I am trapped in my marriage

[blackberrypickinginaugust]

My children mean the WORLD to me.

I cannot bear to think of them having EOW and evenings. More than that I don't feel it is safe.

I'm trying to wait it out until the youngest starts secondary. She is only 2 so I have a long wait!

Think a bit about the effect absorbing this atmosphere during the formative years will have.

I completely understand your fears about EOW and contact beyond your control BUT you don't actually have sufficient control to shield them within the marriage. So instead of thinking "9 more years is necessary" I really think you need to move towards accepting that getting out soonish is necessary, ( always keeping your wits about you, gathering evidence and planning).

Serf I know. I worry so much about this. One of my children throws tantrums that seem beyond the norm to me. Another is definitely mimicking his dad's behaviour. But then I imagine them at the bottom of a lake and I can't live with that.

I think the chances are fair, that if you make him think it will make your life difficult and unhappy, that he will act like he wants lots of custody - but not actually use it. So act like you want him to take them away for holidays etc. reverse psychology

FWIW, when my eldest was 2 I just said "no" to further contact between DC1 and biodad.

The refuge system had already put miles between us, so that helped, but one day my toddler came back from the very minimal contact in place (3 hrs once a month) and told me something that just made me say "never again". It wasn't just too dangerous.

He made same noise and lawyered up but never proceeded to court (partly because he knew there were refuge and medical records, I'm sure).

It WAS just too dangerous.

Problem is DH is good (brilliant, in fact) at manipulating situations so he is the wronged party. And he gets a real kick out of frightening people.

I try to tell myself that it is all okay but it isn't.

And also it hurts so so much that he doesn't love me and never did.

Blackberry, you said heart of middle England. I am in Worcestershire and have escaped an emotionally abusive relationship with a very clever pathological controlling liar. If you are any where near here, pm. Happy to help with animal care and practicalities to help you find an escape. Xx

Thank you ruler that means a lot

Please speak to WA again.

Blackberry I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you considered "disappearing" - this is what I would be tempted to do in your situation but it is probably not easy. I am sure people have done it though - moved to a different part of the country, possibly changed their name etc...

Have you told any professionals how twisted he is and that you fear what he could do to your dc?

Don't worry about not being loved - the "love" of a nasty, controlling and vengeful person is worth nothing. You sound like such a loving mother, who is in a very difficult situation.

Maybe a blow by blow diary of how your H behaves would be enough for him to only get supervised access to your kids?

Honestly it doesn't make a difference. What someone said up the thread about having access even in cases of sexual abuse is quite correct. It doesn't matter how badly I am treated.

Blackberry,
"One of my children throws tantrums that seem beyond the norm to me. Another is definitely mimicking his dad's behaviour"

Do not leave this to your children as their legacy; this is also why you cannot and must not wait it out till the youngest starts secondary. They are already being affected by dad's abuse of you at home; you cannot fully protect them from seeing and hearing it. And TBH I can see you more likely at the bottom of a lake; he could well put you in the morgue. Every day spent at home is another opportunity for him to abuse you and in turn your children.

You ultimately need that refuge place; such are never ever given at all lightly. Do talk to WA again.

What Attila said. How will you protect your children if he goes too far and kills you? It won't matter whether he means to kill you or you accidentally trip and hit your head. The impact on your children would be the same.

Rehome your animals on the quiet. Pretend they ran away / died / whatever. Then you can travel light when you finally go.

Oh he wouldn't believe that. Plus I am not sure I want to go to a refuge. I'm a bit scared to be honest and t feels all dramatic.

Your pets cannot and must not take precedence here over yourself and your children who are bare witness to all this as well.

Why the doubts about going into a refuge?. Staying with this man is not easier at all. You're living in a crisis situation here daily.

Fear is a very real reason why women stay within abusive relationships and your fear is justified but what is really worse here; life with him or a life without him in it day to day. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none.

I just saw another murder suicide in the news at the weekend and there were three children to witness that. Please please act quickly you are not being dramatic using the refuge. I know what you mean about them being a master manipulator they are normally the most charming lovely human beings and so easily look like the victim but you know differently don't let him control you anymore.

My exh told the world and then some such horrific lies about me I thought I'd never recover. I did and the people that know the truth are all that matter now. I know how easily I fell for his lies so I don't blame others for believing him.

If the proposed action is proportional to the problem, then it's not "dramatic" is it?

No advice, but stay strong and stay safe! ❤

It isn't just the pets. It is access during and after the separation.

I did what you did. Anyfucker and others told me to get out. I hung on for two years and with their support and that of WA I got out in the end. I didn't have the access issues, BUT I do have one at home now, she's on her fifth suicide attempt in a year. I don't mean silly little things I mean forty odd paracetamol at a time. This is due to the abuse she witnessed and suffered. Please don't do what I did and get your children out as soon as you can. Access issues can be dealt with later, if he's upsetting them, you can get a solicitor to re-think the access and maybe go for supervised access only. But get out now, you're honestly doing them more harm than good by staying.
Good luck!

WA have said he can't have supervised access though

It isn't that he upsets the children. He does sometimes. But he says things to them. When my son was a baby i fell asleep upstairs and didn't hear him crying and DH repeats this story to them so I sound like an uncaring lazy slob rather than an exhausted new mum! He says "well Mummy is silly." If I do something perfectly normal like ask one of the children to put a toy or book away he mimics me so I can't do anything without mockery.

He is good at rewriting the past as well.

I am so so sorry about your daughter. Is she ok now? X

WA have said he can't have supervised access though

What do you mean?

"It is access during and after the separation".

Do you think that such a man would be at all interested in his children post separation?. He may not actually want to see the children at all and/or simply use them to further get back at you by controlling you.

WA have been correct in stating to you that he cannot have unsupervised access.