Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

New relationship and drinking

88 replies

debbs77 · 06/08/2017 22:11

Evening all!

I've recently started seeing someone and he is absolutely lovely. Genuinely ticks all my boxes.

My problem is that he drinks to excess a lot. Which in itself isn't MY problem, I don't have a say in how he spends his spare time. But my concern and frustration is that his parents died young (59 and 62). So he potentially could too and he is now 45.

Do I want to be with someone who has such little regard for their own health, possibly knowing they'll die young?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2017 10:02

Sorry I misread that point re his brother.

However the underlying issue re this man you are seeing is the same; he is still drinking to excess and using any excuse i.e. social occasions to do so.

Think long and hard about whether you want to continue to see him at all.

Cantdenyit · 07/08/2017 10:11

Is that a typical week I suppose is the question?

springydaffs · 07/08/2017 10:24

He sounds like an alcoholic to me. What's the issue with the word? alcoholic = heavy reliance on alcohol. It doesn't mean smelly gutter paper bag drinker, or not usually.

Gin. Your justifications are hilarious.

A relationship with all alcoholic is a non starter. They're already in a relationship and it comes first by a country mile, they are devoted to it.

Ginlovinglady · 07/08/2017 10:31

I wasnt justifiying him in anyway actually, I was saying from the information that impo its not very clear aside from 2 glasses of wine of an evening a bottle of wine shared with a friend, drinks after footy, and a piss up at a wedding. It might be an exceptional week. It doesn't sound that bad to me.

I know alcoholics, they don't drink a couple of glasses of wine of an evening

But you know how it goes on mumsnet. It's always extreme views one way or the other

If he is an alcoholic then it will only get worse. but as I am not a trained professional I am not going to say he is after a few posts from a stranger on the internet

springydaffs · 07/08/2017 10:35

I know alcoholics, they don't drink a couple of glasses of wine of an evening

I know an alcoholic whose drinking never went beyond a couple of cans every night.

Perhaps you could have a look at what alcoholism is and isn't Gin. From what you're saying I think you'll be surprised.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 10:38

Thing is, Gin, there are different types of alcoholics. Functioning ones, and non-functioning ones to start with. Some drink a couple of glasses every single day but never binge but the idea of going a couple of days without those two glasses a day send them into a panic or extreme anger. Dependency doesn't necessarily have to be excessive.

Alcoholic? Maybe, maybe not.

Excessive? If we're going just on recommended levels, then yes, he has been excessive. Is it like this all the time (except the wedding)? Not 100% clear from the OP but I get the impression it is or she wouldn't be asking.

End of, it's worrying the OP. If it's a problem for her, then she is perfectly entitled to leave the relationship before it gets more serious.

Ollivander84 · 07/08/2017 10:38

If you can't go a night without drinking then there's a problem. It's not about the quantity

Original poster

debbs77 · 07/08/2017 11:55

I've ended it. For my own self preservation.

OP posts:

Summerswallow · 07/08/2017 12:01

Sorry to hear this, sounds difficult. I wouldn't want to be around someone drinking like this, family history of alcohol problems and I'm just not that oriented around it myself and don't want to be around someone who is- odd drink, fine, take it or leave it, fine, but constant heavy drinking all the time, in all situations would be too much for me.

Original poster

debbs77 · 07/08/2017 12:25

That's my thoughts too. With the added prospect of dying early antway due to genetics, I know I would want to be as healthy as possible if it was me!

OP posts:

MissBax · 07/08/2017 12:35

It would be a red light for me but my 'D'F was an alcoholic and so I have low tolerance for addiction. Only you can decide what is acceptable for you x

Fathersyros · 07/08/2017 13:12

Someone whose drinking goes no further than two cans a night is not an alcoholic no matter what they are told.

Alcoholism has to contain an element of excess (or negative effect on themselves or others) otherwise it becomes no more than a coffee drinker who says they hate going an afternoon without a coffee.

Original poster

debbs77 · 07/08/2017 13:28

He doesn't drink when he has work the next day.

He seems to realise he does have bad habits but isn't ready to change them

OP posts:

omeleto · 07/08/2017 13:38

Its really difficult. All I can say is my Aunt is married to a man who drinks too much and her life is miserable. Now they pretty much have seperate lives he stays up drinking all night and she lives normally during the day. He has multiple health issues but his drinking interferes with his treatment. It is vey sad they can't enjoy retirement together.

Original poster

debbs77 · 07/08/2017 13:53

I'm more upset at ending this than I did over my relationship ending with my ex, who is been with 4 years, we were engaged and had two children together!

OP posts:

Ollivander84 · 07/08/2017 14:11

Father - I get that BUT there's also the habit. If for whatever reason someone said please don't drink those two cans/cup of coffee and you couldn't physically go without it, then there's an addiction problem. My ex didn't necessarily drink in excess, depending what you count that as! He was a bottle of wine a night. But that was every single night and he couldn't not drink it even when I asked him not to

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 14:17

Father I'm afraid I don't agree with you and nor would some alcoholics I know. It isn't always about amount. It's about whether you can physically/mentally cope without. Alcoholism is about dependency and addiction, not specifically an element of excess.

Marryoneorbecomeone · 07/08/2017 14:24

I'm an alcoholic, in recovery. (I love saying that!) Alcohol is a problem when it's a problem. OP, his level of drinking is a problem to you, so that's that.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 14:25

Well done Marry

danTDM · 07/08/2017 14:33

Sorry, but I agree with Gin That is 2 bottles over the course of a wedding.
A bottle of wine with a friend? So what?
2 glasses a day after work. Modest!

All normal I'm afraid. I'm not an alchy.

Ollivander84 · 07/08/2017 14:34

But if you are drinking EVERY single day and can't not drink every day, then yes there is a problem

Marryoneorbecomeone · 07/08/2017 14:37

Thankyou, Shatnerswig.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 14:54

Dan I guess it depends what circles you mix in. I don't know anyone who drinks AT LEAST two glasses of wine EVERY week day after work.

The OP's now ex not only did that but had more to drink after football on Wednesday, got plastered again on Friday, followed by the wedding on Saturday, and more drinking again on Sunday.

Seriously, I know some people who like a drink, but they are a long way off that.

Anyway, OP has made her decision but yet again I am astonished at some MNetters attitude to alcohol consumption.

kennypppppppp · 07/08/2017 15:20

Friend of mine son tried to give up drinking recently. He got fits and ended up in the HDU . She was saying to me that a a doctor said to her that the liver controls the body, not the brain and it was a very interesting chat but anyway, if his drinking made you uneasy then that's not you being yourself. It's you in a constant state of uneasiness. I went out with a man who was alcohol dependent and it ended very badly. But his only important relationship is with alcohol and feelings for me were low down on the list.

You've done the right thing in ending it. Self preservation and all that jazz. Remember when Monica went out with fun Bobby in friends???!?!?!?! He was only fun when he was drinking. The man I was with was not particularly fun when he was drinking and was highly abusive when I said it upset me. So good luck with things and I'm empathising!!!

danTDM · 07/08/2017 15:25

yes, I am also shocked at some MN's attitude to drinking.
2 glasses of wine. Honestly

You are either an alcoholic or a Narc on mumsnet,, you must LTB despite having children ad having invested your life.

End of

OP do what you will, you obviously want people to say he is an alcoholic. I see no problem. If you do, and only you can say, leave him. Don't ask us.

Flip

1 2 3 4