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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving isn't an option. What do I do?

90 replies

Spuddington · 09/08/2017 13:24

I don't have the money to leave. I can barely afford to feed DD some weeks. I can't afford to leave, I'd have nowhere to live.

DH says I'm a fat fucking ugly bitch, he wants to have an affair and he wishes I were dead.

Like I said I can't leave. How the hell do I get through this.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 13:33

If you can't leave, you disengage from him and live your own life.

You let him do his own thing and you do your thing.

Build a social and support network.

Enjoy your daughter.
Tell his parents and family about it, as you'll no longer play along with family outings.

Start making a plan to leave, because staying there indefinitely is detrimental to you health and wellbeing.

It will erode your confidence and self-esteem.

Stop doing things for him as you probably used to.

This may also help

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

Don't you have any family that could help you get on your feet?
I worry about the damage it will cause you.

SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 13:36

Doesn't he contribute to feeding your daughter?

Try and think if this... If he died tomorrow how would you cope? You'd find a way.

That environment isn't good for your little girl.

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/08/2017 13:36

Do you have any family who could help you leave? Have you checked what benefits you might be entitled to? You maybe better off without him.
Please talk to someone in real life.

Original poster
Spuddington · 09/08/2017 13:39

It's his house, his mortgage. Everything in it is his. We barely see each other because he works days and I work nights.

He doesn't contribute unless I beg, my wages have to cover food for him and DD. I don't eat that often because of the expense.

No family around really. Nobody that could help. I can't afford a deposit or rent and don't think I'll ever be able to.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/08/2017 13:42

Ring Woman's Aid, you can leave, you can go there. He is financially abusive and your DD is learning what to expect in a relationship. The refuge will help you sort out benefits etc. to go into rented and he may have to sell the house to give you your share but it's worth it in the long run.

Half of the marital assets are yours!!!

yetmorecrap · 09/08/2017 13:46

If you are married (and you say DH) its immaterial whose house it iseverything is 50/50 and more in your favour if you have an under 18. You find a solicitor that will do half an hour free (many will) and you get some immediate advice. You contact Womans Aid too. If the house is owned it can be sold or you can stay and he can pay the mortgage etc. If you are separated, you will be able to claim benefits depending on maintenance and your income. Take action now. If you are married, its you that's in the strong position although it will involve some shit for a while. It may seem hopeless but that's because he is there screwing your mind, get strong and think of your daughter. How dare this jerk make it that you end up not eating!!!!

Hissy · 09/08/2017 13:49

Call WA and do whatever they suggest - this is abuse in all it's forms

You do have to and MUST get out of this

Original poster
Spuddington · 09/08/2017 13:50

Married but when he bought this house I had to sign saying I had no rights.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 09/08/2017 13:51

If you are married then half of the financial assets such as the house etc. are yours. If that had to be sold then half of the equity could well be yours, even if he does have it solely in his own name.

If you leave and you are the main carer of your child then you will be entitled to child support from him. You would also get the child benefit, possibly child tax credits and maybe some other benefits too.

YoLoZammo · 09/08/2017 13:54

What you signed may not stand up in law. Forget that for now, just call women's aid and get into a refuge first. They will sort you out. Please OP just get out now. He is vile and you need to be free and happy.

Topseyt · 09/08/2017 13:54

Cross post, but what did you sign and who drew it up? Get hold of a copy if you can and check that it is worth the paper it is written on.

Contact Women's Aid for help. You really could do with some proper legal advice.

category12 · 09/08/2017 13:54

Whatever you signed, you may be able to challenge. Get legal advice, make sure you know exactly where you stand.

SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 13:55

This is a very abusive man and you'd be best getting as far away from his as possible. You definitely nerd legal advice, as neither you or your DD should be short of food.

Did he own the house before you met him? At what point did you sign no claim on it and did a solicitor witness it?

When did things change? Why doesn't he divorce you if he's so unhappy? Have you asked him?

PickAChew · 09/08/2017 13:55

Why the fuck are you buying his food?

Original poster
Spuddington · 09/08/2017 13:58

House bought this year using money from his old house. I can't get a mortgage so signed with solicitor to say I'd leave if he stopped paying.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 09/08/2017 13:58

Are your own finances as separate as possible from his? Your pay goes into your own account, not a joint one?

Make sure you have separate accounts, if you don't already.

GreenTulips · 09/08/2017 13:58

You may have signed prior to having a child - things change and it won't stand up in court - he has a responsibility to house your DD

Get advice and start planning

LoyaltyAndLobster · 09/08/2017 14:01

Call WomansAid

Topseyt · 09/08/2017 14:01

Saying that you would leave if he stopped paying may not be the same as saying you have no claim to the equity in the house.

You need to challenge that.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2017 14:04

0808 2000 247 - Call them now!
They can help you.

ShatnersWig · 09/08/2017 14:05

Sorry, but it is simply not true that "leaving is not an option". If you value yourself and your DD, you will ring Womens Aid and speak with them and discover what you can do to leave and how they will help you find somewhere to stay.

Topseyt · 09/08/2017 14:05

Oh, and yes, stop buying his food. Concentrate on yourself and your DD. He can look after himself. He should not be eating well and living comfortably at the expense of his wife and child.

He is nothing but an arsewipe, and things would probably improve immeasurably without him.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 09/08/2017 14:08

OP has he ever been physically abusive towards you?

Original poster
Spuddington · 09/08/2017 14:10

No, just verbally.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2017 14:12

Why can't you leave; what is stopping you really here? Another 3-5 years of this in particular will certainly do you in emotionally and your child will be further affected by his abuse of you as well.

Your innate fear of him, a perceived lack of money, of the unknown, being single, what is it?. If you can articulate your fears then you can be helped more; its probably all of those things and more besides.

You are being abused and not just financially either. He is also abusing his child because he is treating her mum so very badly.

Would you want your DD to have a relationship like this, no you would not. So do not do your bit here to show your DD that yes this is how women are treated in relationships. You and in turn she are being abused here by this individual.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 will help you leave and your child get to a refuge; you must both live a life free of abuse. The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.