DH confessed to lying - what do I do now?

[Tooupsettothinkofagoodusername]

How would you feel if your DH admitted that he'd barefaced lied to you over a number of weeks? Both via text and to your face?

Not just short texts, but elaborate texts saying he doesn't understand why I am suspicious (despite lying behaviour in the past) basically turning it round on me, making me doubt myself even though I had a gut feeling something was up.

He has now admitted via text (he is away on business as he often is) he has been lying to me for weeks. He even swore on DDs (2.5 years old) life to my face that he wasn't lying.

He has lied to me in the past. It's always over really stupid and unnecessary stuff. We had a big talk in the new year and I emphasized that I had had enough.

He has never gone to this level of deception before. that I know of I suppose

Before you ask it's NOTHING to do with another woman. Although obviously I only have his word to go on. I have actually booked myself in for a SDI test tomorrow just in case although I 99.999% believe him.

Where do I go from here?? Can a relationship survive lying and deceit?

He hasn't done anything so bad to give up on our marriage and family I think. But I don't know how to move forward.

He is very apologetic and is adamant he is going to see a therapist

Please be kind. MN can be so harsh at times and I am a real person behind this screen. I will just leave the thread if people start slinging insults around

Good morning (it is here anyway!)

He admitted it as part of being truthful yes. He says he thought he had made that clear when he told me he was lying. But I dont think he did. I certainly wasn't under the impression that the entire thing was a lie from start to finish.

He says he will book the therapist and respiratory appointments this morning.

At the moment.... no I could never trust 100% that he had definitely attended. I think he will, since he genuinely seems to understand how badly he has fucked up now.

I told him he needs to move out for a while to give me space to think.

I think therapy for yourself would be very beneficial to you

And to him, of course.
This goes waaaay beyond a bit of learned self-neglect.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

notarehersal yes I agree it's about control.

He has said this himself in the last few days.

We agreed to put the past behind us when we had our big talks in the new year and things we're going great or so I thought anyway

Recently he's been stressed out at work and his effort with me has been slipping. He says he could sense I was unhappy with him and it made him panic he would loose me. He couldn't bare to tell me that he had put work before his health again so lied and kept lying. But he sees how manipulative and controlling that is now

I don't know what to think.

I do believe him when he says he can see it now. I just don't know if it's enough to make him "change"

He says he wants therapy whatever happens (i.e. If I leave him) because he wants to be a good father to DD

I've ordered a book about lovers who lie by Susan forward should be here tomorrow. Sounds like a promising book to read as her toxic parents book was very helpful for me

I wish I could feel angry with him. At the moment I just feel so hurt and sad.

We've been through so much together. We've been together since late teens and have basically grown up together.

I knew we had our problems (who wouldn't with our childhoods?!) but I never thought he would deceive me like this.

Like someone upthread said, it just shows such a fundamental lack of respect for me and our relationship

I just can't get my head around it

Sorry to say it op but as a seasoned liar he will just carry on but hide it better. You gave him an ultimatum at the beginning of the year and he has shown you exactly what he thinks of that. And I have heard on here so many times when another lie is discovered they just lump it in with the previous lie, sort of like a buy one get one free attitude and expect you to get over it. Unbelievably disrespectful, he must think you are dumb to accept this crap

I think you both sound like good people who had difficult childhoods and are struggling in building a healthy, adult relationship. Have you maybe slipped into the "mother" role with him, while he is the naughty child? An adult should be taking care of his own health and shouldn´t need to swear to do things on anyone´s life...

I think it is a good idea for him to move out, but I don´t know if you should end your relationship or not. What I do think is that you would both benefit from counseling, both together and individually.

He says he loves and adores me and is so ashamed of himself and the pain he has caused.

I think he truely believes himself

I don't know if that makes it true though.

It's sort of like the way narcs tell themselves their own version the truth or something

That reply was to ruddy question ^^

The swear on DDs life was me feeling like something was up. Asking him outright whether he had actually gone to the sleep clinic. He says he did. I said "swear on DDs life you went" he said "I swear on DDs life I went to the sleep clinic"

I know what you are saying and I do see elements of being the mother and him the child but not to the extent that I 'nag' him to do these things. I recognise that ultimately he is an adult an asult that needs to take responsibility for himself. I stepped back from that many years ago.

Did he say he loves, adores you, is ashamed of the pain he caused you etc at the beginning of the year during the big chat?

I am sorry op but talk is cheap, one thing I have learnt from mumsnet is actions speak louder than words.

ruddy yes somewhat he did

He has now admitted he was still arrogant and disrespectful to me am for our relationship and is ashamed of himself

*to me and towards our relationship

I personally don't believe you will ever get to the bottom of all his lies.
He swore to tell the truth upon a childs' life & then lied.
He is coming up with every excuse in the book to deflect your questions.
He is a one-man pity party & you've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

I am sorry that I sounded sarcastic in my earlier comment
Let's hope you haven't got any STD's then in reply to your
I have actually booked myself in for a SDI test tomorrow just in case.
I genuinely hope you haven't.

But given how many lies he HAS told, I won't be at all surprised if you have.

Well I just came out of the sexual health clinic. Results in 7-10 days. That was humiliating

I think he truely believes himself

Yes, he very well might.
It is emotionally easier for him to tell you Big Fat Repeated Lies than to face following up a health concern.

The question is whether accepting that this is what he is like is good enough for you.
Adults don't typically need other adults to look after their own health.

My world is falling apart

Can't type now have to be once DD in bed in 2 hours.... I really need someone to talk to though. I have no one IRL

I feel so alone

(It's 5.47pm with me... in case ^^ doesn't make sense)

He is really scared. I do that when I'm scared.

I should be around Too, happy to listen and hold your hand if it helps

jesus Fucking Christ I am angry

Today I found out that DH lied about having attended a VERY Fucking important screening for possible inherited hypertrophic cardiomyopathy!!!!!

His DF was diagnosed just after we arrived in the states. The rest of the family (his DBros and their children) went for screening as advised by the cardiologist and genetic counselors.

DH arranged his screening over here and got the all clear for now which meant DD was effectively in the clear for now

Only he never went. He convinced himself he had and still can't actually believe he didn't despite the fact there is absolutely no physical evidence (GP appointment/referral, cardiology appointment or insurance bills).

He says he is loosing his mind.

I have kicked him out.

What do I do?? I live abroad with no family, no close friends, no career (I'm a SAHM and gave up my professional Registration), my visa is a spousal visa

We still own a house in the uk

My life has fallen apart

Oh op I'm so sorry. This is awful. I don't know what to say as I know almost nothing about US visas etc.

Are there tenants in the house in UK?

Do your parents have space for you and DC?

Can you regain your reg if you return to UK? If so what timeline?

In the shorter term... Can you get him to leave? You need time and space. Any chance that a trusted family member or friend might be able to visit soon (immediately) to offer support x

I'm so sorry this has happened. I can't imagine how angry you are. Awful x

Sorry I see you have kicked him out. Will he stay out?

Yes I took his key back.

He has never been violent in any way. I'm not concerned about that, as much as anyone can be I suppose. I feel like I don't know him anymore.

There's no one I can call to come over from the uk. Only my parents and I don't want them here. They will make it 100000% worse

No tenants in the uk house. DD and I could fly home tomorrow essentially

But she would be distraught at being away from DH. I couldn't do that to her, not right now. Not as a knee jerk. I need a composed plan in place