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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

relationship with my best friend strained since getting back with my dh

101 replies

RedStripeLassi · 11/08/2017 21:34

im not really sure what to do to make it better. Me and my best friend are close and tell each other everything. So when my dh wasn't treating me well I told her about it and she said I've never looked less like myself and was a real shell of my former self and she was worried for me.

Now things are really good with dh and we're back together. Bf (best friend) opened up saying she felt really strongly against him but admitted I looked more happy and like my old self. The problem is I don't think she wants to come stay at ours and she lives hours away so effectively we barely get to see each other. I've pretty much begged her to come and stay at my new place but she keeps making excuses.

We all used to be good friends and she's known dh for years so I'm hoping she'll just forgive because everything's ok now but I feel like it's putting a massive elephant in the room as far as our friendship goes. Does anyone have any experience of this or how to make it better?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 12/08/2017 14:44

My counsellor ditched me after the first contract ended because she said I didn't trust her (true) and had stopped opening up to her. She said she wouldn't inform SS and I never told her he was moving in with us.

She said that it would all inevitably come out of dds mouth at school anyway.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 12/08/2017 23:06

Oh gosh. I remember you. Why did you get back with him? He's still using and drinking.

The fact that your councillor said it would come out via dd at school doesn't worry you at all?

Your friend is being an amazing best friend who has your best interests in mind.

CremeFresh · 12/08/2017 23:56

Op you really have got to start helping yourself. Why are you not seeing that all your problems have a common denominator which is your partner?

GinIsIn · 13/08/2017 08:58

I'm going to hide this thread now - there's nothing that can be said to you you haven't already heard and ignored. I can only hope that as soon as she is old enough your daughter is stronger than you are and walks away from you both.

LogicalPsycho · 13/08/2017 12:15

I've read it on here before so will repeat it,
"Love isn't something you say, it's something you do".

What is it this man brings to your life, that you just can't do without?
There's plenty of daft women on Jeremy Kyle being beaten and cheated on by their alcoholic pot head boyfriends, and when asked why they stay, the resounding answer is always "Because I love him" Confused

I get that, but why do you love him?
He's had to make a conscious effort to not treat you and his children like shit!
Where is his respect?
If you need to actively work on not neglecting your children and abusing your family, then you really don't deserve one.

It sounds like your best friend cares more about you than 'D'H does, which is why seeing you decide that he is all that you and your DC are worth, is frustrating and painful for her.

I had a friend like you once too, OP.
She was head over heels in love with an arsehole who couldn't wait for the kids to go to bed so he could get stoned, and spoke to her like crap. She left him, and became stronger and more self assured.
Then he weedled his way back in her life via the kids, she became pregnant again and he knew he had her stuck then.
The weed and alcohol use increased, and they were back to square one. As always happens.
Last I heard, they had 4 DCs and she is bone thin and miserable. But she chose that life. Her kids just had to suffer the consequences of it, that their Mum would rather have any man than no man.
Sometimes you have to cut your losses, which I think is what she is probably doing.

Yoshimihere · 13/08/2017 12:56

"We all used to be good friends and she's known dh for years so I'm hoping she'll just forgive because everything's ok now but I feel like it's putting a massive elephant in the room as far as our friendship goes. Does anyone have any experience of this or how to make it better?"

Hi Red

You said your eyes were open earlier this year when you got back with ex. Are they still open?

I had a friend get angry when I thought about reconciliation earlier this year. Here's what "eyes open" looks like....

I thought she doesn't understand the nuances of the relationship, she is overreacting....but.... she sounds really worried about my children. So maybe I'm too close to see what she sees. The next time I wanted to call ex I SAT ON MY HANDS.

Eyes open means thinking! Don't go straight to the part of your brain that's so great at denial. (It's amazing what we can rationalise) don't assume your friend misunderstands. Ask yourself what worries her.

I expect the elephant in the room will be there until things change (remember, giving up drugs, therapy....? Etc)

ColdAsIceCubes · 13/08/2017 13:03

I really hope that your dd does actually tell someone in authority what really happens in her home life. As Fenella says you're too conditioned now, you're minimising the narrative to suit now. Your poor poor dd, no wonder your friend has had enough!

Doowappydoo · 13/08/2017 13:42

I said I wasn't going to post anymore on your threads but I see a pattern in your posts: You ask for advice about something not directly related to your relationship; your partners mental health or your counsellor and then over the course of the thread disclose the extent of the appalling way in which your DP behaves and the effect it has on you and your daughter. Posters are all then unanimous in saying he is abusive, your DD is in a harmful environment. You have left him once, I wonder if this thread is because you are having doubts about whether getting back together was the right thing to do. It wasn't.

If he is still using you shouldn't have even contemplated being back in a relationship with him. You should have put your DD first. You still can.

Your friend probably feels like we all do magnified by a million.

You have incredibly low and skewed expectations of family life and how a good husband and father should behave. I'm very very sorry for your DD who has no choice.

BossyBitch · 13/08/2017 13:55

I, too, have a friend like you, OP. And I love her and care for her lovely DC. Which is why I can't - and wouldn't if I could - forgive her horrible husband.

I try not to let on for her sake. She thinks she loves him and that, eventually, he will change because deep down he loves her just as much.

But, you know, he just doesn't. Or, if he does, he should let her go because he's fucking her and their DC up. And it hurts to see this happen to someone you care deeply about.

So my door is always open to her, and my spare room is ready for when she turns up with the kids in tow - again! - only to go back as soon as he calls. And I hate him. He's a monster!

I think your friend loves you a lot, OP, and I'm willing to bet that, even if you push her away for him, she'll still be there willing to take you in the next time you break up.

Which should tell you everything you need to know about who of the two you should stand by. But, mostly, you should stand by you!

CremeFresh · 13/08/2017 14:19

I would imagine your friend is completely exasperated with you tbh but is a good enough friend to not want to cut all ties because she can see what's going to happen (again) in the future.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2017 16:11

I imagine your counsellor was in a very difficult position, because whilst counselling is confidential, she's presented with an ethical dilemma.

The dilemma is or was the safety of your daughter. Things may well have improved... But what will you do if he reverts?

Will you place your DD first? Because it doesn't sound like that's been the case in the past.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/08/2017 17:16

You are in denial. You are also going round in circles - meeting the same sad realisation about this man. Yet you have decided to go round that circle again?!? Why?! For love?

Gawd are you so dim that you can't see why your friend wants to be nowhere near your partner?

I'm surprised he allowed you away! Saying that he was probably delighted as it meant he could get stoned without your knowledge!!!

You think he has changed?! Seriously have you ever tried to change your personality to eradicate the bad parts?? It's virtually impossible without the intervention of drugs or therapy.

So he's not going to be able to do it.

I wish you wouldn't feel sorry for him. You can't fix his dysfunctional upbringing. You can pity him but that's no basis for a relationship.

Also you are in no position to critique anyone's upbringing given the environment you are exposing your child to.

No you won't think about that now - instead you will see the impact much later when she is dating an addict/abuser all of her own.

The abusive cycle repeats itself through the generations.

Loopytiles · 13/08/2017 17:20

Your H is an addict and a drug abuser and you have prioritised your relationship with him to the detriment of your own physical and mental health and your DD. You could consequently be at risk of social services involvement to protect DD from both of you.

Your friend is understandably worried and doesn't wish to spend time with your H or witness your choices.

Gorgosparta · 13/08/2017 18:33

If you want to keep your friend. Stop asking her to come stay.

By staying she probably feels she is accepting that you live with an abuser and drug addict and that you are allowing your dd to grow up in a shit storm.

She probably doesnt want to cut contact because she is worried about you. But she is being clear she does not support your decision.

MrsDustyBusty · 13/08/2017 18:44

Jesus, woman I can't believe you're letting this worse than useless waste of space around your child again.

Orangetoffee · 13/08/2017 19:09

Would you even trust him to look after DD by himself knowing that he starts smoking and drinking once she is in bed and you wouldn't be there to moderate him?

I think your friend is wise.

Original poster
RedStripeLassi · 13/08/2017 19:21

I love my best friend and cherish our friendship. I don't want to push her away and I won't. It really pains me that this may get in the way of our friendship even though they used to be good friends.

yoshimi thank you for your post. It is as alway calm and measured.

quitelikely you said you were surprised he actually let me go. Well so was I. It was a real test of how he's changed and actually where as in the bad old days he would have gone out of his way to make sure I didn't even think about going he actually said 'that's great babe, you could do with a break, enjoy yourself'.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 13/08/2017 19:33

And how long will that last?

OliviaBenson · 13/08/2017 19:52

That indicates that he's changed tactics, not that he's changed.

Why are you with this man? You are at a very real risk of losing your daughter, your family and your friendships for him.

Loopytiles · 13/08/2017 20:35

Because he'll be smoking while you're gone.

stitchglitched · 13/08/2017 21:06

It is completely unreasonable to expect a woman to want to stay overnight in the home of a man who can be violent. Your friend sounds like she has good boundaries. And I expect your husband was happy for you to go away with her because he could take drugs and get drunk in peace.

AvocadoQueen · 13/08/2017 22:43

I have a friend whose husband emotionally abuses her. It's gradually built up over the years and I can't tell you how many conversations we have had about his behaviour and her frustrations and pain. It's really quite hard to be 100% honest with a friend who you know wants to stay with her husband and be as blunt as you would like to be. She's in denial and I can't get her out of it - I've tried and she becomes very defensive of her situation. She points out she has children to think of and she can't just leave and other than give my opinion and offer support I don't know what else to do.

I can't stand her husband any more though. I detest him. I no longer want to go to their house and see his ratty face pretending all is well and he is a model father when I know how he treats my friend. Urgh.

pigeondujour · 14/08/2017 08:26

I love my best friend and cherish our friendship. I don't want to push her away and I won't.

She may well want to push you away.

Angelf1sh · 14/08/2017 08:35

She's never going to validate your decision to get back with him. she can see what you refuse to.

ShatnersWig · 14/08/2017 08:39

Round and round we go, OP. Many of us are familiar with your situation due to your previous threads.

Wake up. Your friend can see precisely what we can all see but which you refuse to. No, you know damn well, but for whatever reason, you choose not to see it.

Your man is a dick and will not change. You've got a child for fuck's sake. Your friend cares for you far more than he does. Your daughter deserves better than what you are bringing her up in.