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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this too messy?

89 replies

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 14:25

I hardly know where to start with this.

A very old friend of mine and I were recently both broken up with by our partners. He was married to his partner. She's also a long term, very close, friend of mine. In fact, I was bridesmaid at their wedding.

We've been spending a lot of time together. A few weeks back, he said that he had a crush on me.

He's now told me that he loves me.

We've messed around a few times. But he refuses to have sex with me. He says he can't do it because he's a broken man. Obviously, I've said to him that this is absolutely fine and he is entitled to say no to sex. But things have got very heated and it is causing me frustration.

I don't know if I should just walk away. It sounds like it's a rebound thing, for both of us. I'm not really over my ex and I suspect he isn't either. But he does make me feel very happy. I wasn't treated very nicely in my last relationship. So it's kind of hard for me to have someone be nice to me because I find it overwhelming. But it's very lovely to be treated nicely.

He's an incredibly kind person. He's told me I'm not under any obligation to reciprocate his feelings. But I don't know what to do. I mean, being bridesmaid at his wedding!

His ex wife does know about it (because she saw us together!!) and has said she's ok with it. She left him for someone else.

Too messy?

OP posts:
user1499333856 · 08/08/2017 19:34

Do you really understand why he and his wife split up in the first place l? Won't that give you some indication of what he is like as a partner/maybe one day shag?

Does he have regrets? Is guilt stopping him from moving on? It's so early days.

I don't know why I did this to myself. Please don't do it to yourself.

category12 · 08/08/2017 19:46

My ex really messed me around with being hot and cold
My ex really messed me around with being hot and cold
My ex really messed me around with being hot and cold

TangledSlinky · 08/08/2017 19:53

I suspect the reason he won't have sex with you is because that would mean his relationship with his wife is totally over.

He may be "nice" but it's crystal clear he doesn't know what the hell he wants right now...men who want to have sex with you generally just bloody get on with it rather than harping on about being a broken man, I mean seriously, what a turn off! Whether he means to or not, I can absolutely guarantee that you'll end up getting hurt if you carry on this charade.

If you both genuinely like each other and really want to have a future, stop using each other to fill the void of your exes and just spend time as friends until neither of you are "broken". As the old adage goes, if it's meant to be, it'll be. Surely it's best to start up a relationship once you've both over your exes anyway?

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 21:45

He says he won't have sex with me because he doesn't like himself.

He doesn't think he's on the rebound.

OP posts:
thestamp · 08/08/2017 21:55

I've kind of been urged into a more serious situation by the I love you confession this weekend.

This statement is a MASSIVE red flag.

Do you understand that he is being manipulative with the I love you? He is trying to hurry you into something that will make him feel better in the midst of his pain. He isn't doing it consciously, but he's doing it.

You should NEVER, NEVER feel rushed into being with someone. You ONLY feel that way when it's not right.

But it's either true or it's his delusion caused by recent break up.

Um, do you understand that it can be both? "Love" is a chemical reaction designed to bond human beings to each other. It doesn't only happen when there's a good match between two people. Like, two complete numpties who will make each other REALLY miserable can fall in love. In fact they frequently do.

That's why the feeling of love isn't actually a great indicator of anything. Please use your head. This situation is going to blow up in your face.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 22:10

People generally don't think they're on the rebound, and if they do they certainly don't tell the person whose attention they are seeking.

user1499333856 · 08/08/2017 22:12

'If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?'

RuPaul is never wrong. Call it a day!

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 08/08/2017 22:55

HE thinks
HE wants
HE says

Dear god women are allowed to have opinions! Why give more importance to his needs over yours???

Amazing that seemingly intelligent women swallow any old tripe to have a 'relationship' with self absorbed idiots like this guy.
He is not a nice guy, he is a manipulative HEADFUCK.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 23:09

I didn't agree that he's a bad person at all. But I've told him I won't be coming back.

It doesn't really feel like the right thing.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 08/08/2017 23:11

First of all, YABU (massively so) for calling it his ding dong. WTAF?!?

Secondly, can you suggest he seeks some therapy while the two of you put the brakes on the heavy petting? Spend time together as friends, but nothing physical until he fixes whatever is broken and likes himself again.

You deserve better than his current mess.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 23:14

Ding dong makes me laugh.

And this isn't an AIBU.

I'm not suggesting anything to him. He's in a mess and I can't fix it. If he liked me, he'd fix it himself.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 08/08/2017 23:25

Fair enough. By the time I got to the end I couldn't remember which forum this was in, apologies.

Agree with your second paragraph. Good for you.

Crowdo · 08/08/2017 23:26

Don't worry. It's no big deal.

Yeah, I think it's the right thing. But it is making me feel pretty sad right now.

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 09/08/2017 14:01

From an outsiders perspective, far better to put the brakes on now before this has turned from 'messy' into 'car crash'. From May to August is no time at all to have gotten over a 20 year relationship. Now is the time for a fling or two, or alternatively some time single, to get you back on your feet. Not the time to get into something heavy with a 'broken man'.

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