Holiday dread - what can I do to get through it?

[Dustifyoumust]

I'm going on holiday with my husband and kids next week and I'm absolutely dreading it. We booked it months ago and drained all of our savings to do it. Should be looking forward to it but I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. Me and my husband hate each other, we're just together for the kids. I thought that I'd be ok to manage a week away with him but now I'm really worried that too much time together, in a hot country with three kids annoying us is going to cause some serious rows. He's already started bitching at me about my attempts to plan what things we need to take for self catering and what we might do for activities while we are out there. How can I get through this without there being a major implosion on the beach? I've even started looking into whether we could split the week between us so that we don't have to be there at the same time.

Very astute comments from @3luckystars ( It's really thought provoking that children had to live through years of this and are now adults, giving advice here on this thread ); and @KJPxx ( You came to seek advice from people who have been through exactly what you are putting your children through. )

How can it be damaging them when we don't argue in front of them?

Not RTFT but just wanted to pick up on this. My parents never rowed. Not ever.

The atmosphere was so horrendous, I wish they had rowed. Even now as a grown adult I still have massive conflict avoidance issues because of it (though obviously it would have been equally horrible for them to have been shouting at each other all the time).

Leaving my father was the best thing my mum ever did for her and us. Honestly - you would be so much happier.

I have said practical considerations are. If I leave my husband (which btw is not the purpose of this discussion more how do I cope with a family holiday) I could not afford to live where I currently do on one salary. This means moving away, which means giving up my current job. That is an awful lot of change to put everyone through just because we no longer love each other.

When my parents split up, we moved from a house and garden to a council estate flat with no garden. We had to change schools. My mum had to change jobs and work much longer hours.

This was all far, far preferable, to living with two people who didn't like each other. Honestly. My mum was SO much happier and so were we.

Children do pick up on the emotional energy that exists between between their parents and you are misguided if you believe otherwise. We are not commenting on the holiday strategies because this is just a symptom of the toxic, dysfunctional and emotionally damaging environment that your children are being raised in. The effects of this are insidious but they are real. A feeling that you are somehow not good enough, that your world is not the safe, secure and loving place that you feel it should be, a sense of not being the right type of person, not understanding why you have such feelings of sadness. Its bewildering. Children cannot articulate these feelings but they are real nonetheless. Your asking for advice on the holiday is akin to requesting where you place a plaster but ignoring the gaping wound underneath.

One of my family is in a similar marriage to you, OP. She thinks her DCs don't know but they do because they are showing signs of anxiety and insecurity. My family member still insists that she will never divorce because she would lose her home but the reality is that she could downsize or relocate.

The only advice I have about the holiday is if you do end up having a huge argument with your husband or get nasty comments etc try to imagine how much better your life could be if you stopped denying the truth.

I need to throw this out there OP. If your husband came home and told you he had an affair, or if he hit you.
Would you still stay?
Because your financial situation would be the same.

This thread is really playing on my mind. I feel so sad for the OP, for both the situation she is living in and the wider can of worms she opened when all she wanted at the start was some tips on how not to argue.

This is how my childhood experiences set me up to "deal" (hah!) with conflict (and l should also point out I got to my 40s without one serious relationship too):

• I find it very very difficult to let go of anger (I would routinely see grudges played out over days, if not weeks)
• I simply can't bring myself to cuddle and make up, I feel I have to suitably punish myself by withholding affection (parents rarely showed affection to each other)
• I make OH feel bad by being moody and unresponsive (my mum would do the silent treatment for days
• Disagreements easily escalate from minor to into a huge deal for me (I grew up seeing food being thrown in anger so I try and be the agressor to protect myself from being aggressed against)
• I can't disagree without immediately worrying that that is the relationship over (I have no memory of conflict being resolved with the parties being happy - no role model to show it can be ok in the end)

There's plenty more, but the point is, I had no idea this wasn't normal behaviour/experience until very very recently and it has made a very big rod for my own back. And my family were by no means the worst in the world either. Kind of "average unhappy marriage" so lord only knows how much worse many other people grew up with and have had to deal with as adults.

My sister has a husband like yours. She refuses to go out in public with him because she never knows when he will kick off. I now refuse to stay at her house because he had a tantrum/showdown in front of my 9 yo dd.

Shouting is emotional abuse. That you give as good as you get doesn't make it ok. That anger and hate in your relationship is very stressful and not good for you emotionally or physically. Resolve to stop shouting yourself...no matter what he is doing.

You are healthy? You earn your own money? Don't wait to separate, please. There may come a time when you (or he) is not healthy which would make it exponentially harder to leave. There may also come a time when you (or he) can not earn money which would also make it very hard to leave.
Would you want or trust him to be your carer if/when your health fails?

Cope with the week away by not engaging with him. Emotionally detach, as mentioned above, Completely. Stop caring what he thinks..."whatever". His anger isn't about you, it is all about him and his psychological needs. He won't change.

Make a Happy Bag for yourself (and for each dc). Favorite book, art supplies, simple craft activities, small toys, etc. I include my favorite tea and a bit of candy in mine (for trips to ils).

Please please please everyone stop filling in gaps in the information I've provided with things that I haven't said. I haven't said material things are more important than loving my children
Marinade said "You seem to place material things above the emotional well being of your children." I'm not sure why you've misquoted her.

I watched a French film about this sort of situation last night. After Love on sky cinema if anyone is interested. The French title was l'economie du couple- basically they were staying together purely for financial reasons.

It was painful to watch. They weren't fighting or shouting most of the time but the atmosphere was horrible. And their children were definitely aware and affected by it.
In the end it had a happy ending- the divorce settlement! It was a massive relief!

I agree that kids always know. Even when my parents were apparently getting on ok, it always seemed fake. I was just waiting for the next massive storm and it would come, very soon. Holidays were dreadful because they were at pains to be on good behaviour. Neither liked each other's company much and the whole time there was hissing and rolled eyes and sulking. They saved the arguments proper for at home, but please do not think children don't pick up on shitty relationship dynamics.