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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

relationship with my best friend strained since getting back with my dh

101 replies

RedStripeLassi · 11/08/2017 21:34

im not really sure what to do to make it better. Me and my best friend are close and tell each other everything. So when my dh wasn't treating me well I told her about it and she said I've never looked less like myself and was a real shell of my former self and she was worried for me.

Now things are really good with dh and we're back together. Bf (best friend) opened up saying she felt really strongly against him but admitted I looked more happy and like my old self. The problem is I don't think she wants to come stay at ours and she lives hours away so effectively we barely get to see each other. I've pretty much begged her to come and stay at my new place but she keeps making excuses.

We all used to be good friends and she's known dh for years so I'm hoping she'll just forgive because everything's ok now but I feel like it's putting a massive elephant in the room as far as our friendship goes. Does anyone have any experience of this or how to make it better?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 12/08/2017 06:27

She's still your friend she clearly cares alot.

You also need to be a friend and stop trying to force her to come to your house or have a relationship with your husband. Maybe she cant forgive him but shes there for you and that is what matters. She doesnt want to watch you play happy families.

If he is putting you under pressire to get her to come or is moaning abiut that she wont accept he has changed then he hasnt changed has he.

53rdWay · 12/08/2017 06:39

So by "everything's ok now" you mean he's not smoking weed any more and he's not drinking any more? Because I wouldn't want to stay in a house with an addict who was previously violent and still using.

Angelf1sh · 12/08/2017 06:48

I remember your previous threads and frankly I'm not surprised that she doesn't want to stay at your house (and you are kidding yourself if you think that everything is ok now).

I get it's hard to see her very often if she lives that far away, but relationships can be maintained by telephone/Facebook/whatsapp until you can arrange to meet up for a day away from your home and from your DH. I'd suggest that you do not try and talk to her about your relationship or try to convince her that everything is better now because she will not believe you. It is really annoying to have someone try to convince you that their relationship is fine when you can see that it really isn't but the person (your friend) simply will not listen. Based on past experiences, she doesn't like him she doesn't like what he's done to you and she isn't going to like him in the future. She's never going to like you being in a relationship with him because he has been a nightmare. If you want to stay with him, which is entirely your choice, then you need to accept that other people who care about you and your DD are not going to be happy about it. You need to either leave him out of your relationship with your friend or alternatively you will have to accept that the friendship may lapse because she is unlikely to want to pretend that your family is happy and that everything is fine.

Angelf1sh · 12/08/2017 06:50

*(you) not (your friend), damn you voice memo autocorrect.

IncidentalAnarchist · 12/08/2017 06:51

Oh, god, you again
What do you aim to achieve by posting, apart from sending MNers blood pressure sky high?

smurfit · 12/08/2017 07:00

I've been in your situation... o now have completely neutral feelings regarding my ex but my friends still hate him with everything they have.

Yes, the good times were great but they only seemed so in comparison to the abnormally bad.

It's easy to put yourself back into the situation but it's selfish to expect other people to watch you self destruct. And yes, I was most definitely selfish for what I put my friends through, it's a shame he wasn't worth it.

traw · 12/08/2017 08:22

Hello again red.

Your friend probably feels like I do - shit hopeless at your insane decision to go back to your creepy, unpleasant, hopeless ex.

And resignedly tired at your choice to screw over your daughter in the process.

Does that help.

Witsender · 12/08/2017 08:27

You can't tell her everything, warts and all wanting support and then expect her to about turn and support you in going back to the person you just bared everything about.

Going back was a mistake. Abusive people don't change overnight, if ever. I would probably feel the same as her.

Jijhebtseksmetezels · 12/08/2017 08:28

There is nothing more frustrating than seeing your friend go back to a man who she has complained endlessly about and be expected to pretend that everything is ok.

Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 12/08/2017 08:37

Ok, well thanks for the help. I'm not going to try and push her into visiting. I feel like if she did she'd see how happy dd and we all are. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does though.

I finally have the option to name change so I do slightly so a history doesn't rack up if I'm recognised in RL. I'm leave it a bit recognisable so any posters that have kindly helped in the past knows the history and I don't have to spell it all out. If you see my username and think 'ffs you' just don't post.

OP posts:
riverotter · 12/08/2017 08:39

Can you not visit her red?

Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 12/08/2017 08:43

I do now but it's tricky because of childcare. My mum tends to have dd rather than dh if I'm away for the night and she does so much for me already.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 12/08/2017 08:45

I remember your other threads . I think you have been brainwashed into staying with your abusive partner and can't won't see the real situation. Whereas your friend can see it for what it really is and understandably doesn't want to be anywhere near your partner.

EllieQ · 12/08/2017 08:45

In this case, I think the history is important to understand why your friend doesn't want to spend time with your husband. I expect she finds your decision to go back to your alcoholic, drug-using husband after he was assaulted you (while your DD was in the room, asleep) too much to deal with. At least she is still in touch with you.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 12/08/2017 08:52

Sooooooo you can't trust dh to look after dd for 1 night if you go away? Really this is not the rosy picture you are convincing g yourself it is.

picklemepopcorn · 12/08/2017 08:52

I have been in your friend's position. I try really hard to keep the relationship, to stop her being even more isolated. However, her DH is a ticking time bomb and I'm afraid to be around him. I am on eggshells waiting for him to behave badly, and have to watch while she fails to see his disrespect. I don't stay with them, I would struggle to relax.

HadronCollider · 12/08/2017 08:54

I think some of the posts on this thread have been unnecessary and a bit unkind.

OP I think it might help to be a bit discriminating about how much you reveal to friends about your relationship in future if you're not going to be prepared to leave. It simply gives some people justification to judge you, and others may withold support because they don't want to see you hurt, which is where your friend is.

Also if you're not prepared to leave it's a bit unfair to your partner for everyone else to be thinking they are awful etc and knowing all their bad side with no context of the good if there is any.

Your friends sounds lovely, but doesn't want to see you hurt again. I think her staying away is an attempt to preserve your friendship actually. I do hope your relationship improves. It's really not a good sign if friendships are being risked for a relationship.

HadronCollider · 12/08/2017 08:57

Thread has moved on. He sounds like bad news OP. I think you might end up losing this friendship altogether in future if you stay with this man. Please consider whether staying with him is wise.

BertrandRussell · 12/08/2017 08:58

"I do now but it's tricky because of childcare. My mum tends to have dd rather than dh if I'm away for the night and she does so much for me already."

Why is this?

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 08:59

It sounds like she is trying very hard to maintain your friendship but doesn't want to be in your home, and exposed to your 'lifestyle'. I think that is pretty understandable tbh, normal families don't have the Dad rolling joints at the coffee table and their kids aren't on first name terms with their local drug dealer.

Your husband is abusive and you have colluded in the neglect of your daughter. Anyone who cares a jot about you will be very upset that you have gone back to him and not want to be anywhere near him. Just be grateful she is still willing to be in your life, I walked away from a very close friend in similar circumstances because I couldn't bear to see her keep putting such a nasty loser ahead of her child.

Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 12/08/2017 09:03

He works hard on lots of evenings that's why dm helps out.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 09:06

Is he drug and alcohol free now?

BertrandRussell · 12/08/2017 09:08

"He works hard on lots of evenings that's why dm helps out."

So pick an evening where he isn't working hard and go and see your friend.

NikiBabe · 12/08/2017 09:08

I've had the situation where the friend / relative slags off the DP non stop about how nasty and abusive they are and yet they wont leave or take them back.

They then expect me to stay with them or visit and act like nothing happened.

Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it makes the 3rd party knowing intimate details about your bad relationship and expecting them to act as if nothing happened?

OhOhDearling · 12/08/2017 09:08

Why can't you take your DD with when you go and visit her? Obv it's more fun having child free time, but if you worry you are imposing too much on your mum.....