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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship and drinking

88 replies

debbs77 · 06/08/2017 22:11

Evening all!

I've recently started seeing someone and he is absolutely lovely. Genuinely ticks all my boxes.

My problem is that he drinks to excess a lot. Which in itself isn't MY problem, I don't have a say in how he spends his spare time. But my concern and frustration is that his parents died young (59 and 62). So he potentially could too and he is now 45.

Do I want to be with someone who has such little regard for their own health, possibly knowing they'll die young?

OP posts:

grobagsforever · 06/08/2017 23:16

You may have to be more specific about his levels of drinking to get proper advice

Original poster

debbs77 · 06/08/2017 23:22

Okay fair point!

We went to a wedding yesterday where he had around 8 or 9 large glasses of red wine before I left at 10.30pm (I had to get home and was driving). He left at 1am so likely had more.

Tonight he went to a friend and drank more.

Two nights before he got plastered at a friend's house on at least one bottle of red.

A couple of nights before that he played a football match and drank loads again. This is just in the last week!

Plus he drinks at least two glasses a night after work xx

OP posts:

grobagsforever · 07/08/2017 00:06

Have you discussed your worries with him?

Babymamamama · 07/08/2017 00:09

For me that would be a red light. Purely as I would worry about it escalating or him becoming reliant on it.

another20 · 07/08/2017 01:20

He is a problematic drinker.

Bin him before you are in too deep.

His level of drinking doesnt sit well with you and if you discuss it - he will just minimise or hide it.

Longer term physical health and mortality are the least of your worries with a problem drinker. More immediate worries are money, risk of loosing a job, emotional/MH issues, safety, social humiliation.

Why did hid other relationships end?

Where is parents big drinkers?

joepommedeterre · 07/08/2017 01:39

I'd discount weddings and Christmas! But the rest of it, if it's a habit he can't or won't break then you have a decision to make.

Does his behaviour change? The two glasses of wine, why is it two, and when? If one is at 5 and the other is a nightcap at 10:30 that's different again.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 08:41

This clearly worries you.
You've only just starting seeing him

End it and move on to someone else

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2017 08:53

"Do I want to be with someone who has such little regard for their own health, possibly knowing they'll die young?"

No.

You do not really know him well and what you are seeing re his drink problem is highly alarming. He is using all and any social occasions to get thoroughly hammered. His primary relationship is with alcohol, its not you.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

He is not relationship material at all and I would leave him now before you get even more over invested and hurt into the process.

Ginlovinglady · 07/08/2017 09:02

Um I hate to go against the grain here
But a couple of bottles of wine over the course of a day at a wedding doesn't seem mad

2 glasses of wine after work doesn't seem too bad
A bottle of wine with a friend doesn't seem mad.
The rest is vague...

BUT the point is, if you're not comfortable with it then that's up to you! Some people drink a lot with friends and like drinking. If you don't like it and it's a new relationship then I would suggest it's just not for you

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 09:07

Gin A couple of bottles over the course of a day at a wedding doesn't seem mad? Really? Assuming the church service was around 1 pm or 2 pm, then drinking is going to have started sometime between 2.30 and 3.30 at a guess. So he'd had 8 or 9 glasses between possibly 3.30 and 10.30. Then more between then and 1 am when he left. Sorry, I think that's a helluva lot.

Two glasses every day after work plus binge drinking after football and at least twice more with friends in the last week and you REALLY think that's OK, Gin? Your name is clearly not ironic...

CV893 · 07/08/2017 09:11

9 large glasses of wine is 3 bottles. That is a fair amount.

Only you can decide.

As someone with alcoholic parents, one who died at 60 and one whose health is ravaged at 66, I would definitely not pursue this. everyone is different though.

MrsQuim · 07/08/2017 09:12

That's too much. Fact. Plus, if he was coherent after 9 large glasses of wine shows a high tolerance level built up over a period of time. Bin him.

Fathersyros · 07/08/2017 09:18

Echo what Gin says entirely despite the holy indignation of Shatner.

People often drink a lot at weddings and sharing a bottle of wine with a mate and drinking after football - again doesn't seem that bad.

Point is if it affects his behaviour or if you're not comfortable with it then bin him. Also given OP's primary concern seems to be his health it would be useful to know if he is otherwise a healthy, active person or if he is also overweight/bingeing on crap.

Original poster

debbs77 · 07/08/2017 09:18

His behaviour didn't change at all. He was lovely, made sure I was okay, was perfectly normal. His brother though, he was an arse!

It's the health aspect for me. That I don't want to end up losing him in ten years. Or my children to lose him!

OP posts:

Ginlovinglady · 07/08/2017 09:21

No I don't think that's mad!

I don't drink everyday but I seriously don't think 2 bottles of wine over 7 hours is mad.

Each to their own!

Ollivander84 · 07/08/2017 09:22

I walked away from a relationship last year because of the same. I realised he never went a day without drinking, and he couldn't give it up even after we talked about it. Began to dread the sound of a bottle opening because it was like "again? Really?" And I left

CV893 · 07/08/2017 09:22

Well he would be fortunate to avoid health problems if he drinks every day and at those levels regularly.

I found with my parents that everything revolved around alcohol. Why choose a coffee shop over a pub for example?

It's up to you. Your life but don't be blinkered by love as many are. The best organ when it comes to matters of the heart is your brain!

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 09:22

I'm not sure to be honest, what you're describing is a man with an active social life where drinking is a large part of it, football, mates house, wedding. I wouldn't be overly concerned about that.

At home he drinks a couple of glasses of wine a night, plenty do.

I think though you're not compatible because you have issues with it, and for example I and most folks I know, wouldn't.

Ollivander84 · 07/08/2017 09:23

Should add I don't drink often at all which might alter my views. For me the two bottles over 7hrs isn't a problem as I could easily do that, it's the fact that my ex was drinking every single day without fail

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 09:24

Father I apologise for coming across that way, but in that one week regardless of the wedding he will have far, far exceeded the recommend levels of alcohol.

Gin It's at least 3 bottles in 7 hours.

I know some people who like a drink, but I don't know anyone who would down 3 bottles of wine in 7 hours, and at least 6 other bottles during the week.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2017 09:25

"That I don't want to end up losing him in ten years. Or my children to lose him!"

That makes me think you are over invested in him already. You still do not know each other well and yet you're writing the above - why?. You are concerned re his long term health but that should be more his concern overall rather than yours anyway.

His brother knows him far better as well and he described this individual as an arse. Probably not without good reason either which should also make you think more about why he said that re him.

What are your boundaries like in relationships OP; be honest with your own self here. Are they too low?. Would you want your DS or DD to date someone like this person you are currently seeing?. If a friend was telling you this what would your own counsel be here?.

Ginlovinglady · 07/08/2017 09:29

I do think the mumsnet world is sometimes ready to pull out the "he's an alcoholic"

the fact is, drinking is a part of his life, socially, weddings, football, friends. If that's not your bag then don't go out with him!

Ginlovinglady · 07/08/2017 09:33

Shatner
I doubt very much that the glasses were 250ml servings at a wedding

more likely at a wedding the glasses would be 175ml that's a standard large glass in any restaurant

Which is 2 bottles

But we are just splitting hairs.

anchor9 · 07/08/2017 09:47

believe me, he won't change and if you are uncomfortable with it this situation will not end well. with the benefit on hindsight I would have LTB the first, second or third times he showed me who he was..

tallfox · 07/08/2017 09:57

Attila his brother didn't say he was an arse. His brother was the arse.

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