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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

relationship with my best friend strained since getting back with my dh

101 replies

RedStripeLassi · 11/08/2017 21:34

im not really sure what to do to make it better. Me and my best friend are close and tell each other everything. So when my dh wasn't treating me well I told her about it and she said I've never looked less like myself and was a real shell of my former self and she was worried for me.

Now things are really good with dh and we're back together. Bf (best friend) opened up saying she felt really strongly against him but admitted I looked more happy and like my old self. The problem is I don't think she wants to come stay at ours and she lives hours away so effectively we barely get to see each other. I've pretty much begged her to come and stay at my new place but she keeps making excuses.

We all used to be good friends and she's known dh for years so I'm hoping she'll just forgive because everything's ok now but I feel like it's putting a massive elephant in the room as far as our friendship goes. Does anyone have any experience of this or how to make it better?

OP posts:
dowhatyouwish · 11/08/2017 21:42

I had a friend like you once OP. We were the best of friends and unfortunately we ended our friendship. It became very stressful with her crying and getting upset at all the bad things her partner was doing. I would never tell her to leave but would always tell her that she deserved better. After he'd stopped sulking she would take him back and expected us all to act like he wasn't a dick when we were at work. I dredging going to work sometimes it was just horrible. Final straw came when he proposed to her after doing something I would consider below below her and complete disrespectful. After that I told her that we could no longer be friends as I wasn't prepared to keep ignoring this wrongs every time she decided she was okay with the disrespect.

My advice would be to never tell your friend anything about your marriage if you really want her to like your DH.

You may have forgiven him for whatever happened and the two of you may have worked things out, but your friend may only be able to see the hurt he has caused and struggle to not look past it knowing that it could all too quickly happen again.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 21:44

Sometimes there's more to these situations and perhaps she has good reason to keep her distance.

Perhaps it's just too uncomfortable for her to stay in your home, which you have to accept.

Can you visit her instead? Or arrange a ladies weekend in a neutral place.

There's a danger to sharing too much info with your friends, because they don't forgive as easily.

WhooooAmI24601 · 11/08/2017 21:49

Could you see her separately and not have any crossover between her and your DH? Have an agreement that you simply don't touch on that area of your life? Could you go to her instead of her coming to you?

It's hard to gauge without knowing what your DH was like but I think best friends are duty bound to be protective towards you, so she's going to take longer to 'forgive' your DH.

Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 11/08/2017 21:50

sandy she's been a star and we've just been away together which she organised and basically paid for so she's keeping our friendship going which I really appreciate. She opened up whilst we were away that this was how she felt but never said outright that she doesn't want to stay with us. It's just constant excuses an non commitments.

dowhat apart from the usual complaining I was never a split up/get back together whikrlwind. It hasn't been me crying about constant drama, more that (in her words) she saw the real me disappearing and she was worried for me. If I can't tell her everything I couldn't tell anyone.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 11/08/2017 21:51

I'm not surprised - your husband is really abusive and I am sure she is just waiting for it to go wrong again and probably doesn't want to put herself through that again.

Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 11/08/2017 21:57

Well, he's not anymore and if I could get her to stay for a weekend she'd see how different our family life is now.

I'm really not complaining about her because she's been really diplomatic and level about everything but I just want to here any advise to keep our friendship non awkward.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 11/08/2017 22:42

I suppose it would depend on what your DH did. Was he abusive? She can't unknow what you have shared. Maybe she is worried for you and doesn't want to condone his behaviour and is waiting in the wings in case you need her in the future.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 22:48

Well she's clearly happy to still have you as a friend as you've gone away together. I think you'll need to leave it at that and stop inviting her over.

If she's ever ready in the future, she'll find a way to let you know. Or perhaps she just isn't able to be pleasant around your husband and would rather not see him.

Friends and family find it hard to forgive this kind of stuff.

I know how angry I was when my Dsis was so upset that my BIL went out and bought a bed and a three piece suite, without my sister having a say in it.

I stopped going to their house for quite some time. I was furious with him.

murasaki · 11/08/2017 22:49

Are you the spliffs and cans of lager in the kids' playground family? If so,I don't blame her.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 22:49

I just want to here any advise to keep our friendship non awkward.

Don't mention your husband.

Maelstrop · 11/08/2017 22:52

I was in your friend's position. My best mate had a very rocky relationship with her DP. We were at hers for a weekend, it was horrific. They are now in a lovely relationship, but I can't get over what a twat he was that weekend and I find it very hard to trust him now.

Seriously, OP, try for a weekend just the two of you, no partners. See it as a rapprochement weekend.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2017 23:11

The fact is you can't expect to tell a friend "everything" and then want them to forget everything you've told them when things turn around.

riverotter · 11/08/2017 23:17

Can't you go to hers?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/08/2017 23:25

He's the one who spent all your family money on drugs and meant that you couldn't afford to buy your Dd a winter coat right?

Does she care about your Dd?

Because I'd struggle to forgive someone who did that to a child I cared about.

ClemDanfango · 11/08/2017 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 11/08/2017 23:30

She sounds like a true friend. She isn't your DPs friend any more though and she has sound reasons for that. Just see her without him.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/08/2017 23:31

Also - are you sure that your life is really so great now? Because the thing that really struck me about you when you posted a few months ago wasn't the fact that your husband sat in the play park drinking lager all afternoon while you and your Dd played - it was the fact that you described it as a "lovely family day".

Your view on what is "normal" and "nice" in a family is very off kilter and it may be that - rightly or wrongly - she doesn't believe that things are really ok for you and she doesn't want to have to see it for herself.

It doesn't mean she is right - but it is a pretty reasonable fear.

HeddaGarbled · 11/08/2017 23:41

She doesn't want to stay with you, but that doesn't mean you can't see her. You could stay with her or you could meet half way.

ForeverLivingMyArse · 11/08/2017 23:49

I'm in a position similar to your friend. One of my best friends was physically abused by her dh several times to the point she had a restraining order against him. Then they got back together and I couldn't stand being around him but I have to tread carefully. If he had any idea how much I know and how much I hate him he'd see it so I was cut out completely which would leave my friend with no one to turn to if/when it happens again.

thestamp · 11/08/2017 23:49

I feel sorry for your friend. I remember you, your dh sounds like the worst kind of waste of space. The kind that does not change for good. I'm sure she sees that and knows full well it won't be long before it's all in the shitter again. She must love you very much to be so affected by witnessing your abuse.

I seem to remember you had some extremely weird ideas about what is ok in a marriage and how you should expect a father should behave. If you had any sense you'd listen to your friend. I don't think you have a lot of sense though. It's a shame

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 11/08/2017 23:58

Full disclosure op: I, a stranger on the Internet, can't deal with your BS and the shit you've put your dd through. Anyone who actually knows and cares for you and your dd in real life must be spinning. To preserve your friendship, you need to keep it just the two of you for now and avoid your P as a topic of conversation.

Question though: are you feeling awkward or is your P making you feel awkward?

chocolatesa · 11/08/2017 23:59

I had this with a friend, her DH treated her horrendously, think other family members coming round to yell abuse at her while he did nothing, and they split up for a while. Unfortunately I could see where is was heading and knew they would get back together eventually so I never said anything too negative about him. I have to put up with him because I am still very good friends with her but I don't really like her OH and I do think she has compromised and become what he wants. She acts happy on the outside but I'm worried it is just an act Sad

AmysTiara · 12/08/2017 00:03

Don't talk about your husband to her. You can't blame her for being like this. She'll be worried about you.

Lizzybeth30 · 12/08/2017 00:07

What is the history to this? Is there a link to the previous thread?

StealthNinjaMum · 12/08/2017 00:34

Sorry I know it's not good form to bring up previous threads but you had pages and pages of concerned mumsnetters telling you to leave your husband. You were frightened that preschool would smell drugs on her, you were worried her school friends wouldn't be around your house, you couldn't afford a winter coat because he was spending family money on drugs, wasn't he throwing household items around and destroying them?

If you were my friend up I would find it too painful to see you go back to him.