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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this too messy?

89 replies

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 14:25

I hardly know where to start with this.

A very old friend of mine and I were recently both broken up with by our partners. He was married to his partner. She's also a long term, very close, friend of mine. In fact, I was bridesmaid at their wedding.

We've been spending a lot of time together. A few weeks back, he said that he had a crush on me.

He's now told me that he loves me.

We've messed around a few times. But he refuses to have sex with me. He says he can't do it because he's a broken man. Obviously, I've said to him that this is absolutely fine and he is entitled to say no to sex. But things have got very heated and it is causing me frustration.

I don't know if I should just walk away. It sounds like it's a rebound thing, for both of us. I'm not really over my ex and I suspect he isn't either. But he does make me feel very happy. I wasn't treated very nicely in my last relationship. So it's kind of hard for me to have someone be nice to me because I find it overwhelming. But it's very lovely to be treated nicely.

He's an incredibly kind person. He's told me I'm not under any obligation to reciprocate his feelings. But I don't know what to do. I mean, being bridesmaid at his wedding!

His ex wife does know about it (because she saw us together!!) and has said she's ok with it. She left him for someone else.

Too messy?

OP posts:
Crowdo · 08/08/2017 14:43

Anyone got any advice? I really need to make an urgent decision about this before it all gets out of hand.

OP posts:
thestamp · 08/08/2017 14:52

Any kids involved?

If not, I'd just do whatever I feel tbh. If he makes you feel good, then good. But only if he makes you feel good - the whole "I'm a broken man" bit does sound like hes prepping to discard you once he feels a little better about himself. I think he is fixing to make you feel pretty shit eventually.

If there are kids involved in your side I wouldn't take the risk. Simply because the kids will need you to be compos mentis as you all adjust to the new way of life. You don't need a man who may fuck you off in a few weeks and leave you even more devastated.

I'm still with the man I met 3 weeks after I left my ex. Rebound stuff isn't necessarily bad. BUT. I was able to.keep said man at arm's length, dating extremely casually, for about the first year. Gave me some time to heal up and be a bit more of a whole person before things got deeper.

It sounds to me like you are already feeling in over your head. And, sorry, but I think he is trying to tell you that he is not interested in you long term. So be careful. I'd work hard to keep distance, what ever you decide. Xx

NotTheFordType · 08/08/2017 14:53

Are you okay with a sexless relationship? Because I think he's been pretty clear that's what he wants.

If you want a sexual relationship then you're going to have to look elsewhere.

Depending on how recent the breakup was, you're probably both rebounding. If you value your friendship with him and want to keep it, then I'd probably put the brakes on and say you just want to stay friends but nothing more.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 14:58

I have a son. He doesn't have any children. I have fifty fifty care with my ex husband, so I have lots of time free for a part time relationship.

He's said that he wants to have sex, but doesn't feel able to do it. If anything, I think he really wants to, but has some kind of bizarre barrier. He won't even let me touch his ding dong. But I've checked with him and his ex wife and apparently there are no issues that would stop him other than a mental block.

OP posts:
Crowdo · 08/08/2017 14:59

I'm not ok with a sexless relationship. I'm happy to wait for someone to feel comfortable, but this seems to be beyond a normal amount of waiting to be confident enough to do it.

OP posts:
TheSnowFairy · 08/08/2017 15:04

You've checked with his ex wife, your friend, if there's any reason you wouldn't be able to have sex with him?!

Shock
Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:10

She's a very close friend! And she did say she was happy he had someone else beforehand.

I did say it was all a bit messy. I know it's weird dating your very close friend's ex husband. That's part of what I'm worried about.

OP posts:
TangledSlinky · 08/08/2017 15:11

I'd leave well alone, it's quite clearly a rebound and neither of you sound in the right place for a relationship or even FWB to be honest. Why are you in such a rush to be with someone else when you say yourself you're not over your ex?

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/08/2017 15:16

I'd leave well alone. It's got fucked up written all over it.

No matter the circumstances, there's no way I would get involved with a friends ex. Its just one of those unwritten rules in life isn't it.

He could be trying to make her jealous.

Plus he doesn't want to shag you so based on that I would walk away.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:17

I'm not in a rush to be with anyone. I've been trying to cool things off for a few weeks, but he's very keen.

He came over at the weekend, after weeks of just texting occasionally. Things got really heated and that's when he told me he loved me.

OP posts:
Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:19

That's what I thought about her being such a close friend. I was horrified when she spotted us together. But she went out of her way to tell me it was absolutely fine.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 08/08/2017 15:21

Of course she did op, she doesn't want to look like the bad guy for leaving him.

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/08/2017 15:21

He doesn't love you......

He's a broken man remember.

user1493413286 · 08/08/2017 15:23

I think until he's 'ready' keep it as just friends as otherwise it's stringing you along a bit. It'd be different if he said he wanted a relationship but wasn't ready for sex but it sounds like he likes just keeping you there.
If he needs time to get over his relationship breakdown he needs to do it without messing with your head.

crazymissdaisy · 08/08/2017 15:24

Actually OP I think that you were right to ask his ex wife, since you are really good friends. Imagine if she had told you he never wants sex, or is impotent, or so anxious that they never bothered, or is only turned on by jelly wrestling in a badger costume? How about saying you are very fond of him and you have both a strong emotional connection and sexual desire, so you can see the relationship has potential once he is ready for a full relationship? He will get your meaning without you having to knock his confidence. Otherwise you are like a nurse supporting him back to sexual health!

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:26

True. It's probably just convenient for her that she doesn't have to worry about leaving him now. Not that she's spiteful, but she might be subconsciously happy to have some of the guilt relieved.

I suspect he doesn't love me, but is having overwhelming feelings. They were together for about twenty years, so this is all very new to him.

But then, he has known me for pretty much the same amount of time. So it's not like he's not seeing the wood for the trees entirely.

Oh god, in fact, many years ago, we used to house share with him and his ex wife, before they were married, with me and my then boyfriend. Although, we're talking fifteen years ago now

OP posts:
Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:27

Yes, I don't want to nurse him out of it. I've been totally reassuring about it, but really it's massively frustrating.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2017 15:35

Why the fuck are you wanting to sleep with your good friends ex husband!?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:37

I suppose because we both fancy each other. I didn't plan it.

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 08/08/2017 15:42

I think if you like each other but aren't sure then you should take it really slow. If he is as lovely as you say he is taking a little time might be the right thing to do. He sounds like he is being honest. Good luck OP x

QuiteLikely5 · 08/08/2017 15:47

Why won't he have sex? What is the reason that he gives?

Have you asked him outright how long he expects you to wait?

I think he has a small manhood and he's embarrassed Blush

I mean what else could it be?

SweetLuck · 08/08/2017 15:50

He won't have sex because he is a 'broken man' Confused

I couldn't be doing with that.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:52

I don't know if it's possible to take things slowly after the I love you bombshell. I feel like I should get out of the kitchen equally to feeling like I could give him a chance. He is really especially kind and a lovely person.

I have put my hand on his erection and it definitely isn't tiny. It's more than adequate, if anything.

He says he wants to, but can't bring himself to do it because he's a 'broken man'. I have tried to get out of him more than that, but he won't talk about it. He talks about having sex and how much he would like to. And then he says he's an idiot because he won't do it.

OP posts:
Crowdo · 08/08/2017 15:56

I have no idea what it could be apart from some sort of psychological block? Maybe something to do with being broken up with by his ex? It's still weird though. He's very sexual in many other ways.

He has said that he's not very confident about how he looks. He's a little overweight, but he's always been quite large. I think he's got a big frame in general. He doesn't overeat. He's kind of weird about food. So it could be a very poor self image.

OP posts:
Iwanttobeanonymous · 08/08/2017 16:01

"He won't even let me touch his ding dong"
"I have put my hand on his erection..."

So which is it, OP?

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