DP's boss sending inappropriate messages

[Wanderlust1984]

Ok so I've always got on well with DP's boss. Meet him regularly for drinks (with DP obviously) and we always have a good laugh, but never anything in it. My DP left yesterday for a week away working, obviously DP's boss knows this. Then this morning he's started sending me very suggestive messages, how do I handle this? If I tell DP, it will obviously make things very difficult for him at work, but if I don't tell him and he finds out, he'll see it as a huge betrayal?? Stuck! Please advise lovely ladies xx

I am honestly never one to defend a man, really! but I was wondering if this fellow is having a breakdown. That's not an excuse, obviously, but if he is grieving his marriage, and off kilter, he may be behaving irrationally. Just saying, especially as your DH has a jealous streak, and will need to work with this man, that it might not be right to go in guns blazing, what a sleazy man etc.

Not defending, and definitely not saying you should have to put up with this...I have seen people do the weirdest things, reach out in inappropriate ways when relationships break down, and your kindness and friendship might have seemed a life raft to him.

Hang on. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You didn't lead him on or give out the wrong signals. Letting him off if you think it's à messed up out of character mistake is one thing - but blaming yourself is another entirely. Please don't do that.

People do not act out of character. If they appear to do so, it's because you have not yet understood their character.

Whilst this may sometimes be the case, it's not always the case.

People do act out of character at times.

I've got to say that these comments about informing HR are a bit OTT.

As a HR professional, my response to this would be that it happened out of the workplace and it's not between two employees, it's an employee and an employees wife. If it's harassment, that's a different issue.

He made a pass and hoped you'd go for it.

I recently had an employees wife claiming, one of our employees was having an affair with her husband... Whilst I had every sympathy... It wasn't a HR issue.

Men who try it on with their friends wives - having a breakdown.

Women who try it on with their friends husbands - vulture sluts with no morals.

Yup.

I agree it's definitely not an HR issue, and DP isn't the type to make it one either. DP called last night and I told him gently. He's taken it well for now and has said he's been acting weirdly at work too with others, worse temper etc so I assume again it's something to do with the wife leaving. Thank you all for your advice xx

Oh it's not your fault some men genuinely think the men act of being nice to them means your up for it. Sigh.

Mere not men!

It is worth noting his behaviour has been impeccable before this

Well your husband was always there wasn't he?

Women who try it on with their friends husbands - vulture sluts with no morals.

Yup.

Op Would you try and have sex with your friend's husband because you broke up with dh? If you only hung out together with your husband I can't imagine what "signals" you'd have given that wouldn't have pissed off your husband?

I'm so sick of people giving predatory men a free pass.

I've told him and he said he'll deal with it when he's back. I put the shoe on the other foot and imagined if one of my friends was trying it on with him while I was away. I'd be livid and would hate for him not to tell me! Thanks girls for the advice x

In my defence I wasn't trying to offer a predatory man a free pass, I was trying to say his interest might be crazy flailing reaching for a life raft behaviour, rather than sexual predator.

This woman I know hit 40 hard, wasn't happy at home, her relationship with her DH imploded and her behaviour for a year or so was all over the place because she was having a breakdown. She was inappropriate towards me, my H, many of our friends. She was in a pit, it was a mental health crisis.

Another man I know proper messed up just life, relationship, career. Turns out he was bipolar.

All I am saying is, don't attack, he has been out of order, I wasn't suggesting you have given out the wrong signals/blame etc.

Ok i've changed my mind - ypu were right to tell him. Your dh sounds like a thoughtful guy from his reaction. (Which isn't how he first sounded when you said it might be something he put him up to do.)
I really hope the embarassment kick starts the guy into getting some help cos it does sound like he needs it. There could be drugs/drink involved.