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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's boss sending inappropriate messages

111 replies

Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 10:28

Ok so I've always got on well with DP's boss. Meet him regularly for drinks (with DP obviously) and we always have a good laugh, but never anything in it. My DP left yesterday for a week away working, obviously DP's boss knows this. Then this morning he's started sending me very suggestive messages, how do I handle this? If I tell DP, it will obviously make things very difficult for him at work, but if I don't tell him and he finds out, he'll see it as a huge betrayal?? Stuck! Please advise lovely ladies xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 10:49

Yeah they're not offensive, just suggestive. I don't want anyone to get in trouble at work. My DP does have a jealous streak, nothing major but I really don't know what his reaction would be. I might just tell him it's inappropriate and ask him to stop otherwise I'll tell DP?

OP posts:
ClopySow · 13/08/2017 10:49

Because he's an arrogant creepy fucker.

Were they sent last night? Was he pissed when he sent them? Not that that's an excuse.

Frankswife87 · 13/08/2017 10:50

What a creep! I hate men like this. Total pigs Angry

TennisAtXmas · 13/08/2017 10:50

I think I'd say (message) firmly that he seems to have made a mistake and somehow messaged you, when he must have intended someone else. Then say 'please make sure it doesn't happen again'.
I know that you know he didn't make a mistake, but if your DH likes his job, this will send a v clear message, whilst allowing him to back out.
And personally, I'd def tell DH, but explain you've dealt with it.

ClopySow · 13/08/2017 10:51

See he's got you worried. It's him who should be scared of the consequences, not you.

Screenshot and block. Don't engage. Show your partner when he gets back.

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 10:51

The messages were sent this morning. He's always been what I'd call a true gent prior to this morning Sad

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 13/08/2017 10:52

Wander what's your DPs work situation? Is it a small company with just one big boss calling the shots or a larger company with someone more senior? I'm guessing the former and hoping it's the latter.

What's your DP like anger wise? If you tell him is he likely to lamp his boss and lose his job? We're the messages sent late at night when the boss might have been pissed so regretting it horribly this morning?

All of these things would have a baring on what I would do.

ClopySow · 13/08/2017 10:53

whilst allowing him to back out

Why should he be allowed to back out of sexually harrassing his friend/colleagues wife?

It's the very fact that we "manage" these situations instead of stamping on them, that they're allowed to continue.

Redtartanshoes · 13/08/2017 10:54

I'd reply back, be nice, tell him you think he's got the wrong end of the stick, you aren't interested.

I know it's not "right" but sometimes you have to play it out for the greater good. In an ideal world, it would be HR, he'd get sacked, and it wouldn't affect your husbands career... but the reality could be a whole lot different.

Do you think he could have been pissed? ((Not saying that's an excuse but means he's more likely to be mortified and never speak if it again)))

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2017 10:54

Part of me wonders if DP had put him up to this to gauge my reaction!!

Well there is a twist no one saw coming. Huge lack of trust issue on both sides then if you think he can do this.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 13/08/2017 10:55

You need to tell your DP. If you don't and he finds out you hid it from him that would be far worse.

LilaBard · 13/08/2017 10:57

Message him back something along the lines of "think there's been a mistake you obviously didn't intend to send these to me as it would be ridiculous and wholly inappropriate to say these things to the partner of your friend and employee! Perhaps your account has been hacked? Just wanted to make you aware!" Be pass agg af and definitely show your partner

LilaBard · 13/08/2017 10:57

Message him back something along the lines of "think there's been a mistake you obviously didn't intend to send these to me as it would be ridiculous and wholly inappropriate to say these things to the partner of your friend and employee! Perhaps your account has been hacked? Just wanted to make you aware!" Be pass agg af and definitely show your partner

TennisAtXmas · 13/08/2017 10:57

I also believe that sending such offensive messages via social media is also a criminal offence. Its certainly been done to further unsettle you
I'm not minimising what he's done, but he flirted, which is annoying, but certainly not criminal.
And I can't see any evidence that he has been trying generally to unsettle the OP and this is his latest action? I think he was being silly, certainly, but this was the first problem with him ever, and theres no reason to think he was hoping anything other than that she'd respond by flirting back.
He needs telling, but he's not in criminal harassment territory.

RockyBird · 13/08/2017 10:58

You say messages, plural. Have you replied to any of them?

OnionKnight · 13/08/2017 10:58

Tell your DP.

However if you honestly think that your DP has put him up to this and it wasn't you being jokey then why are you with him?

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 10:59

I wasn't serious when I said that, I was just highlighting how much I'm surprised at the messages. He also wasn't pissed when he sent them. It's a big company he works for but I'm not looking to cause anyone employment issues.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/08/2017 11:00

I would message my DH 'Look what xx sent me' and attach the message.

Simple.

Why should it be a secret between you?

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 11:00

I was replying at first when they were general chit chat

OP posts:
BossyBitch · 13/08/2017 11:01

Are you absolutely positive they're intended for you, OP?

Not that it's not a stupid, embarrassing situation if they're not, but it's entirely different.

It's luckily never happened to me, but a co-worker of mine accidentally declared her undying love to our then manager while drunk-texting her ex (or so she thought). Hilarity obviously ensued.

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 11:02

Good idea LilaBard and others who have suggested similar, think I will definitely do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 11:03

Lol bossybitch!! Grin Yeah they were definitely for me unfortunately!

OP posts:
Yoksha · 13/08/2017 11:08

OMG. This has triggered a memory from over 35yrs ago. At the company's Xmas do my Dh's boss blocked me on the staircase and told me he'd like to get me into a double bed. I was 5 months pregnant. I told my Dh. Months later my Dh blew up at him and had to be restrained. He tried to throw him over the stairwell. He's a quiet deep man and this must have been simmering long-term. I'd still advocate te!ling though OP.

EUGH!

ScaryMonstersAndSuoerCreeps · 13/08/2017 11:09

I would report him because if he gets away with it with you then he might think he can do it to another woman.

BossyBitch · 13/08/2017 11:09

Then I'm with everyone: screenshot & block. And do tell your DP. Whether or not he takes it up at his work is his own choice, but he should know.