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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am trapped in my marriage

83 replies

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 19:16

My children mean the WORLD to me.

I cannot bear to think of them having EOW and evenings. More than that I don't feel it is safe.

I'm trying to wait it out until the youngest starts secondary. She is only 2 so I have a long wait!

OP posts:

Ropsleybunny · 08/08/2017 19:19

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 19:30

Love, you cannot wait that long. You will be destroyed and ypur own relationship with your children will be damaged.

If your husband is not safe to care for his kids alone EOW that is all the more reason to get away from him. Unless you can monitor him 24 hours a day. In what way is he dangerous to them ?

Have you given Women"s Aid a call ?

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 19:32

What's so bad about your marriage? Is it just boring? Abusive? No love?

Depending on the issue will depend on the advice you will get your post is super vague. I'm genuinely sorry you are feeling this way but there might be something you can do to either make it bearable or happy even!! Unless it abusive you need to seek proper help if that's the case.

Original poster

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 19:36

I have AF and thanks for the kind message. They did offer me a place in a refuge with the children obviously but I have pets and I love them too and also and most pertinently they did reluctantly have to concede he would be entitled to contact.

I hate having to get so sneaky but I am trying to get evidence but all the abuse is aimed towards me. Thankfully, obviously I don't want the children hurt.

But I have known him a long long time. I know his nasty little fantasies and I know how much hurt and damage he can do.

OP posts:

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 20:08

Abuse is really the worst place you can be luckily for me I didn't have children with my abusive partner but it's still horrific. Do not stay for pets Hun your children need you, I say that as an animal lover but honestly you can't be replaced if it goes to far.

I really hope you can get out of this sooner rather than later for everyone involved.

Ploppymoodypants · 08/08/2017 20:10

You have my sympathies. I wish I could offer some support, but unfortunately I know of a number of people trapped in abusive relationships but unbaked to leave because the children won't be safe during contact. Unless you can prove sexual abuse of the children you won't be able to prevent unsupervised access I am afraid. Even if he only abused one, we would get supervised access to the other 😥 The family court system is set up to keep others trapped in abusive relationships. Apparently parental alienation is more harmful that being abused by a parent... (I am not saying parental alienation isn't damaging, just that the courts have their priorities the wrong way round).

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/08/2017 20:20

The fact you have been offered a place in refuge for you and your children means there is serious concerns for your safety and wellbeing. Get out now. You've already taken a very brave step seeking advice and help so listen to what they're telling you. As for contact see if someone from WA can put you in touch with a solicitor who specialises in this type of thing for advice. You stay "for your children's sake" and you might end up destroying them.

As for your pets what do you have? Some local shelters can arrange fostering for them until you can find a new home or go back to your old one. A member of staff at the refuge me and my kids were at took our pets for us but several other ladies had dogs and they stayed in foster care for the duration. There are ways around it. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 20:22

Slowly but surely get your pets taken care of elsewhere so you can still visit. Animals do not take precedence over children.

Have you any proof at all of his abuse of you ? Doctor's visits ? Transcipts of conversations with WA ? Friends/family that have witnessed it ?

Coercive control and emotional abuse are now crimes in their own right. Please reach out to as many people, professional and otherwise, that you can.

You know he uses escorts. Gather your evidence. One day he will regret treating you like this.

Original poster

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 20:39

I have tried to record some of the behaviour but it is difficult to do it discretely.

I don't have any family and I think he is worse since my dad died. Like he knows I've no fallback. Not that my dad was ever much help!

OP posts:

SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 20:41

Does this help?

www.rspca.org.uk/whatwedo/care/petretreat

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 20:42

I don't mean sound recordings. Please don't do anything that could get you a beating.

Start a password protected online diary. And never, ever tell him.

Whisky2014 · 08/08/2017 20:43

Where are you op? I could look after your animals until you get settled somewhere. if you are near to me. Forfar area in scotland.

SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 20:44

GPs will happily note any injuries you show them on your record for possible future legal use.

Original poster

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 20:48

Bless you whisky am in the heart of middle england but thankyou.

I sometimes wish he'd die as awful as that sounds. Then I think I wiĺl leave but sending innocent children to his abuse and control scares me so much.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 20:51

Are your dc below school age ? Your health visitor could also be a source of confidential support

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 20:52

I wish him dead too. One less in the world of his ilk would be a blessing.

category12 · 08/08/2017 20:57

The emotional harm he can do to your dc over the years is enormous.

I think that you have a fair shot that if you are boring and unemotional and accepting, that you can slip out from under him.

Tbh love, find your animals other homes quietly.

And think on, our kids being exposed to an asshole 10% of the time vs that person wandering in and out of your life at random, being exposed to them 24/7 up until they decide to fuck off ? WTAF?

Original poster

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 20:59

There is a lovely nurse practitioner at the surgery and I told her a bit. He takes my anti depressants too.

I loved him so much once.

OP posts:

Neutrogena · 08/08/2017 21:01

Have you spoken to the police if he is very dangerous? What makes him such a threat?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/08/2017 21:07

I think it's normal to wish them dead. You want your problems to go away and they will if he's not there.

And what AF said please don't do anything that might rile him up like recording him he could really hurt you.

I'm being vague here but fb messenger nailed my ex. Not in a criminal court as I haven't pressed charges (yet) but in family court. Massively helped my case. As did giving my solicitor a blow by blow very detailed account of things he has done to me. He struggled to make a coherent argument in his defence and just ranted and told lies instead which were easy to see through.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 21:14

He steals your medication ?

Original poster

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 21:17

Yes, apparently it helps him sleep. He will take anything away as a punishment so to speak. Car keys, phones, bank cards, things like that.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 21:19

Make notes of all this (that he will never find)

CauliflowerSqueeze · 08/08/2017 21:21

Horrific.

Tempting to lace it with arsenic.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 08/08/2017 21:21

(But don't)

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