawn and intimacy is dwindling. Is this normal?

Hoof that is so sad, I can't imagine the pain of experiencing all of that. Life can be unbelievably cruel. I hope you and your dcs are making a happier life now

Lying about drinking is common when alcoholics start to say they will cut down. But it's the suspicion of lying that grinds you down and destroys you.

You can never be sure when and how much they have had to drink and becomes an obsession.

The alcoholic in my family is now recovered but the effort to get there was immense. 10+ AA sessions a week, other rehab treatments, counselling. It took two solid years and this was with someone who was not physically dependent on alcohol and was relatively young (early 30s).

TBH it was only when the counselling dealt with the underlying issues was there ever a change and a chance for recovery.

Why when I meant to put flowers has a bottle appeared.

I have reported my own post and asked them to remove the bottle.

Unexpected, I'm already poking about looking. I'm becoming highly suspicious, and a bit paranoid.

He now takes a bag to work, he gets up super early, he finishes work at 4 but I'd never home before 6, he has locked safe boxes, and he finds any excuse however small to say "please don't be angry, I want a drink, my day has been very stressful"

Day three no alcohol. But very quiet. He seems flat. Even this is sad to watch because it's like looking at a sad puppy that is so desperately trying to figure out whether they have displeased their human.

I see flowers on your post by the way.

And yes, sneaky searching for alcohol becomes the norm until someone shakes you out of it and you realise it's no way to live.

If your OH has issues that are causing his drinking he needs to address them. Otherwise he'll eventually crack and start drinking again. If this is Day 3 I reckon he's pretty close.

Two whole years and 10 plus sessions a week of counselling but not physically dependent.....flipping heck. But it is the psychological dependency that must be the worst. The dts are short lived. I don't think DP has got to the stage of being physically dependent either. I used to counsel people using something called motivational interviewing. I believe in it. But I can't use this here. I don't think he would agree to counselling.

He doesn't accept he is an alcoholic.

He hasn't sought support with stopping drinking.

He hasn't even said he is going to stop.

These three things are essential.

He has done what all alcoholics who are actively drinking do when someone who loves them looks like they might be drifting away from them because of alcohol; gone into denial, started secretly drinking, made the drinking into the responsibility of the person who is complaining.

The next stage is where he blames you for his drinking.

Alcoholics who don't want to give up will do almost anything to avoid calling themselves an alcoholic because then they know it would not be reasonable to continue drinking.

As as for the poster living in the 'working class area' where alcoholism seems to be normal drinking - this is one major reason why there is a discrepancy in life expectancy. The poorer you are the more likely to suffer from 'diseases of misery'; drugs, alcohol, smoking etc

Greystarling, I think he hasn't gone 3 days. I'm not certain he can.

Offred, you are right, I know. What you set out is exactly how I fear this will go

A star! No that was meant to be sad.

I would be suspicious that he simply cannot go without the drink and instead has just started hiding it unfortunately.

Greystarling, I'm sorry if this is effecting you. I do understand.

When he is quiet, I don't believe he is sitting there thinking about drink. I think it's worse than that.

When I read offred's post it makes perfect sense. I believe he is not able to face his own thinking. The underlying issues stem from his childhood. When he can't use drink to escape those feelings and he thinks I'm the person preventing him using drink to escape it, he may eventually see me as making him unhappy. If he can't escape it and he thinks I'm forcing him to face up to his issues, he will blame me for how he is feeling.

His mother said something just before he moved here. "Don't cry to me, you will mess it up, you know what you are like" I knew at the time what she was getting at.

The way I see it is this, I'm the party pooper. I switch off the fun. I can't win. When we met it was the most amazingly fun, intense, romantic, and whirlwind experience. Now the drink ruins our intimate life. Sex is great but sometimes it just isn't because of the drink. I take this personally, it eats at my self esteem. He has in the past been quite promiscuous, and when he met me, very very full on. He's obsessive and very passionate towards me when he drinks. If drink destroys our sex life (he can't maintain an erection and rarely cums) it destroys any bond. I fear I will be seen as the missery. With no bond and no intimacy he will go behind my back, or with no alcohol and no fun he will because I'm now the cause of his missery. Either way drink or lack of, will undermine our relationship. I really think he might come to associate pleasing me with feelings of pain if he has to face his own fears.

Thank you to everyone.

I'm going to read through everything you have said. I've reached a point of having to make a choice. I can't say yet what I will do.

Reading and then forcing myself to be so honest in my last post brings me to a point of realising that I can't win. If I love him, I will have to love him as he chooses to be.

I can't change things. I love him so much I can't bare him being sad, I can't bare him blaming me, and yet I can't bare to see him destroy his health. I can't win, at all.

I either refuse to look on and watch, walk away, or I enjoy what we have (he's very lovely to me and DC's) and wait for him to fall apart eventually, but like others have said here, if I take that option I'm in for life because his eventual vulnerability will sneak up, and then I can never leave.

I'm crying. I've never loved any man, only this one. I'm mid 40s and facing life alone or life knowing I'll watch him harming himself.

If I don't post again, it's not because I'm not reading and thinking, but only because I'm finding this painful and I've taken everything you've said....and I'm going to fully reflect on your advice. Thank you all, you're a fan bunch (flowers)

Mini - DH does binge drink and he doesn't only lie about alcohol (he lies about the things that make him anxious enough to lead him to drink, normally that he hasn't done something he should have done). However I know that if I ask him 'have you had a drink' and he has then unless I am physically holding a half drunk wine glass he will normally lie. This is despite multiple conversations about how the lie is a far bigger issue than the drinking and me reacting well when he does tell the truth.

How DH acts when drunk has never been the issue. He's occasionally embarrassed me but I doubt any more than I've embarrassed him the other way round. It's the turning to the bottle when he has an issue and then lying about it. He's not physically dependant on alcohol but he uses it as a way of coping with quite severe anxiety. As an example we had an argument whilst on a fairly stressful journey recently (well we didn't have an argument, I said that I wanted to talk to him about something the following day when we weren't both tired) and his reaction was to go and buy vodka from duty free. I found the bottle a couple of days later, he wasn't (to me anyway) noticeably drunk at the time and I could even potentially believe his story that he flushed most of it away (but I know that he would lie to my face about this and it may or not be true, there's no way for me to know). This is the stuff that's shit and I'm trying to make sure that I don't normalise it.

Not wanting to make this into a thread about me, just trying to show this from someone a few years down the line. You're two years in. You can get out. Unless he's willing to admit an issue and head to AA then please do get out.

For what its worth, my DH self-diagnosed as an alcoholic (he brought it up with me) and started going to AA off his own back. Even then it's a battle.

As someone else has said, it's the constant not knowing if you're being lied to that's the issue.

BR62Y - 2l isn't a lot if it's occasional. It's a lot when it's every weeknight and yes I'd say the same if it were a bottle of wine a night. Don't get me wrong, I drink and for limited periods (for example on holiday) I may well get through a bottle of wine a night (or more). It being a normal weekday evening thing? Nope, that's a lot! 4 pints every night down the pub would be a lot too.

Ah mini, take your time

You do need to face up to it, even if he won't and it's painful.

Realistically, at nearly 50 he probably won't be able to change even if he gets to the point where he is willing to face up to it.

You won't necessarily be alone forever. It's really sad but if you want to love again then you will have many chances to.

Just realised that I think my last post cross-posted. Thinking of your Mini. It's hard and yes, take your time.