relationship with my best friend strained since getting back with my dh

[RedStripeLassi]

im not really sure what to do to make it better. Me and my best friend are close and tell each other everything. So when my dh wasn't treating me well I told her about it and she said I've never looked less like myself and was a real shell of my former self and she was worried for me.

Now things are really good with dh and we're back together. Bf (best friend) opened up saying she felt really strongly against him but admitted I looked more happy and like my old self. The problem is I don't think she wants to come stay at ours and she lives hours away so effectively we barely get to see each other. I've pretty much begged her to come and stay at my new place but she keeps making excuses.

We all used to be good friends and she's known dh for years so I'm hoping she'll just forgive because everything's ok now but I feel like it's putting a massive elephant in the room as far as our friendship goes. Does anyone have any experience of this or how to make it better?

Red

What was your own upbringing like?

Do you have contact with the ILs?

No. Both in absolute moderation and only when dd is asleep.

His evenings don't revolve around him getting fucked up now. He will cook, watch Netflix with me. Do gardening and play cards and other normal stuff.

"His evenings don't revolve around him getting fucked up now. He will cook, watch Netflix with me. Do gardening and play cards and other normal stuff"

Really? So not "working hard" then?

My upbringing was nice and stable unlike his. My family has a few (now dry) alcoholics and my dad tends to drink too much without being a proper alcoholic.

His upbringing was pretty awful and his mum isn't really interested in dd and would never have her overnight. His siblings are nice but have their fair share of issues like his.

That's obviously when he's not at work.

Or after work.

I don't know really Red

I think that you do have low expectations really.

How much is absolute moderation? Why doesn't he quit completely? That ought to have been a dealbreaker for you before any chance of reconciliation.

some day perhaps you will wake the fuck up and take steps to make a better life for your DD without this useless prick, and maybe then you can be friends again but quite frankly I couldn't be your friend either. There's only so much you can take when it comes to watching people hurt themselves again and again and never learn.

Your poor, poor DD. You really want her to grow up thinking a cunt like your 'D'H is the lot women can expect in life?

red

re your comment:-
"My upbringing was nice and stable unlike his. My family has a few (now dry) alcoholics and my dad tends to drink too much without being a proper alcoholic"

You have never known any different and what is happening in your life now is very much a result of what happened back then.

That is not nice and stable and those are conditions ideal for you as a child to develop codependency; codependency issues that you still very much have along with wanting to fix, rescue and save. Alcoholics are alcoholics for life; they are still dry drunkards and they could relapse at any time. You saw your own father drink too much and that has also harmed you. Where was your mother, I ask only as she is not mentioned in the above comment.

I am glad to read that you are no longer going to ask your friend to visit you in your home. She is probably one of the very few stable influences in your life and you are fortunate that she still bothers with you. Many others would have walked away from you long before now.

I suspected you'd let him back after not seeing you around for a while.

Oh well. Best of luck.

But leave your friend alone, because I wouldn't stay in your house with that man either.

My mum is an amazing woman who is stable and strong and loving. She also had the strength to boot out my day when he was unfaithful.

Well what a pity you can't be more like your mother.

What does your mother think of the life her grand daughter is living?

Have you told your mother the truth yet about his violence and abuse or are you still protecting him?

Your mother got rid of him in the end. Perhaps you will eventually do the same years down the line, will cheating for you become your eventual deal breaker as well?

However, the emotional damage was still done to you because you saw your dad drink too much on too many occasions. It became your normal and you have normalised and accepted much that is not "normal". You call your upbringing nice and stable; it clearly was not.

Harsh messages here.

Growing up with (an) alcoholic(s) does mess with your brain.

She can see how are lives are now and is very happy for all three of us. She doesn't know everything that went on but she knows he was drinking and smoking too much, that he was being financially controlling and that I was unhappy.

Well you would like your mother to think that the three of you are happy together now. She still does not know the full reality of what has gone on here and I guess you never wanted to listen to her either if she was advising you to leave him.

The underlying problems however, still remain and nothing has really changed. Your H and you are still locked in together into the codependency dance; an ultimately destructive one and one that will impact hugely on your DD in years to come too. Even that may not be enough for you to realise your own part in this dysfunction either.

I would put money on your mother pinning her happy face on when she comes to see you. Then going home and crying.

Have you considered that maybe it's you she thinks badly of for putting your daughter back into this situation?

If you see my username and think 'ffs you' just don't post.

I would urge posters here to be aware that their words will not have much impact. Expend energy if you like, but just know that literally hundreds of posts have been written about this relationship since the end of 2016.

"Well he's not anymore"

Yeah until the next time. Your friend is being supportive of you. You can't expect her to like him after treating you like that

Sweetheart don't you want more? A life with a drug addict / alcoholic is no life at all. And no life for a child to grow up in and around. Believe me, I'm talking from experience.
Set your standards a little lot higher. Your dd will only end up replicating your relationship pattern. You might love him and think it's wonderful now- course it seems it, it's better than before, right? But you're lying to yourself if you think this is real happiness.

Re your friend- I don't blame her. Whatever you've told her has made her incredibly uncomfortable and not want to be around your man. We tell people stuff, that's normal, we all need support. But the fact is, when you tell someone bad stuff about the person you're with or your family, it doesn't get forgotten. It changes opinions. Rightly so. She wants you away from your abuser. She's got every right to not want to be near him

Op - what happened about your counsellor saying that if you went back with him she would have to inform social services? Has that been dealt with? Or are you still at risk of losing your Dd?