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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving isn't an option. What do I do?

90 replies

Spuddington · 09/08/2017 13:24

I don't have the money to leave. I can barely afford to feed DD some weeks. I can't afford to leave, I'd have nowhere to live.

DH says I'm a fat fucking ugly bitch, he wants to have an affair and he wishes I were dead.

Like I said I can't leave. How the hell do I get through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spuddington · 09/08/2017 19:02

I've got £7.23 to my name. Benefits don't appear over night, that's what I'm saying. Refuge isn't an option so kinda stuck.

OP posts:
user7680 · 09/08/2017 19:05

Make plans get a job etc and eventually leave

Junebugjr · 09/08/2017 19:09

How about making plans op to leave in the future, look for day job to fit around DD. How old is she?
You can still engage with DV services to make plans to leave, make housing applications etc.

user7680 · 09/08/2017 19:18

Oh sorry didn't realise you work

PoorYorick · 09/08/2017 19:53

Marriage is nothing but a legal contract about sharing assets...everything else is bells and whistles. It definitely sounds like you signed an occupiers consent form, which means nothing in the case of the marriage dissolving.

You absolutely have a claim on the house as a marital asset. You must see a solicitor. Contact Citizens Advice. They will give you legal and practical advice for free.

You say leaving is not an option but please believe me that it is the ONLY option. You cannot bring your child up with an abusive man. I never, ever, ever in my life met a man who was vile to his wife but good to his daughter. Never ever. He might be all right now while she's small, but as she grows....

You MUST get out and please believe us that you CAN. You have a job, you earn money, that puts you at a huge advantage.

Go to CA, take your daughter there tomorrow while your shitbag husband is at work, and talk to them. They can help.

You CANNOT stay in this marriage or this situation. It will be the death of you, one way or another, and your daughter will be forever harmed.

Piewraith · 09/08/2017 20:13

If you are paying for him, you would be better off if you left. You have to leave. Think of your dd. She doesn't deserve this.

Piewraith · 09/08/2017 20:14

Why isn't a refuge an option?

Original poster
Spuddington · 09/08/2017 20:18

She's 18 months. Refuge would mean leaving my job, no more nursery for DD (she loves it) and more than likely being hundreds of miles from the family I do have.

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 09/08/2017 20:20

Regardless of this document you signed, the house is still a marital asset. How long have you been married?

Leaving is the best thing you can do, for your health, your DD, and your finances.

Talk to Women's Aid.

SonicBoomBoom · 09/08/2017 20:21

Why can't you go and visit family?

JK1773 · 09/08/2017 20:29

Taintedlady further up the thread is right. I think you've signed the form the mortgage company insist on so you can't stay if it's repossessed. You are absolutely entitled if you're married, probably more than half if you have your child. Please get some advice. You deserve much better than this

SittingAround1 · 09/08/2017 20:33

You might not be able to leave today, but that doesn't mean you can't start planning.

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 09/08/2017 20:41

You aren't considering any of the options

Dismissing a hostel/refuge..... why? Because your daughter will miss nursery?

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 09/08/2017 20:48

A refuge would only be temporary. It's one step to s better life for you both

43percentburnt · 09/08/2017 20:57

Just find out how much you would get if you left.

Are you family in a position to assist financially? Do they know you don't have food? That you are married to an arse?

That form was an occupiers consent form, who told you it means you cannot claim any money from the house.

Knowledge is power.

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 09/08/2017 21:00

When I was in a refuge ... with 4 dc!! I found we were classed as homeless

Being homeless we were top of the list for social housing

It was fine, it was worth it.... 13 years on I don't recognise that frightened woman I was

Gazelda · 09/08/2017 21:21

Can you try to take small steps towards a better life for you and DD? Make a phone call tomorrow to WA. Call citizens advice another day. Start thinking about other job options that will work for you better. Talk to your family. Just a small task each day or a couple of times each week. You'll soon start feeling more in control and better able to handle the short term in return for a much brighter future.

ClemDanfango · 09/08/2017 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherryontopp · 09/08/2017 22:02

I think you've given up without a fight already.
Reading through this thread you've been given excuse after excuse to each person's (valid) point.

You may not be able to leave right now or next week but you can start planning. Get a day job, soon you'll have free nursery hours for your DD. People don't stay in hostels or refuge's for long, just until there re housed. Or put your name down on the council list as homeless. Phone the help line.

There's no point in coming on here asking for advice if your not going to take any notice.

fannyanddick · 09/08/2017 22:11

Can you get any help with nursery fees? From 2 you may be eligible for some free hours.

fannyanddick · 09/08/2017 22:12

Have you considered asking him to attend counselling if your not able to leave?

Belle89 · 09/08/2017 22:15

If you really wanted to leave you would.
It is possible, losing your job would be shit, staying in a refuge would be shit, starting over will be shit. But it'll all be temporary and your current situation sounds shit and unless you change it, it'll stay that way for a long long time and as your daughter get older it'll have an increasingly negative impact on her also.

AufderAutobahn · 09/08/2017 22:55

The pros of your current situation seem to be: you have a steady job (although you're starving due to being unable to pay for food for yourself) ; your 18 month old daughter has a place at a nursery she loves. As for the cons, though, where do I start? The long-term damage caused to your DD by remaining in the relationship will massively outweigh the shorter-term importance of keeping her at nursery; your self esteem and respect is being destroyed ; you are financially and verbally abused... What sort of life is this for you? Is it really the fear of the unknown keeping you where you are? Even if you don't want to go to a refuge, please at least call Women's Aid. Get some practical help. There is no other way to deal with this, your husband will not change and there is no magical coping strategy for this kind of situation. Please at least get some outside help xxx

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 09/08/2017 23:11

We wish Spuddington all the best, of course, but we do post the below as standard.
We're awed daily by the astonishing support that our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns - but we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster (emotionally or financially) than they can afford to spare.

PickAChew · 09/08/2017 23:28

I signed one of those forms because I hadn't yet got myself released from my own previous house and had various other financial obligations when DH bought this house so couldn't be on the mortgage. It doesn't just mean that you have no right to remain in the house, if it's repossessed, it also means that you're not held liable to pay them if he doesn't pay, so it's not all bad, given that he's an abusive twat.

There's a massive hump involvd in leaving him, but things will be better once that hump is negotiated.

A PP mentioned finding a job with better hours for you. Can you do that, now?