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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's boss sending inappropriate messages

111 replies

Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 10:28

Ok so I've always got on well with DP's boss. Meet him regularly for drinks (with DP obviously) and we always have a good laugh, but never anything in it. My DP left yesterday for a week away working, obviously DP's boss knows this. Then this morning he's started sending me very suggestive messages, how do I handle this? If I tell DP, it will obviously make things very difficult for him at work, but if I don't tell him and he finds out, he'll see it as a huge betrayal?? Stuck! Please advise lovely ladies xx

OP posts:

MrsOverTheRoad · 13/08/2017 11:09

Am I right in thinking you're quite young OP? In your twenties?

Is this boss young too?

QueenBeex · 13/08/2017 11:11

I'd tell dp. Personally it would feel like a type of betrayal if you didn't

loveyoutothemoon · 13/08/2017 11:11

Tell your DH regardless of whether you warn the sleaze or not.

Bardo · 13/08/2017 11:12

send LilaBard's message and tell your OH. Screen shot his messages so he can't deny. Then block

Annabelle4 · 13/08/2017 11:16

Given her username, I'd say the OP is 33.

missmollyhadadolly · 13/08/2017 11:18

I would definitely reply and tell him to stop, firmly and clearly. In case he ever claims you took part in it too.

Trills · 13/08/2017 11:20

Screenshot, block, tell DP, send to HR. All of the above.

SongforSal · 13/08/2017 11:21

This has happened to me a couple of times unfortunately. Do NOT answer the message. Keep it. Show it to Dp for transparency.

This is not your fault/issue. Just twattish men thinking with their dicks.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2017 11:22

Is It possible you are misreading rhe messages intent, what do they say?

SandyY2K · 13/08/2017 11:23

I'd reply with "that's crossed a line. Let's end this conversation".

My DH is a bit jealous, so I wouldn't want it to get out of hand.

You'll have your evidence that you put a stop to it.

Gingernaut · 13/08/2017 11:25

Screenshot.

Block.

Tell DP about messages and how they creeped you out.

Do not give this creep the privilege of silence.

notanurse2017 · 13/08/2017 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493630944 · 13/08/2017 11:29

Sadly some men seem to be incapable of regarding women as anything other than a potential conquest. It sounds as though he has interpreted getting on well as meaning you fancy him. I suggest politely telling him the messages are inappropriate and then ignoring. Avoid socialising with him in future. Tell your DP and encourage him to keep the relationship on a more professional footing, minimising the socialising.

Aeviternity · 13/08/2017 11:29

Sexual harassment thrives in silence. Women no longer have to believe they have to keep it quiet.

Your husband is sitting there oblivious to the fact his boss is propositioning his wife. He needs to know. His boss needs to be fired. If you don't tell him, the boss will happily be sitting there thinking you have enjoyed it and like keeping the secret.

daisychain01 · 13/08/2017 11:29

I was replying at first when they were general chit chat

So your DPs boss started messaging you as general chit-chat and at some point in the exchange he crossed the line from friendly to inappropriate? In honesty I wouldn't be having chatty exchanges with his boss anyway, it means the lines are already blurred.

RockyBird · 13/08/2017 11:32

It's a big company he works for but I'm not looking to cause anyone employment issues.

He's caused them himself. Your DP can decide if he wants to raise it with HR. I would think it would be better if he did in case the scumbag causes him problems in future.

LilaBard · 13/08/2017 11:36

Think it's very important you don't keep this a secret from your partner OP. Remember, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from your OH. You thought you were having a friendly chat with someone you know, it was the boss who made it inappropriate. Any comeback he might get for this is entirely of his own making.

LilaBard · 13/08/2017 11:37

BossyBitch · 13/08/2017 11:37

Also, big companies, IME, tend to be very no-BS and come down like a ton of bricks on harrassers. It's a natural result of a) having a lot of assets to lose in a lawsuit and b) large, professionalised HR departments.

I got my boss' boss fired as a graduate trainee for repeatedly touching me on the back and suggesting I accompany him on a business trip - relatively harmless stuff, actually. HR took a different view.

Trills · 13/08/2017 11:37

In honesty I wouldn't be having chatty exchanges with his boss anyway, it means the lines are already blurred.

You might not, but there's nothing wrong with the OP doing it. She's already stated that they've met socially a number of times.

Your post could be interpreted as saying that she is to blame for his behaviour. She is not. I'm sure you didn't intend to say that she was.

LilaBard · 13/08/2017 11:38

Sorry for all the double posts! I'm on the app

Solo · 13/08/2017 11:38

I had this but I'm single and it was one of my friends partners sending inappropriate messages to me. I gave him the opportunity to backtrack "Obviously not for me" etc but, he didn't stop. I had a thread on here in chat at the time as I didn't know what to do whether or not I should tell my friend... I did tell her (she had an 8 week old baby at the time!) but, I got a mixed bag of reactions on here.

OP, I do think you should tell your Dp and I think he should go to HR.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/08/2017 11:47

Tell your husband now, he'll know the appropriate way to deal with this.
Don't send any more messages, at all.

happypoobum · 13/08/2017 11:48

I would definitely screen shot the messages in case he tries to turn it around on you. You have to tell your DP.

It will then be up to him if he wishes to take it further. I don't really understand why you would want this man to get away with behaviour like this - potentially to other women he has more control over.

Not much female solidarity going on here is there?

Original poster

Wanderlust1984 · 13/08/2017 11:48

Thanks all. I've messaged him asking it to stop and he's apologised and said he doesn't know what came over him, bloody men thinking with their wangers as usual! I'll cut him some slack as his wife's recently left him. His messages weren't offensive, just telling me I'm gorgeous and amazing person etc and that we should go out while DP's away and I'm free to go to his and get takeaway if I'm at a loose end whilst DP's away, ermmm don't think so! For all those saying it's weird I would think it's my DP setting me up, I actually don't, just was that surprised his boss had done this. No I'm not 20s unfortunately, just young at heart . I'll speak to DP when he's back. They're both very senior in the company so I am worried about the fallout, especially when he was such an apparent good friend to DP!

OP posts:

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