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Original poster

New relationship and drinking

88 replies

debbs77 · 06/08/2017 22:11

Evening all!

I've recently started seeing someone and he is absolutely lovely. Genuinely ticks all my boxes.

My problem is that he drinks to excess a lot. Which in itself isn't MY problem, I don't have a say in how he spends his spare time. But my concern and frustration is that his parents died young (59 and 62). So he potentially could too and he is now 45.

Do I want to be with someone who has such little regard for their own health, possibly knowing they'll die young?

OP posts:
CV893 · 07/08/2017 15:27

Dan you are also choosing to overlook key bits. You are assuming that the 8/9 large glasses are not large glasses as Someone else alluded to. Also that the OP left at 10.30 and he left at 1am so it's fair to say on the balance of probability there was more alcohol consumed. Every other example of his drinking had the words "at least" before them which is therefore the minimum.

Over a week with the wedding included, that would indicate that he drank over 100 units which I'm sure any doctor would say is not normal and not good for you especially if parents died young. If that is a weekly event then it will catch up with you.

My dad drank 5 bottles of brandy a week. Few pints here and there and the odd wine. He would have said it was normal too, he didn't pour it on his cornflakes and in his eyes was therefore not dependant. It ultimately killed him because of this blase attitude. "It won't happen to me" My mum is just as bad. Her health is a mess but she carries on drinking 100 plus units a week.

danTDM · 07/08/2017 15:30

A lot of children of alcoholics on this thread. Possibly projecting. Hmm
He went to a wedding and a football match with a friend.
I think I know literally hundreds of people who drink 2 glasses of wine every night.

danTDM · 07/08/2017 15:31

This man does NOT drink 5 bottles of brandy plus does he Hmm

CV893 · 07/08/2017 15:36

Where did I say he did?

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 15:41

Dan As I said, you must move in different circles. I know no one who drinks at least two glasses of wine every single week night. I do know people who drink quite a lot on a weekend but even they couldn't cope with at least 8 or 9 large glasses of wine at a wedding. It's not normal to drink to excess/get plastered three times a week on top of at least two glasses of wine a night, it really isn't (that's taking the wedding out of the equation, you'll notice).

danTDM · 07/08/2017 15:58

Ok Shatners you are always on these threads and I don't want to argue with you.

I never go out as am living on my own with a DD and I certainly don't move in different circles. I don't move in any circles Grin
But I can easily have 2 glasses of wine a night.

Summerswallow · 07/08/2017 16:13

I didn't say I thought he was an alcoholic. I also have friends who drink like this as part of their normal lives, one has an alcohol problem, one knows when to rein it in and one is now older and is very overweight so has cut down his drinking a lot.

I wouldn't want to be around it because alcohol becomes the centre of everything, and if you then try to say things like let's have an early night or go to a cafe instead of a pub, it's just not their thing. As a couple, you need social compatibility. My husband drinks now, the odd glass of wine with a meal, a beer on the weekend, but not persistent ongoing high levels of drinking. I grew up around that and I wouldn't want to be around it again, I don't even like it when my lovely friends do it as they become less fun, less coherent and so on when they go onto their third bottle of wine. They aren't alcoholics, it's just not my lifestyle.

As for the health effects of sustained quite high levels of drinking, I'm not going to detail them here, but there's lots! Not at the alcoholic level either. It wouldn't put me off someone completely if I liked them but it's a bit like taking up with someone whose a smoker or a heavily overweight person- it's a risk factor as we head into middle age. Sometimes love is worth it, other times not, but you can't just deny it's a factor.

Ollivander84 · 07/08/2017 16:39

Not a child of an alcoholic - I just happen to barely drink, possibly because I grew up in pubs. But if your partner says "please can you not drink tonight because X/Y/Z" and you physically can't not drink, then yes you have a problem!

2 large glasses of wine every night is 14 glasses or just under 5 bottles a week. So 260 bottles a year. Over the recommended limits and a shit load of alcohol
I'm not perfect, I binge drink on nights out maybe twice a year

Cantdenyit · 07/08/2017 16:47

I know a lot of people with a very social lifestyle who drink a lot when they go out and will have wine at home most evenings too. It's hard to say if it's a worrying amount or not as we don't know how typical this week was or how big the units are etc. But if you are uncomfortable about it that's what matters.

I would say if you are worrying about non-existent children and his premature death when you have only just met, then he is probably not the man for you so you have done the right thing in ending it.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 16:48

I think I've probably commented on 3 threads about excessive drinking in my 5 years on MN dan" but that's cool

danTDM · 07/08/2017 17:16

Sorry Shatners, you probably stick out to me as I used to live in Montreal! Shatner was all Grin
I don't mean you have an obsession or anything.

I've been here a long, long time! Must have read all 3 threads!

I still say 2 glasses of wine is not much and surely the wedding and football match were one offs?

danTDM · 07/08/2017 17:18

But if the OP is uncomfortable, she is uncomfortable. End of.
I wouldn't live with an overweight person or someone who smoked for example.

pegitout · 07/08/2017 20:15

I think that drinking sounds completely fine, especially as it didn't change his behaviour. I would at least match that in those circumstances and I don't think I am out of bounds socially!It's all personal though.

crazykitten20 · 07/08/2017 20:17

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Perfectly put.

Over investing = potential problems

crazykitten20 · 07/08/2017 20:19

@pegitout

The fact that it DIDNT change his behaviour is the warning for me. He is inured. 😢

pegitout · 07/08/2017 20:22

Is he a really big bloke?

danTDM · 07/08/2017 21:33

crikey the man likes a drink.
Some people eat chocolate, takeaways.
Each to their own Gin

EarlGreyT · 07/08/2017 21:46

He's a functioning alcoholic isn't he?

I'd agree that the 2 (not so sure about 3) bottles of wine over the course of a wedding possibly wouldn't be a problem if that was an isolated event, but it isn't. He went out and got plastered the day before this and went drinking again the day afterwards. Most people who don't have an alcohol problem would feel rough the day after drinking loads and wouldn't drink the next day and certainly wouldn't get plastered.

I also suspect the example the OP has given us is just that, an example of his excess over the last week. Given in the OP she says he drinks to excess a lot, I presume she's just giving us the recent example rather than last week being the only time he has drunk to excess.

Original poster
debbs77 · 07/08/2017 23:31

To the person that said I want you all to say he is an alcoholic, no I'm Not!

But I'm out of touch with what is normal or not as I'm a single mum of six and I never get to go out! And I would be drunk after 3 glasses!

Plus at the end of the month he is scraping by, yet spends so much on alcohol during the month. He said it's due to boredom on his days off but surely just get a bloody hobby!

And I wasn't referring to non-existent children but MY children that I have.

OP posts:
user1482443190 · 07/08/2017 23:43

He's supposed to be on his best behaviour during the first few months. Just NO, NO, NO, NO!! (and NO some more!) Leave him. My DDs dad was like this for 13 years and it destroyed me. Run away, fast x

Original poster
debbs77 · 08/08/2017 00:09

Thank you! I needed to hear that as I'm struggling!

OP posts:
another20 · 08/08/2017 00:17

Just think of your children.

They really do not need you to bring this shit to their lives. And as I said up thread - longer term physical health and mortality are the least of your worries with a problem drinker. More immediate worries are money, risk of loosing a job, emotional/MH issues, safety, social humiliation.

This will suck all your time, energy, emotion and dignity - save and prioritise this for your children - they need you.

Why did hid other relationships end?

springydaffs · 08/08/2017 00:46

I have just been talking to a close friend who was in a relationship with an alcoholic. They were very much in love and would have married but for his alcoholism. He was a truly lovely man - but for his alcoholism (active). She is still traumatised by the loss of him and she said tonight "alcoholism destroys everything it touches, it sucks anything good into a black hole". She left him even tho she loved him. It was a hard thing to do but she knew enough that she would be sucked dry if she stayed. By the time she left him she was in so much pain she thought she would die and, in effect, left to save her life. Her story is far from unusual.

Dan, you're sounding like you rather protest too much. It's usual on forums to post an opinion and leave it there but you are repeatedly posting the same opinion.

Skittlesandbeer · 08/08/2017 02:39

Keep in mind it's not likely to be a sudden death in 10 years (or whenever). It can be a long, draw out horrible end with you caring for him and putting your life (and kids) on hold.

I don't think you're silly or overinvested to look ahead and be a bit strategic as you are.

I'd probably be quite honest and say to him 'I'm a bit worried about the quantities you're putting away, darling. Will you put my fears to rest by having a full physical? I want to know you'll still be the life of the party in a decade, not having to stay home and down pills instead of pints.'

Then make sure he gets all the blood work and family history questionnaire type of physical. Let them tell him what size target he's putting on his own forehead. And how fun cancer is.

Original poster
debbs77 · 08/08/2017 07:54

Well apparently he had an operation in the last two years as his heart would beat too fast! I asked if drinking makes it happen again and he said no, not since the operation but it used to. I mean, seriously!!!!!

I've had two relationships in my life, long term, with children from each. If there is one thing they've both taught me it's that I won't put up with crap!

OP posts:
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