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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving isn't an option. What do I do?

90 replies

Spuddington · 09/08/2017 13:24

I don't have the money to leave. I can barely afford to feed DD some weeks. I can't afford to leave, I'd have nowhere to live.

DH says I'm a fat fucking ugly bitch, he wants to have an affair and he wishes I were dead.

Like I said I can't leave. How the hell do I get through this.

OP posts:

category12 · 09/08/2017 14:16

Signing that you'd leave if he defaulted on the mortgage isn't the same as not having any claim on it as a marital asset.

spiritguides · 09/08/2017 14:25

OP I have been in abusive relationships mental verbal and unfortunately physical however you really don't need to put up with this

Think laterally what is he offering YOU write it down then write a list next to it of how he hurts you that side will be much more extensive then it will all be apparent

You say you have no money well you surely can be worse off without him you can get help from benefits

No man is worth this and in time it WILL affect DD

Also if he made you sign things over this may not be binding I think it's worth checking with citizens advice whether he bought the previous property before you legally you were entitled to a share if he coerced you to make you sign away your rights then maybe this could be challenged!!

Keep your chin up and ask the universe for help it's amazing what it will give you when asked xx

LittleBooInABox · 09/08/2017 14:31

No real advice other than what has already been said OP.

Call women's aid. See what they can offer.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/08/2017 14:32

Please call Women's Aid. While I don't have that much experience with benefits, I don't think you can't get any help and would end up homeless. You're already starving as you write so wouldn't even be much of a difference there..

Call them. You CAN leave.

Original poster

Spuddington · 09/08/2017 14:34

I'm starving but right now DD has everything she needs. A house, a room, a bed. Toys, warmth. I have a job.

I'd lose all of that if I went to a refuge.

OP posts:

Taintedlady123 · 09/08/2017 14:36

Op, it sounds like you signed an 'occupiers consent form' as you were living in the house but not on the mortgage. This is is for the mortgage provider's benefit and means that if they have to repossess the house in the case of non payment of the mortgage, you will vacate the property. This has nothing to do with who is entitled to the equity in the house so please don't think that you will have no claim on it.

spiritguides · 09/08/2017 14:37

I know it's not the nicest thing to do but maybe a food bank could help x

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 09/08/2017 14:37

You signed an occupiers consent form. All that means is that you would move out if the lender had to repossess.

Anything else removing your rights to the property wouldnt be worth the paper it was written on as it certainly looks like you weren't given an opportunity to get proper independent legal advice.

You would be entitled to at least half of any equity in the property, if there is any.

You can do this.

JennyOnAPlate · 09/08/2017 14:38

Did you say you're paying for his food as well as your dds? If I've got that right then stop feeding him immediately. Use your wages to feed yourself and dd.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2017 14:57

"I'm starving but right now DD has everything she needs. A house, a room, a bed. Toys, warmth. I have a job.

I'd lose all of that if I went to a refuge"

Why would you lose your job if you went to a refuge; that is not necessarily the case. You both would be safer in a refuge and she would also have a bed and toys there too.

You're starving hungry.

Her house is not the sanctuary it should be because her mother is being abused. And in turn so is she. This is no legacy to leave her, it really is not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2017 15:00

This individual still wants to control and belittle you because abusers actions are all about power and control. He wants absolute over you still and I would think the coercive control started long before marriage as well. If you have indeed signed an occupiers consent form what the other respondents have told you is correct.

Lovemusic33 · 09/08/2017 15:03

I would rather leave and than live with someone who calls me names and has no respect for me.

Seriously talk to Woman's aid, talk to CAB and go online and check what you would be entitled too if you were living on your own.

You may have to spend a shot time in b&b or a refuge but if you apply for housing you should be house quite quickly as you have a young child. You will probably be better off. He will have to pay CSA towards his DD, you will be entitled to some beniffits if you are in a low income.

Moving out isn't impossible.

Quartz2208 · 09/08/2017 15:21

Leaving is your only option, the abuse here is severe (physical abuse is only one strand) and getting you and your daughter out is your priority. Then see if you can get some free legal advice as I suspect you will have more rights than you think

Isetan · 09/08/2017 15:27

Leaving is always an option. You are married to an abusive man and your daughter and her mother do deserve better. Refuges are temporary, they are a safe place away from abuse and will give you the mental space that is no afforded you when you are constantly breathing toxic air.

You need independent advice and that means ignoring the bull from an abusive man.

Junebugjr · 09/08/2017 15:44

Ignore any bullshit from him OP.
Depending on how much you earn you'd be entitled to
Tax credits or universal credits which could bump up your wage significantly. Help with council tax and housing benefit.
Go to 'entitledto' or Turn2us' online and play around with the calculators there to see how much you may get.
You have your child benefit also.
If you engage with a Domestic abuse organisation such as Women's Aid etc, or if you go to a Domestic Abuse one stop shop, they can help you with housing, and access grants to help you furnish your own property.
You are married so will be entitled to half any equity, marital assets etc.
There is help available, but I would access Women's aid first and let them help you, and put u in touch with a solicitor they use who has insight into DV.
The freedom programme is also an amazing programme which can help reset your thinking around what happened in this relationship and how you got to this stage.
Knowledge is power!!

AufderAutobahn · 09/08/2017 15:44

Leaving is your only option. You and your DD cannot go on like this. Call Women's Aid, they will help you form a plan. You might even be better off financially without him, and being in a refuge wouldn't normally mean you can't keep your job. Please do get help though xxx

Junebugjr · 09/08/2017 15:46

Please don't be frightened of refuge either. It's just a stepping stone to where you want to be. And will help you get housed quicker.
Even if you don't want to go down that route, a DV organisation can help with housing applications.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/08/2017 16:03

OP, your DD might have a room and bed, but she also has to live with an abusive father who treats her mother like shit. And she will learn that this is normal. You don't want her to grow up and end up in your shoes, do you?

Original poster

Spuddington · 09/08/2017 16:08

I work nights so Id lose my job. He puts DD to bed and has her until I get home in the early hours.

I really don't want to go to a refuge, I want to leave him but not via a refuge. I can't pick up any more hours (already pay 140 a month for one day at nursery) so saving is just not possible.

Currently sitting in costa. He's taken dd out for a run in the park. I'm at work at 6 so staying out until then. I feel awful for not being home to bathe DD but I've layed her nightclothes out.

OP posts:

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 09/08/2017 16:15

If you are starving because your "D"H will not give you money for food, this IS physical abuse. I think you are minimising the abuse you are receiving and you NEED to get help. What if it gets to the point that you are too hungry to work or look after your child?

Original poster

Spuddington · 09/08/2017 16:20

The kitchen staff at work give me food at the end of the night, I do eat. Just not as much as I should. I'm overweight anyway so not starving.

OP posts:

Mummybear0812 · 09/08/2017 16:25

Me and my partner when through a stage like this in Are relationship I throw him out and told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.... he promised he would change me throwing him out and not wanting to be with him anymore made him change he didn't want to loss me and are 2 kids... I was to blame as well it wasn't just him we both promised we would change for Are kids and we have both change we get on so well now.m everything has changed for the better... maybe if ya say to him that yous are moving away for space he might realise that he dos love you and wants to be with you....

OldGreyBadger · 09/08/2017 16:37

You need legal advice. I suspect the document you signed was to do with his mortgage, meaning you wouldn't try and stay in the house if it was repossessed because he didn't pay it. Nothing to do with your share of its value (probably 50% as PP said.) Try CAB for a referral to a solkicitor for a free half-hour. This can't continue, can it?

SometimesMaybe · 09/08/2017 18:18

You don't know that you can't move about because you don't know what you are entitled to - you H has to support your child and you might be entitled to some sort of spousal support at least initially (not taking into account, savings, pension rights etc too).

When you move out you will get benefits until you can get a job during the day and as your daughter grows you will be able to earn more and work more hours.

First stop CAB, Woman's Aid and a solicitor. Second - speak to Health Visitor and GP about getting some emotional and other practical support.

You can do this. You have to do this.

mummytime · 09/08/2017 18:22

Take the advice given here:
Women's Aid, CAB, solicitor.
You can get out of the relationship.

I wouldn't buy him any food - unless you are worried he will become violent.

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