DH confessed to lying - what do I do now?

[Tooupsettothinkofagoodusername]

How would you feel if your DH admitted that he'd barefaced lied to you over a number of weeks? Both via text and to your face?

Not just short texts, but elaborate texts saying he doesn't understand why I am suspicious (despite lying behaviour in the past) basically turning it round on me, making me doubt myself even though I had a gut feeling something was up.

He has now admitted via text (he is away on business as he often is) he has been lying to me for weeks. He even swore on DDs (2.5 years old) life to my face that he wasn't lying.

He has lied to me in the past. It's always over really stupid and unnecessary stuff. We had a big talk in the new year and I emphasized that I had had enough.

He has never gone to this level of deception before. that I know of I suppose

Before you ask it's NOTHING to do with another woman. Although obviously I only have his word to go on. I have actually booked myself in for a SDI test tomorrow just in case although I 99.999% believe him.

Where do I go from here?? Can a relationship survive lying and deceit?

He hasn't done anything so bad to give up on our marriage and family I think. But I don't know how to move forward.

He is very apologetic and is adamant he is going to see a therapist

Please be kind. MN can be so harsh at times and I am a real person behind this screen. I will just leave the thread if people start slinging insults around

Registration would take a few years to get back. I don't want it back though - the NHS is in a mess. I'm not going back to that. I would have to find something else.

Technically I shouldn't need to work with all our savings and assets anyway and DH has written down in an email how he would support us financially - to use as evidence I guess. He says he would never hold finances over me like his word means anything anymore

Completely agree that knee jerk is probably not the best idea.

I think you're going to need legal advice tbh. The fact that you packed in your career means that he will have an obligation to support you at least in part for a few years. But it's unlikely he will do that unless you have your ducks lined up really well. Sorry. Like you say. Can you really trust a word he says again.

This is such a sad outcome for you op. Wish I could help. Do you have any friends locally that might agree to be a sounding board?

Only read the first page. It sounds like he IS scared actually and sleep apneoa is fairly serious so if he has any level of anxiety I can (as an anxiety sufferer) see why his head is in the sand. I reckon I'd struggle to attend also.

As a concerned partner are you "nagging " him to go? I would totally nag my dp also but this may make him feel backed into a corner and might be the reason for the lies?

Frustratingly this is his call and only he can decide to deal with it.

I am firmly in the LTB camp when it comes to lies but this strikes me as not so simple.

How come he has come clean now?

I truly how that you haven't kicked him out based on this thread?? Yes he lied but this isn't just about you is it. Hcm is life threatening and he is clearly scared and looks like he is struggling with anxiety.

Unless I have missed something I am struggling to see why you want to split. Of course he shouldn't have lied but I can understand why he did.

I truly how that you haven't kicked him out based on this thread??

I don't understand this sentence sorry.... I think you're saying you don't understand why I've told him to leave?

There are other reasons that I'm too tired to go into. Mainly I am just hurt by the deceit and need time and space alone to think. I do not want to split - the things I wrote were just to answer questions.

I don't have a clear plan to move forward yet.

I sent him a text asking him if he was scared of going, scared of the results.

He said he wasn't scared.

He thinks it's more likely all the childhood stuff

He would say that wouldn't he? He doesn't want to appear weak. But I acknowledge that there are clearly more issues at play here. I do hope you manage to sort things out for the best. One way or another.

I Do worry when people post on here being goaded into LTB of course sometimes that is correct but often so difficult as only one side of the story presented.

I know someone whose default position is a lie. You can't trust a word out of their mouth, but other than that they're ok.
Can you accept that he's a liar and live with that?

Ido it's hard to explain but he's not like that... it's not like he's the sort of person who talks BS constantly.

I've done a lot of thinking and feel his problems stem from his abusive neglectful DM. I think he developed lying as a necessary defense tactic to avoid incurring her rage. She has a very vicious tongue.

He has reminded me about a very upsetting incident that happened at the GPs when his DM was there too. He was 12-13ish and it was of a semi-sexual nature. I think it is probably the root cause of this along with his parents general neglect of his health and emotional needs.

He is ademant he is seeking therapy and has made some phone calls and is waiting for a call back at present. He hopes to have an appointment within a week as that is what the receptionist told him.

He says I can go with him if I want proof that he is going

I still need to do a lot of thinking to come up with my 'terms and conditions' for continuing in the relationship. But he knows this is his last chance

I need to know I have done everything I could do keep our family together. So I can look DD in the eye and tell her this.

Maybe I'm a fool but I'm going to get therapy for myself too. To make sure I don't teach DD how to be a doormat

Aw, I am sorry to have read your updates

I think having him out of the house to gather your thoughts, recover from the surprise and regroup is a good idea.

How quickly can you sort out counselling for yourself?
A good counsellor will help you to clarify your own thoughts and feelings and your position.
Can you seek legal/financial advice also?

I am about to go for a screening echocardiogram for a possible inherited cardiac condition (not cardiomyopathy) and while I am well (and my 84 year old father just survived the necessary corrective surgery well) and I am not scared about going for the test, I am well aware of my responsibility to have this done as a positive result would have relevance for our DCs.

LTB is so easy to type and say, but it is too simplistic.
I'd set a deadline: 6 months or a year or whatever you feel is right and then reconsider your options.

Maybe a holiday in the UK with your DD would give you some breathing space? And him - to actually do the things he says he will do.
'Sorry' without subsequent actions to show that one is regretful is just a word, an empty and pretty meaningless word.

Thanks pacific I appreciate your input into this thread.

I hope all your screening tests come back clear

For me, the most important part in a relationship is trust. Also respect-they go together. Love fades in time, but I need to know that I can trust completely and be respected.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You know your marriage better than any of us. You have to gauge whether the situation is worth salvaging / able to be salvaged. Leaving should be the very last option.

It's 11 years since I found texts to another woman on DH's phone. Unfortunately the situation has reared it's ugly head again but I don't regret the last 11 years. I'm glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Life has been good. My point is, do you think you could work through the issues? Do you think he's had a wake up call and that he'd genuinely commit to working through his issues with a therapist? Also does he 'hear' you when you express your feelings i.e. does he show he cares/make himself avaiable to talk things through?

It is hard to live with a lack of trust. For me it's been okay but unfortunately DH has returned to previous form and I'm seriously considering calling time on things. I don't think it's weak to stay and give things a go. The critical thing though is if you feel it's eroding your self-esteem/trust/confidence or that you're creating a toxic atmosphere for your DD.

Time's a great healer... can you engineer some breathing space for yourself to think things through?

So sorry to read your updates OP.

Is it possible to get DD screened without her dad having had his - i.e. so you know she's ok and are not worrying about whether your husband has lied about having the treatment? How invasive is the procedure?

Goodness Tooup what complex situation. I am not sure that this is the best place to be taking advice from. You are only able to give us a quick snap shot of what you perceive the problem to be. We are used on here to giving advice about the standard cheating partner and the general collective advice is usually LTB.
I think your case is probably quite different from most we read about on here.
It seems to me that Your dh has quite deep seated emotional problems. He needs your love and support to get through it, if you feel able to give it. If I were you I would ask him to come home and really, in a very gentle way try to talk to him. At some stage you both need professional help, but I do not imagine that he will immediately agree to this.
If you love him and value your life together it is worth putting some effort into this. He's damaged and it won't be easy. It took a long time for the damage to be done, there won't be a quick fix repairing it.
i hope you resolve your issues and find peace and happiness for your family.

Just hopped back to see how you were getting on.......and sadly it seems that it's worse. Ok. For what it's worth this is what I would do. I don't think you are ready to give up on this relationship yet- and good on you. Like I said previously, people walk away from relationships too easily. You will have the satisfaction in 15/20 years time of telling DD that you did all you could to try and save your relationship if you end up divorced.
So, I would ask husband to stayin a hotel/ motel/ Airbnb close by until you decide what you are doing. Therapy seems to be really important now- for you, him AND together as a couple. See if you can get a reduced ' family package ' rate! Put some time limits on how long you are going to give DH and yourself to sort out your future. Set them with realistic goals in mind, ( bearing in mind everything always takes longer than you initially think. ) He needs to get his health issues sorted too so you need to make him appointments and attend with him. Make this a condition. Impress on him the importance of him telling you the truth from this moment on as this is the only way you wil ever be able to rebuild your relationship ( as an aside, does DH have a career that he lies in ie lawyer, sales? If so he could be in an awful cycle of lyingcontinuously and not even realise he is doing it most of the time). Now, the next thing I would be doing is making sure that I was secure financially. I have always had a ' running away fund'since I got married ( mainly financed by hubby, oddly enough!!) and you need to ensure your runningawayfund is healthy. Tell him because of all of the lies upon lies youDont trust him to do the right thing financially if things don't work out. I would have him signing over any savings, investments, bonds etc PLUS the UK house if it's unmortgaged. If you stay together it makes no odds in the long run. If youseperate you know that you and DD will be ok for a few years while you get yourself sorted out. I know it might sound mercenary but we can't live without money and if you know you are financially sound it's one less thing to worry about. I would be moving money left right and center but that's just me! You need to make some friends where you are, you need a bit of a release valve. Are there any groups/ clubs in your area which do anything that interest you? Mums groups or things without kids?? It will help to have something outside this big drama that you can do to escape from it. A walking group/ stitch and bitch/ cooking/ anything really. But if you want to, you can always pm me. I do hope that you came through this together. So, tomorrow, do your hair, slap some lippy on, shoulders back, tits out and go somewhere for coffee that's kid friendly. Just get out for a couple of hours to try and feel yourself. You CAN do this. And don't be afraid to fight for him. He is your husband and your daughters daddy, and I think that although he has a lot of deep rooted problems he really loves you. i wish you so much good luck x

He seems to be a compulsive liar about very important things. To actually believe his own lies is quite frightening and I hope that therapy helps. I would definitely go with him to the first few appointments, even just to sit in reception whilst he has his appointment. He has proven that he can't be trusted to do as he says he will in matters to do with his health.

I hope therapy helps you too, and that you can find a way to move on from this and trust him again

I think the fact that he has agreed to therapy, and booked it (if indeed he has) is a very important step and demonstration on commitment and recognition that this is a BIG deal for You, and for your relationship . If he commits to therapy, and it will not be short term, o think you can make this work. I completely agree that you too should seek some therapy for yourself, at least partly to work out where your own boundaries are.
After that, I am sure you would benefit form some couples therapy.

You seem to have both come from dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy birth families, recognising that, and the impact it has had on you individually and as a couple (and lastly as parents) will help in sorting this out.

This is not an ultimate betrayal - although if it continues it might become so, you sound like you love one another a lot. Invest in the therapy, try to be kind to each other ( when this latest has calmed down) and if you both commit - I think you will do ok.