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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this too messy?

89 replies

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 14:25

I hardly know where to start with this.

A very old friend of mine and I were recently both broken up with by our partners. He was married to his partner. She's also a long term, very close, friend of mine. In fact, I was bridesmaid at their wedding.

We've been spending a lot of time together. A few weeks back, he said that he had a crush on me.

He's now told me that he loves me.

We've messed around a few times. But he refuses to have sex with me. He says he can't do it because he's a broken man. Obviously, I've said to him that this is absolutely fine and he is entitled to say no to sex. But things have got very heated and it is causing me frustration.

I don't know if I should just walk away. It sounds like it's a rebound thing, for both of us. I'm not really over my ex and I suspect he isn't either. But he does make me feel very happy. I wasn't treated very nicely in my last relationship. So it's kind of hard for me to have someone be nice to me because I find it overwhelming. But it's very lovely to be treated nicely.

He's an incredibly kind person. He's told me I'm not under any obligation to reciprocate his feelings. But I don't know what to do. I mean, being bridesmaid at his wedding!

His ex wife does know about it (because she saw us together!!) and has said she's ok with it. She left him for someone else.

Too messy?

OP posts:
thestamp · 08/08/2017 17:48

Bizarre idea, but have you ever considered that you don't need to wade through all this shit?

this

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 17:53

Yes, I'm considering it right now! I've kind of been urged into a more serious situation by the I love you confession this weekend. I would never have said that so soon after coming out of a relationship. But it's either true or it's his delusion caused by recent break up.

If I'm honest, I don't really want to stay away from him. But I equally want my life to be simple. My ex really messed me around with being hot and cold and I'm not a good judge of what's real and what's not at the moment.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 17:59

I suspect he's not as nice as you think he is. He's already shown he's prepared to mess you about, for starters. And I managed to get my hand on it once for a few seconds before he took my hand away. Apart from that, he won't let me near it sounds like some terrible 1970s farce.

Isetan · 08/08/2017 18:07

Oh dear, this isn't messy it's just plain weird.

You are sexually incompatible and whatever his issues are, they aren't your problem, they're his.

Throw him back just because he was a friend beforehand you thought you knew him, until you discovered you didn't.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 18:14

He's definitely as nice as I think he is. I've known him for twenty years.

OP posts:
talonofthehawk · 08/08/2017 18:16

OP what do you want from us?

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 18:19

Just someone else's perspective. I am worried that I'm not the best judge of this situation. But he really is a nice person. There's no question of him doing anything that he thought might upset me. So I have to make that clear to get the right feedback.

OP posts:
talonofthehawk · 08/08/2017 18:21

We have told you our perspective and you aren't listening.
You 'know' he's as nice as he appears.
You can't stay away from him.
You do think you are sexually compatible.
You don't want to go back to being friends.

What can anyone say?
Apart from the situation is WERID but you are ignoring that!

Ilovefraybentos · 08/08/2017 18:23

He's using you for the emotional connection he no longer has with his wife. He's not actually attracted to you as a person, you're just convenient. He isn't having sex with you because he isn't in to you physically, just for his emotional needs.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 18:25

I mentioned firstly that it was weird.

He's definitely into me physically. He's said that he wants to have sex, but he can't bring himself to do it.

I honestly don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 08/08/2017 18:26

My ex really messed me around with being hot and cold

Can you not see that is exactly what this guy is doing?

user1488575338 · 08/08/2017 18:27

Shagging an old friend you've known for 20 years isn't a good idea. Been there, got the t-shirt. The only reason the pair of you are contemplating a relationship is because you've both been dumped..... It's not a good enough reason.

He may well be a lovely bloke but his world has crashed and burnt, he's looking for comfort and reassurance from someone, who better than someone who knows him as well you.

You need to put a stop to this.

AhYerWill · 08/08/2017 18:29

IME, which sounds remarkably similar to yours, it feels so good to be treated kindly after having a fuck-awful relationship, that it's very hard to see the other red-flags.

I landed in a relationship with a gentle, kind guy after leaving a ltr with an abusive fuckwit. I was so happy to be with someone that didn't treat me like shit, I overlooked a couple of massive issues that normally would have sent me for the hills.

I suspect your radar is similarly skewed, and what you actually need right now is time to properly recover from your last relationship and rediscover yourself (and your boundaries) rather than getting bogged down trying to save someone else from their issues. Take time out from men completely, perhaps do the freedom program, and figure out why you are willing to settle for so little.

Ilovefraybentos · 08/08/2017 18:29

A man can say they want to fly to Mars and back in a chicken suit and then put their dick in a blender, it doesn't make it true. Anyone can say anything.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2017 18:30

Shagging an old friend you've known for 20 years isn't a good idea. Been there, got the t-shirt.

Have you RTFT? This isn't some old friend or an old flame. He's her good friend's ex husband. Where do you draw the line?

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 18:34

Well, we're not shagging! Smile

I agree it's most likely a bad idea. I am still upset about my ex's treatment of me. It does feel very nice to have someone be kind to me. But it means we will not be able to talk to each other any longer if I do stop things now. That makes me feel sad. Ughh. It's such a minefield!

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 18:38

He's not much of a friend then is he?

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2017 18:38

It's such a minefield!

Yes, sometimes it can be. But the least you could do is not have a fucking relationship with the ex of a good friend of yours. Do you think there are only 4 men in the entire universe.

Forget him. Yes you've been hurt in the past and I'd welcome a thread about moving on and dealing with that. But leave him. You're not even established yet you're still jumping through hoops or working out how to do so. That way madness lives. Move the fuck on.

user1488575338 · 08/08/2017 18:44

But that's your intention?

VP - she said this man was an old friend of hers from 20 years ago. If the ex wife isn't bothered then what's the problem. I'm not judging her on it. I wouldn't do it as I'd find it too weird but each to their own.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 08/08/2017 18:54

Causing you this much angst and frustration doesn't much sound like he's being kind to you and the I love you bomb he dropped is absolute bollocks, please don't tell me you believe that shite?!? For some reason you seem hell bent on rescuing him, but instead why don't you just concentrate on you and your son? Are you so desperate you would prefer to waste time on this car crash instead of your son?? Try being kind to yourself Flowers

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 19:14

Ah, dear mumsnet Grin

I'm going over to talk to him now. We'll see what happens from some questioning. I'm not emotionally committed to him at this stage. I need to ask a few frank questions about whether he really thinks he is serious, whether he really thinks this is not a rebound, and what the hell is going on with this needlessly dramatic 'broken man' bullshit.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/08/2017 19:18

"I love you" could well be untrue or meaningless, eg arising from his upset over his ex or a way to make himself feel better about getting it on with his ex's "close friend".

You have treated your friend terribly.

IME men who say they are "broken" mean that they don't want a relationship and will likely treat you badly.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2017 19:20

Unless you get kicks from "heavy petting" where he keeps his trousers on and you don't it seems pointless.

OhDearMuriel · 08/08/2017 19:23

Go with Your gut instinct Crowdo - Good Luck x

rumred · 08/08/2017 19:25

He's absolutely not over his wife - it's not long finished and he's declaring he loves you? Seriously he doesn't. He needs to take time out and sort himself and his emotions. If he fancied you and was emotionally available surely you'd be shagging like rabbits?

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