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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am trapped in my marriage

83 replies

blackberrypickinginaugust · 08/08/2017 19:16

My children mean the WORLD to me.

I cannot bear to think of them having EOW and evenings. More than that I don't feel it is safe.

I'm trying to wait it out until the youngest starts secondary. She is only 2 so I have a long wait!

OP posts:
Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 11:40

When I spoke to them last month and they mentioned the possibility of a refuge I asked about contact. They said that supervised access is only given when there is evidence of abuse to the children. Not even indirect abuse counts.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 11:41

Unfortunately attila I do. It is true years down the line he may lose interest as many men do but the initial fallout would be horrific.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 09/08/2017 11:43

Can you find a family law solicitor and sneak off for an initial appointment with them?

My instinct would be to start thinking (and evidence gathering) in terms of emotional abuse of the children but a professional opinion would be invaluable.

SerfTerf · 09/08/2017 11:45

(You can still use refuge services without fully adopting their initial ideas about your legal strategy. Most women in refuge will have their own independent family law solicitor at some point during their stay. Usually legal aid funded.)

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 11:47

I can look into it. I am just terrified of my relationship with my children being damaged beyond repair.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 09/08/2017 11:48

Also try these;

childlawadvice.org.uk

rightsofwomen.org.uk

I know it's terrifying, but information is power.

Flimp · 09/08/2017 11:50

OP, there are some charities that can help with pets when women flee from domestic abuse:

http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

I know it's not the only thing stopping you but it doesn't hurt to have a look at your options.

Flowers
Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 11:56

Thank you. I really appreciate that. X

OP posts:
Flimp · 09/08/2017 12:06

Just start to think about it love. You don't have to do anything about it yet.

ginandlime · 09/08/2017 13:32

blackberry, WA can only advise you on what is common. A solicitor will give better advice. Don't forget the people you speak to at WA are not solicitors, they're volunteers and whilst they're well trained they're not able to answer every individual case and can only give you an idea. Get all of you to a refuge and find a solicitor.
Dd is getting help, thank you.

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/08/2017 13:40

This is the RSPCA's pet retreat service to help people in exactly your situation. I have had clients who have used it.

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 13:41

Thank you x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 14:09

There are pet foster homes for cats and dogs. Google it and see what's in your area. I actually foster cats through a charity myself, but I'm not in the Midlands unfortunately.

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 14:15

The problem is sandy he would notice a suddenly-animal free home. And i have a lot of pets. I have always loved animals ever since I was a little girl. And since stopping work they are a source of comfort and companionship.

I have 6 (Blush) cats plus chickens and rabbits. We did have a dog but she died last year. I miss her.

OP posts:
Applebloom · 09/08/2017 15:11

Time to gather some strength get some support from local services GP solicitor etc see what help is available.

Your relationship with your children could be damaged by staying in an abusive home. As they grow they could mimic his treatment of you or lose respect for you.

Your animals could stay in a rescue center for a short time.
At some point you may have to put a plan of action in place remove yourself children and animals from home.

Time to break down each barrier one by one of all the reasons you feel you can't leave

Your mental health and safety of yourself and your children are the most important really!

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 15:45

There is one reason: the contact.

The only thing keeping me in this marriage is that parenting seperately is dangerous.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/08/2017 15:46

How old are you children?

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 15:57

Young. Only toddlers.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/08/2017 17:31

I think at the moment you are stuck looking at the damage that could be done by leaving not the damage by staying (understandable). Have you started looking into leaving?

Taking someone else medication is a criminal offence

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 18:04

I have Quartz

Decided where we would live. Thought about school and nursery. Then paralysed.

And amidst all that is so much pain. I still love him. But I hate him too.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/08/2017 18:56

Do you have family and friend support?

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 19:40

No. I don't have anybody. A handful of friends. But I don't want to put it all on their shoulders.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2017 19:42

They will want to help if they know the situation. Have you opened up to anyone ?

Original poster
blackberrypickinginaugust · 09/08/2017 20:10

A bit but I just get people saying to leave NOW and I can't!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2017 20:47

They are worried about you, that's all.