Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holiday dread - what can I do to get through it?

86 replies

Dustifyoumust · 06/08/2017 23:09

I'm going on holiday with my husband and kids next week and I'm absolutely dreading it. We booked it months ago and drained all of our savings to do it. Should be looking forward to it but I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. Me and my husband hate each other, we're just together for the kids. I thought that I'd be ok to manage a week away with him but now I'm really worried that too much time together, in a hot country with three kids annoying us is going to cause some serious rows. He's already started bitching at me about my attempts to plan what things we need to take for self catering and what we might do for activities while we are out there. How can I get through this without there being a major implosion on the beach? I've even started looking into whether we could split the week between us so that we don't have to be there at the same time.

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 06/08/2017 23:13

Kids club and use the time to talk and sort yourselves out?

Original poster
Dustifyoumust · 06/08/2017 23:22

It's a nice thought but my husband doesn't do 'talking'. He only does shouting and I'm not keen to do that in public. He's also failed to engage with any attempts to do counselling over the last three years either. I'm kind of at the stage where I think it's no longer down to me to talk about stuff with him.

OP posts:
TwatteryFlowers · 06/08/2017 23:52

Me and my husband hate each other, we're just together for the kids.

I'm sorry but this sounds like a terrible atmosphere in which to bring up children. After the holiday, I'd be having serious thoughts about splitting up and finding happiness rather than dreading whole chunks of time.

DeanKoontz · 07/08/2017 00:18

As someone who grew up with parents who clearly hated each other I would suggest you cancel this holiday and separate from each other as soon as possible.

I used to pray (literally) that my mum and dad would get divorced just to make the arguing stop. Holidays were the worst.

They're still together now at nearly 80. I left home as soon as I could and visiting them is tortuous.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2017 00:23

What is the point ?

If your life is now that you dread holidays, surely it's time to chuck in the towel ?

C0untDucku1a · 07/08/2017 00:25

You are both damaging the children. Please leave your husband.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 07/08/2017 00:26

Don't stay together " for the kids" trust me, it's far better to have two happy separate parents than two miserable but still together.

Alexandrite · 07/08/2017 00:27

I had the same experience as Dean. Sorry but you are doing your kids no favours staying together. It sounds like a hateful atmosphere and is not fair on them

Tatiannatomasina · 07/08/2017 00:35

Dont go. You stay home, send him off with the kids and sort out your divorce.

MonkeyPoozzled76 · 07/08/2017 00:56

DeanKoontz I think you may hAbe had my childhood. My parents are just the same and still at 40 yrs old it is excruciating to spend anytime in their house.

Please Dustifyoumust seriously consider ending the marriage, no matter how traumatic you think a divorce will be on your kids I can assure you that an entire childhood (and adulthood) witnessing this level of bile and bickering will leave unhealable scars on your kids for life. It's really, truly awful and has left long lasting but different emotional issues for me and my brother, not withstanding it must be utterly shit for you too. Flowers

NNight0wl · 07/08/2017 01:43

We're you on good terms with your Dh when you booked the holiday? Is this a case of not getting your priorities in order? You also have no savings. Can Dh look after children for a few hours while you go and do something relaxing of your choice and think about things. A holiday is a luxury that should be a pleasure not a chore. If you think that things will not improve in the future, you need to make plans to separate. Life is too short to be unhappy

Original poster
Dustifyoumust · 07/08/2017 07:24

My kids are actually oblivious to the fact that we live alongside each other rather than as a couple. We spend very little time parenting them together as my husband works shifts. So when I'm home, he's not and when he's home I'm not. We never row in front of the kids either. Splitting up is not practicable for us. We would both need to move away from where we live and I couldn't carry on in my job. We just don't love each other any more. We can manage living under one roof under normal circumstances but I'm really worried that going on holiday will make it like a pressure cooker. I'm really not sure why we did book the holiday in the first place to be honest. It's a very good question.

OP posts:
KJPxx · 07/08/2017 07:49

OP I completely empathise with you on this one. In fact you sound almost like you could be me.
I'm about to go on holiday with my children and their father and I'm leaving him on our return. The holiday is terrifying me. The thought of pretending to enjoy his company has got my stomach in knots. Not that he'll keep up the pretense mind. Another man who finds it's alright to talk shit to you on a beach full of others, in a street full of people. Yeah I get that.
9 years down the line, 8.5 years of pure bullying, unnecessary silences and hatred and I used the 'it's for the kids' 'it's not plausible for us if we split' - as nicely as I can say this - it's a load of crap.
Your children won't thank you for living like that. They'll see awkward silences as normality - believe me. It's taken Mumsnet 2 years to make me finally see that even without arguing or shouting, children are more deafened by their parents silence. If my kids come to me in years to come and tell me their normal day results in total silence and avoiding each other I'll never forgive myself.
Then, you saying you can't manage financially or because of employment issues - again as nicely as possible - rubbish.
We are in 21st century Britain and I decided to use all these excuses for again, 4/5 years. Within 24 hours I had sought all the advice I needed and was told actually, to leave him I could have all the support I needed. You are on a low income? You can get rent support and assistance from tax credits - and I won't be ashamed to accept the help.
You have came for advice but you don't like what you hear - again - meet your mate. I have ignored the advice because I wasn't ready to accept it. Until you stop making excuses and pretending your children don't notice you won't take the steps to leave it. I would rather have to start from scratch than remain in a loveless relationship with a bloke who mistreats me.
Please OP, read your post again, think what has driven you to this. Nothing will make that holiday more bearable, no amount of advice will make it an enjoyable experience. Other than drown him drink your weight in 2 for 1 cocktails avoid confrontation and try and keep yourself occupied with the kids to avoid his wrath.. Good luck OP it's not easy but I think you know what to do x

AnyFucker · 07/08/2017 07:50

The kids are oblivious

Nope.

ShotsFired · 07/08/2017 08:00

@Dustifyoumust My kids are actually oblivious to the fact that we live alongside each other rather than as a couple

No, they know.

Also Shock at "We booked it months ago and drained all of our savings to do it." Why on earth would you do that?!

MakeItRain · 07/08/2017 08:00

I agree that the kids won't be oblivious. My mum used to say that sort of thing years later - "you didn't even know". She has this weird belief that she'd managed to cover up the state of her marriage to me and my brother. I remember thinking, "didn't even know??? Good grief who are you kidding?"

Fwiw, as a child, living in that atmosphere is pretty horrible. As an adult I got myself into various difficult and unhappy relationships and never managed to have a successful or happy one. I'm single now and don't see that changing. (I prefer my own company!) I think it's no coincidence that my parents' role model relationship was such a bad one, and also that we were never allowed to either acknowledge or talk about it.

Original poster
Dustifyoumust · 07/08/2017 08:10

KJP good luck with your holiday and your post holiday too. Flowers

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 07/08/2017 08:14

Is it practical for you to sleep separately - one of you in with each DC? Then see this as your last holiday together and as soon as you are back make plans to separate. It is possible - you have to make it possible. Don't ruin 4 lives on an erroneous belief that due to finances it is better to be married and miserable.

Original poster
Dustifyoumust · 07/08/2017 08:15

I have no idea why we booked the holiday. I was having a terrible time at work when we did and the thought of escaping to somewhere hot was very appealing I guess. I just overlooked the fact that my husband and kids had to come with me. Desperate people do odd things.
So my question is still how do I get through a week away? What are my coping strategies? I could just bail out of going but I paid for this trip and my kids would think it was weird if I suddenly didn't go. What else can I do to make things less fraught?

OP posts:
KJPxx · 07/08/2017 08:34

I can only suggest tolerate it. Put up and shut up as I'm going to do then make your plan to leave on your return. Please OP don't stay where you're not in a loving environment for yourself and your dcs xx

Original poster
Dustifyoumust · 07/08/2017 09:05

I'm not thinking of leaving or selling up and separating any time soon. At the moment I'm just focussed on getting through the next week or so and trying to manage my fear of things spectacularly collapsing. Should I try and plan every day out so that there is no time for things to go awry? Or should we just plan to alternate looking after the kids while the other one does something by themselves? Things that cause the triggers are stuff like going to the supermarket or cooking a meal. The worst is eating out. That's the most stressful of all. I'd like to avoid that at all costs but I think we will be limited by our cooking facilities in the apartment so we will have to eat out at some point. Eat separately maybe? I don't know. I can just see me existing on a diet of Valium at this rate.

OP posts:
MumBod · 07/08/2017 09:11

It sounds bloody horrendous. Why would you put yourself through that?

Personally, I'd fake a bout of norovirus, send the kids off for a lovely holiday with their dad and spend the week remembering what life is like without an arsehole shouting at me, and getting my ducks in a row.

Wehavetogoback · 07/08/2017 09:17

How old are your children OP?

Could you alternative days with some excursions ? ..

I'm another one who grew up with parents that argued a lot my dad my was emotionally abusive ..One of my first memories is of my parents arguing you might not think they are effected but they are. It effects me still to this day

Good luck I hope you can make a lovely holiday for the kids

Coconutcoconut · 07/08/2017 09:24

Another one here who had the same growing up. I was so so happy when they divorced, I was 17 though and the damage was done, I ended up halving a child with an emotionally abusive man just like my father. What you are doing is damaging your kids trust me.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 07/08/2017 09:25

If you've decided you're going, can you talk to your husband enough to agree that neither of you will argue with each other?
Both of you agree on what the holiday will include and how you'll allocate your time. Alternate time alone, agree on any trips etc
Sort out as much of it as possible before you leave.
It sounds horrible. Good luck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread