Holiday dread - what can I do to get through it?

[Dustifyoumust]

I'm going on holiday with my husband and kids next week and I'm absolutely dreading it. We booked it months ago and drained all of our savings to do it. Should be looking forward to it but I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. Me and my husband hate each other, we're just together for the kids. I thought that I'd be ok to manage a week away with him but now I'm really worried that too much time together, in a hot country with three kids annoying us is going to cause some serious rows. He's already started bitching at me about my attempts to plan what things we need to take for self catering and what we might do for activities while we are out there. How can I get through this without there being a major implosion on the beach? I've even started looking into whether we could split the week between us so that we don't have to be there at the same time.

Being practical about this week/ Can you split the time - you do 3 days each and then swap evenings?

Best use your time to plan your future

Could you take it in turns to do stuff with the kids, so one day he takes them out for the afternoon and the next day you do? That way you'd have space from each other and some time to yourself?

Your youngest is three ?

Jesus, I might have thought seeing out a GCSE year or summat was reasonable if you could keep it respectful

But how long do you actually envisage living this half life ????

I think planning out the week with a 'ships in the night' approach like we have at home might be best. We aren't sitting together on the plane anyway (that would have been another £80 to secure that) so that's fine. I think I have to accept that the first day there will be full of tears and tantrums from tired kids and him expecting me to have magically sorted all the food and activities out in advance. After that I think we will have to switch over who entertains and feeds the kids each day. Sorting that out in advance won't be easy though, but I guess I will just have to go through the shouting at home rather than when we get there.

And how long do I expect to live like this post holiday? Until we are no longer financially dependent on each other I guess. As I said before, I've no desire for romantic love, so there is no urge for me to tear up my family in the pursuit of it. Why do I hate him? Because he's a liar with a short temper. Why does he hate me? He picked the wrong woman to marry and missed his chance for love and happiness. We've both made mistakes but the kids shouldn't have to live in poverty because of it.

"A roof over your head, food on your table and encouragement to succeed is what my kids need. Not a rosy photo-finish of a loving mum and dad"

Is that what you got?. And where did that leave you?.

How very wrong you are. You stay within a loveless marriage for your own reasons (that have nothing to do with these children) as does your H and are teaching your children that a loveless marriage is their norm too

"And how long do I expect to live like this post holiday? Until we are no longer financially dependent on each other I guess"

You do not know yourself do you; you could be dependent on each other for the next two decades at least. Is that really what you want?
You are staying then for some lifestyle that you and he between you provide. Some mixed up priorities you have going on there.

They would rather see their mother and father apart than together in your own respective miseries as you are now. You are both making a mistake in actually staying together. This is a relationship based on an unhealthy codependency.

This holiday will be you running around after the kids all the time whilst he does nothing to help at all. Then he will yet again start shouting at you; you cannot hope to fully protect them from all this from him towards you.

Your mistake here is to keep on flogging the dead horse of this relationship for your own reasons.

Looking from the outside. You were having problems at work, so you booked a holiday with the person that you hate spending time with. On a positive note, after the holiday it may make you realise that you need to make changes to separate ASAP.

I have to agree with everyone else here. This marriage is dead and it would be best for your children if you ended it.
You are teaching your children that love is a cold, unkind, bitter affair.
That is wrong.
What children want is to see parents who love each other. Showing g displays of affection and by that I don't mean having full on sex In front of them, but showing genuine love.
Laughing and touching caring and showing that you value your oh and family above all else.
If you carry on like this your children will have no idea if they are being shown love when they meet someone or ignore it is abuse.
They might also rush to be with the first person who shows them any kind of affection at all, and that is very dangerous and spells disaster.

Lots of people I know are still friends with the person they Don't love and co parent well. This is not a relationship you are describing and you have done the worlds worst backpeddle when put under pressure on here.

It's offensive to say your children will live in poverty if you decide to call time on the sham you live in. No it will take some tough choices, adjustments etc but we have tax credits, housing benefit etc to support you. I don't live in poverty and I am supported. What are you actually giving your children? And what role models? Have fun..... geez.

OP, you dont need to be in pursuit of romantic love to end a bad destructive relationship. And the tearing up your family? You will still be a family, only a different one to now. You are the rock to your DC and always will be whether or not DH lives with you. You will share childcare and he will still be their dad.

The other single side is strewn with roses, trust me! The hard times are short-lived while you separate, a few emotional weeks at worst. I am on my own with DC and it is glorious. I too have no desire to seek another relationship.

And you say he is not abusive but your DH sounds a lot like mine. And according to the Women's Aid guide, his behaviour is emotional abuse. Read Lundy Bancroft's book Should I stay or should I Go? Its eye opening.

I can't understand your logic.
You are using your children as an excuse when you are actually damaging them in the long run.
You are also using finances as an excuse - how do you think your children will be in poverty if you leave? It's modern Britain. There is help out there. Your children aren't likely to be in poverty if you leave. However they are very likely to live in loveless marriages if you stay. And also saying - I'm not leaving in pursuit of romance because I don't want it - so you stay in a place where there is no love or communication because you don't want love - why do you need a man to make you feel good instead of being alone with your children?
You are dreading the holiday because your husband is very clearly emotional abusive and very immature by the sounds of it.
What a lovely holiday idea for your dcs, can't spend time as a family and have to be like passing ships because mam and dad can't bare each other. Yeah, and they don't know anythings wrong. I think you aren't giving children enough credit

I think you're going to have trouble hiding it from your children when you're on holiday.

You're doing them a disservice by staying together.

Christ, this is a depressing thread.

Living with a shouty, "short-tempered" dad and a very resentful mum will be having an awful effect on your kids. And that's putting rose-tinted glasses on the actual situation you've described.

Even if you aren't going to separate, please don't take them on a holiday where they will be exposed to the full impact of your relationship. It's not fair. They have no choice. But you, as an adult, do.

This is awful to read. You seem to place material things above the emotional well being of your children. If your relationship is so bad the atmosphere in your house must be awful and this muat be tangible to your kids, regardless of your assertions to the contrary. Please develop some insight and do the right thing for your children.

This thread does make me feel very sad for many reasons
But I hope OP you can perhaps see that it's something you need to think about. I know so many people that bury their heads in the sand.
people are trying to help you here, I know it might come across as tough love. But there is so much wonderful experience on here and people don't want others to struggle and live unhappy lives.
You sound like you've always got your "capable" hat on, but sometimes it's ok for everything to not be ok.

Please please please everyone stop filling in gaps in the information I've provided with things that I haven't said. I haven't said material things are more important than loving my children. I have said practical considerations are. If I leave my husband (which btw is not the purpose of this discussion more how do I cope with a family holiday) I could not afford to live where I currently do on one salary. This means moving away, which means giving up my current job. That is an awful lot of change to put everyone through just because we no longer love each other. Advice on my long term plans was not the reason I asked for support. My husband is not abusing me. We just don't like each other. I'm worried that that not liking each other will spill over into a showdown row on holiday and I want to avoid that for everyone's sake. Some posters have given me some practical tips on how to holiday alongside a spouse rather than with and I'm grateful for those things, thank you.

Then if just a case of not loving you and he is not all that bad he should have no issue in having the common goal of a good holiday?

I read a book a few years back and it was about dealing with strong willed children. It said that we all engage in a 'dance' a back and forth thing that we get familiar with. Then it's the same dance every time.

Like for example, asking a child to get dressed; Asking several times, then pleading then bribing then fighting then finally an explosion. It's the same thing over and over every time just a bit longer or shorter.

It advised to cut this 'dance' out completely by going straight to the finish. Give a clear signpost and do not dance.
Eating out, if he starts at you just say ' stop speaking to me like that or I will sit over at another table' and then do. Don't get drawn into any arguments. Take a big gulp of your drink and don't argue back, just tell him that you will move elsewhere if he continues.

I'm not saying he is a child or this is s good idea long term, I'm just advising this to keep the peace on holiday this week because it's an emergency situation.

I hope that when you remove yourself from the argument, you can see what is really happening and this holiday will be a real turning point for you and your family.

Best wishes.

I meant 'take a sip of your drink' as in fill your mouth with water so you can't argue back, not get drunk. I wouldn't drink alcohol at all on this holiday.

Good luck, I hope you will be ok x

Dusts I'm on holiday with my dd as a single parent. Leaving you husband isn't in pursuit of romance it's in pursuit of your own life and peace. A healthy environment in which to bring up your kids. If it's not an option for you then fine but wanted to point out that some us don't leave to see another relationship.

I think the only way to get through the holiday is to agree a plan for the week. Book things up in advance. If you can talk to him and just call out the fact that the holiday is about the kids having a good time then great. Perhaps you can agree to give each other some well earned rest and take turns a bit? Maybe find some places in the evening that have some kind of entertainment so the kids have fun and you don't have to talk? Take some books for when they are in bed.

I'm sorry it's so shit for you, I hope longer term you can change the financial dynamics, split and learn to co-parent amicably x

@Dustifyoumust we're not trying to be mean to you, we're just speaking with the voices of experience on all sides of this horrible situation you are in.

You are right, you didn't post for marital advice, but unfortunately what you did post was alarming enough for so many of us to independently say the same things to you.

You don't need to stay in an unhappy situation, you don't need to cope on just one salary, you don't need to put your kids through this - you have options.

I am seriously wondering if its better than you just send your husband and the kids away on holiday together, if only to give you time to draw breath and assess things more clearly.

I wish you well.

Another child of a marriage that continued 'for the sake of the kids'.

Absolutely terrible as it modeled what I thought a relationship should be. My parents are both good people, now best mates and like brother and sister. Back then though, things weren't right, no abuse or heavy arguments, just bubbling resentment and lack of team. I thought that was normal and it fucked up what I thought I was aiming for as a teen/young adult.

You're doing your kids no favour and yes, sometimes it is better to be worse off but better off mentally.

If you both know you don't love each other and you both know that you're not going to separate as things are
Then why can't you come up with a co-parenting plan.
Like flat mates? Then each of you take your children to do different things on the holiday whilst the other gets a break.
One day each
But you have to be on good terms and understand why your both in it.

My parents did not do this. They hated each other, my dad should have ended up with the woman he really loved. Seething resentment filled the house. Holidays were grim. Life was grim. I hardly see either of them now.

It's really thought provoking that children had to live through years of this and are now adults, giving advice here on this thread.

It's coming across that there are a lot more options open nowadays, to women especially.

Good luck on the holidays, I hope it's the last time you feel so upset. Mind yourself x

You came to seek advice from people who have been through exactly what you are putting your children through. Believe me I have put my own children through it. I still can't believe you say you'd have to leave where you live and work if you separated. I can't believe you couldn't find accommodation elsewhere within distance of your work but maybe I'm a bit cynical. I had 2 parents that didn't communicate. I had parents that thought they hid the fact they clearly didn't enjoy each other's company, and just like that I thought it was normal. Your husband is emotionally abusive. You can't see it when you are in it. Outside its visible. You can't raise an issue because he turns it on you and goes in a huff. Causing a row. No. That's not normal, that is an emotionally abusive man who hates to admit wrong doing and seemingly can't be mature enough to have a conversation. Been there done that. However what would you do in 15/20 years time when your child comes home and says they can't stand their spouse. Hates their company however will remain there for money!
There is no practical advice to give someone about a holiday that they shouldn't be going on. Wow this thread reminds me of myself just a few month back. I was like you too. Denied it was hurting my kids and made excuses.
You can't go on holiday and expect your kids to do separate activities because the parents aren't in love that's cruel and a very bad example to set.
Like I said. Just wing it. When things get tense, don't say anything to get his goat. Don't retaliate if he spits his dummy out and walk away if he decides to publicly humiliate you - in a row - in front of the children. Good luck OP