DH confessed to lying - what do I do now?

[Tooupsettothinkofagoodusername]

How would you feel if your DH admitted that he'd barefaced lied to you over a number of weeks? Both via text and to your face?

Not just short texts, but elaborate texts saying he doesn't understand why I am suspicious (despite lying behaviour in the past) basically turning it round on me, making me doubt myself even though I had a gut feeling something was up.

He has now admitted via text (he is away on business as he often is) he has been lying to me for weeks. He even swore on DDs (2.5 years old) life to my face that he wasn't lying.

He has lied to me in the past. It's always over really stupid and unnecessary stuff. We had a big talk in the new year and I emphasized that I had had enough.

He has never gone to this level of deception before. that I know of I suppose

Before you ask it's NOTHING to do with another woman. Although obviously I only have his word to go on. I have actually booked myself in for a SDI test tomorrow just in case although I 99.999% believe him.

Where do I go from here?? Can a relationship survive lying and deceit?

He hasn't done anything so bad to give up on our marriage and family I think. But I don't know how to move forward.

He is very apologetic and is adamant he is going to see a therapist

Please be kind. MN can be so harsh at times and I am a real person behind this screen. I will just leave the thread if people start slinging insults around

Obviously I meant STI test

Depends on the lie I suppose. But also, if you can't trust him, what's the point?

Can you really continue with this?

It's not like you are ever going to feel a sense of peace or rest with him ever again. Are you?

The problem is that you gave him a warning. He took no notice. What can you do now?

It does depend on the lie, though.

He even dragged your dc into his web to make you feel even shitter.

It's a ltb from me. .

The fact that he swore on your child's life is disturbing.

Depend what the lie was.

My ex was lying about a porn habit. It was a slow burn but broke us in the end.

The lie was basically that he had booked into have some health treatment that he needed. He didn't want to go so never actually booked it. But he went to the trouble of pretending he had and even drove to and booked into a hotel to pretend he was at the hospital.

I know it sounds like another woman. But I 99.999% don't think it is... he's just a bit screwed up from his childhood I think

'The point' is that we are a family. He is DDs daddy who she loves and adores. I'm not just going to shrug my shoulders and walk away from an 18 year relationship

Why did he lie? Is he scared of what the docs might tell him, did he not have time to go through with it? Or was he hair trying to appease you?
It's hard to trust again after somebody has lied but I agree it's drastic to end a relationship over it, especially when kids are involved.
He needs to know you will walk one day though

Well, if you want dd to learn that it's ok for a man to lie to her on her children's life, by all means continue

No it's nothing serious health wise - just a sleep clinic for possible sleep apnoea

He needs to address his issues.

You cannot do this for him.
You need to decide whether you can accept that he may do this again.

Why didn't he get the treatment done? Did you need to visit him at the hospital?!

x-post

Obstructive Sleep Apnoea can be extremely serious.
Don't minimise - or has he been doing the minimising?

Do you know what he is worried about? What's going to happen at the sleep clinic? Or the outcome of the tests?

I can only suggest he has therapy to get to the bottom of his issues.

He needs to know you don't feel able to trust him or take his word as it has little value.

I am a firm believer of consequences... But he may truly be troubled and need professional help.

Was he scared of the treatment he was to have?

He must have a deep rooted reason to lie to the extent of swearing on your DDs life.

Why did he confess?

I also have to say if he doesn't face any consequences ... What's to stop it happening again.

But OP your husbands incredible deceit shows a fundamental lack of respect towards your relationship and to you as a person - nevermind as his life partner and the mother of his daughter - how can you possibly ever trust him again?

He swore on your childs' life - how do you feel when you look at her now?
That innocent trusting life in HIS hands?
How do you feel about a man who would DO that?

You've drawn a line and he's danced all over it.
You're choosing a lifetime with a man who cannot EVER be trusted.
It sounds like you've already decided to give him yet another chance.
Still, your decision, your responsibility.
Let's hope you haven't got any STD's then.

I'm not minimizing the potential seriousness of sleep apnea. He's been assessed by the Dr who thinks it's due to a previous broken nose. But wanted to do the sleep study to rule apnoea out.

I just meant it's not like a CT scan for possible cancer or something he might be scared of.

Can we leave the issue please as I don't want the thread to go off on a tangent

hatsoncats see its things like that? Why be so sarcastic.

I'm just looking for support

Well, you are asking what you are to do now:
what do you want to do?
Carry on like this, or not.
You cannot 'fix' him. Only he can do that.
You need to decide whether you are happy to accept that he may lie to you again and that your child is being modelled lying by their parent.

What support are you looking for?
Genuine question.

Wait he lied on your child's life about fucking sleep apnoea?

OP... Come now. You can't stay with this guy. If he lies to your face on your dds life about something THIS minor, how can you trust him with anything? Genuine question??

Just kindness and helpful advice. Not sarcastic quips

I live overseas and have no close friends to talk to. We are LC with our families due to emotional abuse and general dysfunction so I have no one else to talk to

Do you think he believes that his sleep apnoea problem isn't really a problem, because it mainly affects you and your dd and not him ie snoring and moods?

I'd be concerned about that (if it's happening) as much as the lying and childish deceits.

Ask him what kind of role-model he'd like to be for his child? Even at her age she has to be brave and have uncomfortable medical interventions (like jabs), does he think he could maybe manage to rise to the courage level of his toddler? Sheeeesh!

He isn't that dedicated to his dd if he is risking his health. . . And he isn't that committed to you if he can lie lie lie and expect you to forgive forgive forgive. .
Wipe the welcome sign off your forehead and toughen up op. .