DP's boss sending inappropriate messages

[Wanderlust1984]

Ok so I've always got on well with DP's boss. Meet him regularly for drinks (with DP obviously) and we always have a good laugh, but never anything in it. My DP left yesterday for a week away working, obviously DP's boss knows this. Then this morning he's started sending me very suggestive messages, how do I handle this? If I tell DP, it will obviously make things very difficult for him at work, but if I don't tell him and he finds out, he'll see it as a huge betrayal?? Stuck! Please advise lovely ladies xx

Do please take a screenshot of the messages, he may well deny things if your DP confronts him.

Have you taken screenshots of the entire conversation, and saved them somewhere that you will find them?

If something happens later on and you want to escalate this, you'll be glad to have them. If he behaves well from now on, it won't hurt to have this record.

bloody men thinking with their wangers as usual

It doesn't matter how "usual" this is - he behaved badly and you should not have to put up with it.

Yeah I've screenshotted and saved, thanks ladies xx

As i was reading the first 3 pages i was wondering what was going on in the guy's life to make him act so out of character/risk his professional relationship with your husband.
I am conscious i'm going against the grain but i'd be tempted to feel a lot of pity. Though equally he's made you very uncomfortable and i don't want to downplay that. He's also apologised. He probably feels mortified. If he's always been a gent before he must be pretty unbalanced atm.
We can all make horrible mistakes. Could you text him back to say you know he's always been a gent and your dh enjoys working for him so as far as you're concerned it never happened.
You can cool off some of the post work socialising but obviously if he's a twat again get your dh involved.

JustHappy3 Yeah, because giving the benefit of the doubt to someone so desperate for sex, he's prepared to jeopardise another marriage and screw up his working relationship with his employee is just what needs to happen. Not.

This creep's behaviour could well be a clue to the cause of his marriage breakdown.

Yup, ok no misunderstanding there. He was definitely prpopisitioning you. And he works with your partner and supposed to be his friend. What an absolute shit bag and scum ball. I think telling your dp is a good plan. I think there will be some fall out though, not many men would accept that behaviour without comment, and the same for women if it was a female friend propositioning their partner.

I don't see what his wife leaving him has to do with it. Doesn't stop you having morals.

Your DP's job security should not rely on whether you respond favoursbly to this creep's advances. And neither should you fear that, by taking firm action, that negative repercussions will result in terms of him losing his job through your rejection of unwanted text messages.

It's an abuse of power.

Your post could be interpreted as saying that she is to blame for his behaviour.

What you're accusing me of is victim blaming which I'm not, and then saying "but I'm sure you aren't". id rather you didn't accuse me of it in the first place then!

Fuck cutting him some slack, his faux don't know what came over me, bullshit- he was trying it on and had you responded in kindhe was hoping you would come all over him things would be in a different place.
How disrespectful to you and your friendship with him, to your DH and their friendship and working relationship- what a shit bag.
I would show my DH, the fallout it on him, try not to feel bad about it.

Don't wait to tell your DH. Tell him immediately before his boss gets his version of the story in.

Block him and no more nights out.

dasiychain I'm sorry you misunderstood my comment on your post.

I was not accusing you of victim blaming. I was saying that your post could sound as if you were, and could make the OP feel bad if she felt that I would not have done that meant you should not have done that so what comes next is your own fault.

Communication without any body language or tone of voice can be misinterpreted, and you clearly don't your post to be taken in that way.

Just in general, women need to stop extending "professional courtesy" to these creepy fuckers by being silent, accepting it was a one-off, protecting these men's careers. These stupid men need to be outed.

Yes, don't wait until he gets back, tell him now before he gets in touch with sleaze.

Before sleaze speaks to DH and gets his version in.

whilst I think he was very very wrong, I think you made your point, he is obvioulsy acting totally out of character (well who knows though!) and it could be more hassle than its worth to take it further. Its wrong that its like this , but sometimes the world isnt fair. If however it caused your husband any issues jobwise, then i would go hell for leather for him.

You have to tell your dp. Then id follow his lead. Mind you this is only because the messages are suggestive but not firing worthy I think. If they were stronger you'd have to ask dp to report them to protect other women he encounters, that's been the decisive factor for me reporting things in the past.

I'd tell DO personally.

Secrets always have a way of getting out, even years down the line.

His behaviour is downright unacceptable.

DP*

You will regret not telling dp!

It's a big company he works for but I'm not looking to cause anyone employment issues.

Why not? He's using work as a grounds to meet uninterested women: it's disgusting. Do not 'cut him some slack' cause his wife left either. You don't know why she left him.

I'm building up to telling DP. He's busy tonight but hopefully I'll get to speak to him on the phone tomorrow.

If I'd have been single, I would not have found the messages creepy, I'd have been quite flattered. I don't work with him so I don't see it as using his work to get women. More his mate's girlfriends! It is worth noting his behaviour has been impeccable before this. I've considered him a good friend, maybe I've somehow give the wrong impression? I've bumped into him on plenty of nights out without DP, in my mind nothing has ever happened to give him an impression of anything more than friends, just a chat, a few daft selfies, buying each other a pint... maybe I was giving out the wrong signals??

I know his wife also and it was an amicable split, she just fell out of love with him. As far as I'm aware there was nothing untoward. So bizarre this has happened, and out of character!!

Personally I adopt this mantra, which is core to the art of psychological profiling:

People do not act out of character. If they appear to do so, it's because you have not yet understood their character.

Don't wash this away all "poor lonely him". He blatantly hit on his friend and direct report's partner. That is an abuse of his position, unpleasant and sleazy. He has probably done it before.

It's part of his character. There may be nice parts, but there is also a sleazy, manipulative part. Bear that in mind when you think about him in future.

You were not giving out the wrong signals.

None of this is your fault.

It's awful that you're doubting yourself and have been left to deal with the fall out of his shitty behaviour - whatever his reasons. It's all on him.