DH confessed to lying - what do I do now?

[Tooupsettothinkofagoodusername]

How would you feel if your DH admitted that he'd barefaced lied to you over a number of weeks? Both via text and to your face?

Not just short texts, but elaborate texts saying he doesn't understand why I am suspicious (despite lying behaviour in the past) basically turning it round on me, making me doubt myself even though I had a gut feeling something was up.

He has now admitted via text (he is away on business as he often is) he has been lying to me for weeks. He even swore on DDs (2.5 years old) life to my face that he wasn't lying.

He has lied to me in the past. It's always over really stupid and unnecessary stuff. We had a big talk in the new year and I emphasized that I had had enough.

He has never gone to this level of deception before. that I know of I suppose

Before you ask it's NOTHING to do with another woman. Although obviously I only have his word to go on. I have actually booked myself in for a SDI test tomorrow just in case although I 99.999% believe him.

Where do I go from here?? Can a relationship survive lying and deceit?

He hasn't done anything so bad to give up on our marriage and family I think. But I don't know how to move forward.

He is very apologetic and is adamant he is going to see a therapist

Please be kind. MN can be so harsh at times and I am a real person behind this screen. I will just leave the thread if people start slinging insults around

Why do you think he informed you of his lying?
Is he looking for you to 'make him' go for his test??

I'd set an ultimatum.
He either goes and finds help to address his issues and learns to behave like a responsible adult or you will consider your options.
And I'd go and seek counselling for myself to figure out how I feel about the whole sorry mess.

I have so little patience for man-children tbh - HE needs to take responsibility for his health and his actions.

I'm guilty of similar rate of lies (mostly over my eating habits, and overdrafts...) I never meant any malice, but the anxiety of facing the issue, or the consequences of revealing the truth meant I kept doing it. For me it also comes from childhood as well.
However, it really damaged the trust in my marriage, along with my inability to cope with stress etc and contributed to the situation I'm in now (separating)

Seriously I'd drag him to the therapist and kick his ass over the appointment, ring up and book him in yourself.

Dare I ask is he bit of a man-child?

Okay. Sorry but your relationship has serious problems.
He is acting as though he is a "naughty little boy" and you are the "bossy parent".
The first thing you need to do is refuse to take this role.
You are not his mother but an Adult, he needs to relate to you as a fellow adult. So refuse to tell him m off, but treat him as an adult.
So if he won't take responsibility for him s health maybe take out extra insurance on it. Don't nag him but neither let him get out of the consequences. He lied so you can no longer trust him. He doesn't value your daughter so you can't trust him m their either. And so on.

My ex also father of my child swore on our child's life he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. He was . Their baby was born last month. Sorry op .

I'm really sorry that your DH has behaved like this. The part that stood out for me was elaborate texts saying he doesn't understand why I am suspicious (despite lying behaviour in the past) basically turning it round on me, making me doubt myself even though I had a gut feeling something was up.

That is really awful in my opinion. He was prepared to make you doubt yourself and presumably feel horribly guilty and that you were wrong even though you were repeatedly asking him to tell you the truth. That's a kind of sustained lying that speaks of some deep down deceitfulness in his nature. How will you EVER know if he is lying to you again?

I couldn't be with someone I could never trust. And I couldn't be with someone I didn't respect. For me this would have ticked both those boxes. You had emphasised in the New Year you'd had enough of his lies - but clearly he either didn't care or didn't believe you would take any action because he has continued.

It's easy to be apologetic now he's been caught. What do you think will change? And how will you ever know?

I think you need to think about if you'll be able to trust him again. He lied to you a lot and on your child's life which is pretty shitty.

If you can't trust him then you don't really have a relationship.

If you can then please be careful. You could get hurt by him so think very hard about what you need and want from your relationship and if he can give you it.

I understand what you are saying, but I do think that there is a difference.

Elaborate deception to cover up an affair is unforgivable, IMO.

Elaborate deception to avoid having medical treatment is bizarre. I don't understand why anyone would do that.

Is he afraid of doctors/hospitals?

Is it an act of defiance (you want him to do it so he won't do it to spite you)?

Or is this just his default - anything slightly uncomfortable for him, he slips easily into lying, to avoid confrontation and doing anything he doesn't want to do?

The last of these sounds plausible from your other information. In this case seeing a therapist is a good move, though, frankly, how could you ever trust that he's actually going and not just making it all up?

Relationship counselling might be a good idea. At least then you'll know whether he actually attended or not.

When you emphasised that you had had enough, what did that mean if you aren't prepared to leave him? Shoulder shrugging and walking away are rarely the way that anyone leaves a relationship. Everyone agonises and gives their partners one more chance, then another and another until one day they too have had enough.

Do you think he could be scared silly about it all, and so has lied to you rather than go ahead with it.
Scared to go as he dislikes doctors.
Scared what they will find.
Scared of the Machines, and people watching him all night.

Ok, first, take a deep breath and just ignore the people who are being sarcastic.
Second, well done for asking for some advice and support. That takes guts. I don't dare do it!
Next, it seems like you do not want to leave him. Like you say it's an 18 year investment and he is your child's daddy and she loves him. Totally understand where you are coming from and all of these women who say ' l would leave him' , well I don't believe most of them. May be they don't take their marriage vows seriously but you obviously do, and well done for not bailing just because you have hit a problem. ALL relationships have ups and downs. This is simply a down.
So, get your self a pen and paper and write down what you think needs to happen to get your relationship back on track. You have mentioned things from his childhood plus other contributing factors. He needs therapy, and he needs to get it FAST otherwise you then need to re assess. Write down what makes you unhappy - and then go through the list with him point by point and try to work out, the two of you together, what you can do to tackle and improve things. It's not going to happen overnight, it's not going to be a quick fix and it's going to take some time and a lot of work in his part before you can trust him but if you still love him then surely it's worth fighting for? You have given this man 18 years, so a 6-12 month investment is surely worth while doing rather than just jumping on the first bus/ plane and saying ' I'm off'. If you do this and it STILL does not work, at least in 15 years time you can say to your daughter that you tried everything you possibly could, you didn't just walk away because your marriage hit a big bump. Be strong. And don't be afraid to get some therapy yourself- if you haven't many friends where you are then it's worthwhile doing so you can see things clearly rather than just through a fug of tears and merlot!! Good luck. I do hope you sort things out.

OP, you've made two contradictory statements:-

We had a big talk in the new year and I emphasized that I had had enough.

He hasn't done anything so bad to give up on our marriage and family I think. But I don't know how to move forward.

If you want things to change, that is going to mean that you both do things differently. No lies from him (and from what you've said I doubt he is capable of this, he seems to have gone to far more trouble than just doing the tests would have been for him!) and no 'next time you do this' from you - you've done that, it hasn't worked.

Sorry for the lack of detailed replies, I'm 5 hours behind the uk and trying to deal with toddler and tea time. Will have more time to write this evening.

In a nutshell I think the root of his problems is being raised by an emotionally abusive, physically neglectful narcissist DM. His DF was classic enabler and well as emotionally abusive from a controlling/guilt tripping POV and was physically absent most of the time (worked 7 days/evenings a week)

His DM has no concept of appropriate boundaries so any perceived intrusion and he goes on the defensive. He also never learnt any selfcare skills from his parents. So neglects his health for example. His DF was a workaholic and he is the same. He tries hard to stike a balance between his very busy and stressful 6 figure salary job (that's not a stealth boast just trying to give you context) and meeting his responsibilities as a husband and father.

Like Dadoctave above, he genuinely does not mean to be malicious

Where do you live abroad (if you feel able to tell us)? I live in Norway and there is family counselling available free here. Worth looking into whether there is something similar where you are. That way, you would be able to go with him, at least in the early stages.

It strikes me that he doesn't believe you will leave him, whatever he does. Awful as it is, he needs to believe you are serious that if he doesn't find a way to stop, then that will be the end.

Would some kind of separatiion be possible? Even if it's just temporary to demonstrate what he risks losing if he doesn't take you seriously from now on.

It's very difficult living away from your homeland with an unreliable partner. Might be worth having a look at how things function with regard to the children if you did part ways. For example, for a while I wasn't working, so my residency depended on me being married to someone who did have a job. So leaving wasn't possible without risking deportation.

I'm not suggesting you leave right now, if you don't feel able (though I suspect you might find it impossible to trust him, which in the long term will break your relationship) but it is good to know your rights and responsibilties if you find he has done something you can't live with.

He needs help, RL help, likely some form of therapy.

Do not take that role on yourself and don't accept the 'responsible parent' role either.
He needs to want to change.

yorkshireyummymummy THANKYOU so much

That is generally my perspective on the whole thing - but obviously I'm still in shock and can't think clearly at the moment, hence posting on here

We live in the states

Hello lovely.
Firstly, well done for sticking your head above the parapet.
Secondly: some people are a bit weird over health stuff. My DH is currently due to have a sleep study for apnea - it has taken me 4 YEARS to convince him to attend. He refused to admit there was a reason for him to go until I gave him an ultimatum. Is he scared it could be something more? Does he feel it could be a weight issue (often, apnea is prevalent in patients with weight problems). Whatever way it is, I'd try and get to the bottom of WHY he lied. Only then can you come up with a course of action you can deal with.

Also, lots of this. hope you get some resolution!

I had to deal with some similar issues and we have mostly made our way through it. I took the lies very personally but I realised they weren't told to make me look stupid or to get one over on me but in a panic and to try and hide the fact he wasnt coping with a work situation. He found it easier to lie than to admit feeling and appearing inadequate. They were such obvious lies on occasions but he stuck to them even when the truth was becoming clear. I really struggled to understand it because I like to stick to the truth - makes life much less complicated. It's been a long road but we're getting there. I would also recommend therapy for him to understand how damaging this is as a coping strategy and to work on others that are more supportive. He copies me in on emails for household admin so I know he has done the things he says he has done (this had caused problems in the past) but otherwise I don't look at his phone or emails etc. I have had to learn to trust again and it's not 100% and doubt it ever will be. But life is not perfect and I suppose I must have a few faults myself!

You cant detail all the wrongs of his upbringing to explain his behaviour and conclude he doesn't mean to be malicious.

Er, yes.. He does. It's what was modeled to him and what he learned was the norm.

He is manipulating you. It's what he was taught. What you describe isn't something internet strangers can help you with - it's what people study for years to train and qualify in so that they can help people like your DH overcome his shitty upbringing and his asshole parents' fuckups.

Right, DD in bed. House to myself.

My head is all over the place so probably won't reply properly but thank you to everyone for posting so far. It's helpful to read and think about different opinions.

The whole thing about neglecting his health is not through fear of Drs or anything, I think it was just how he was 'trained' by his DM. Basically you had to be bleeding and dying before you were allowed to take care of yourself and see a Dr.

DH tells me of an incident when he was a child. He had a raging ear infection which had gone on for maybe weeks? His DM refused to take him seriously and take him to the Drs. Eventually she relented and DH says he remembers the Dr going apeshit at his DM saying the infection was so bad that any longer and he would have lost his hearing...!

I think he just buries his head in the sand when it comes to these things. He's been trained to just 'man up' and soldier on.

His DMs DF was an abusive alcoholic and his DFs DM is a classic enmeshed mother who uses her son to 'mother' and look after her
Basically DH comes from a long line of dysfunctional shite in all directions.

He says he truely sees it now. And will seek therapy.

I am making him feel the consequences this time. Since he told me yesterday afternoon he was away on business. I have refused to speak to him and have only communicated through very short, blunt texts. I told him he could come home from work to see DD for tea and bath and then he had to pack and go to a hotel while I was putting her to bed.

He has no idea what I am thinking re:divorce and is genuinely shitting himself as far as I can tell.

I don't want to be a mug. I don't want to set a bad example to DD.

My own family is messed up too. My DM is a narc and I was her scapegoat. DF is classic narc/enabler and Dsis was golden child and has always been horrible to me.

So basically I have been trained since birth to enable and minimize abusive behaviour which is probably why he has behaved this way. Because I have let him.

I think therapy for myself is probably a good idea too. I will not repeat these patterns and have DD learn these dysfunctional lessons

WTAF

It has just become clear by text that DH never even saw the respiratory Dr at all. His GP told him to make an appointment but he never went.

So all the stuff about how it was probably a broken nose and not sleep apnea but needing to do the sleep study to rule it out - it was all a lie. Right from the very start

I feel like I don't know him any more

Has he just admitted this as a part of a new effort to be truthful, or have you just caught him out yet again, even after he's just sworn he'll try harder and get help?

I was married to a man who told many lies. I don't actually think this is anything to do with making or not making an apt. This is to do with control. My ex behaved in an arrogant and deluded way. However he actually had low self esteem and his DM was most certainly personality disordered. As the years went by the lies grew, there was never another woman until years later. Anyway, after we divorced we had our most frank talks and he confessed that telling lies gave him an element of power, that he knew something we all didn't, that once started he couldn't seem to stop. Lying had been something he'd needed to do through childhood and was a good defence. Sadly he carried this into adulthood and became a bit of a Walter Mitty character.
I would not choose to have a friend who told lies, I'd even now less choose a partner. It's soul destroying to wonder what is real every time they speak.
I do think that your DH will continue to lie to you, there's no reason not to. Whether you choose to live like this will be your choice

F

If he accepts he needs therapy , will you trust him enough to go ?