Help! Walking on eggshells with angry husband!

[NonnyBunny]

I’m in need of some relationship advice. While my relationship with my husband is generally good, there have been several periods over the past two years, usually lasting a couple of months, where everything I do will be wrong, and the smallest thing will result in a criticism, or outburst of irritation of anger. Things that have annoyed him in these phases in the past include the bread getting squashed by heavier shopping, leaving a light on when I’m not in the room, not feeding the dog at the right time, moving something of his, or today, going to meet friends and not having told him I was going. These are things that wouldn’t usually bother him in the slightest, but in these ‘bad’ periods, I can’t do anything right. It sends me into a state of anxiety where I end up desperately trying to not give him cause to be annoyed, but despite my best efforts he’ll find a reason to be annoyed. It’s like being on eggshells the whole time and has led me to feel extremely low and doubting every aspect of myself.

Usually he eventually stops and things return to normal. I think it's triggered by him feeling stressed about something so when the stress passes he stops. But now he's started a new phase of this. We’re only about 3 days in and I already can’t take it any more. I have 2 kids under 2 and am about to go back to work full time. I need his support, not this behaviour.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I overreacting or does this behaviour seem unfair? And any ideas on resolving it? I hate confrontation, especially as he can be quite aggressive - the thought makes me very anxious - but I know i can't carry on like this, especially if it keeps happening. Sorry for the long post.

I get this a bit from my DH, so I will say you're not over reacting, it makes me anxious too and it is horrible.
I do find talking to him helps a lot, and highlighting the statistics (he's very logical my DH not very emotional).
So if I say 'you've had a go at me 5 times about something today, and not kissed me/hugged me/said you loved me once'. He does take notice and make more effort/moan less.
I tell him love is a verb and if all I ever hear from him is negative stuff I will just fall out of love with him.
He also says he raises these things, like leaving a light on, because if he didn't resentment would grow and he'd rather just say what's bothering him, which I do understand. But sometimes he's too bloody picky.
What does your DH do for a living? My DH is in an industry where everything has to be just so and they're notoriously hard to live with apparently.

What are his reasons for being stressed?

Several periods of a couple of months over 2 years sounds like the abusive periods are outweighing the non-abusive periods.

What is the reason for these spells?

Do you want to continue to pander to him?

Stop walking on eggshells.
Live your life and if he gets aggressive or annoyed or shouty, just look him in the eye say nothing and when he finally finished: "you are being completely ridiculous. Grow up and learn how to talk to me like an adult ffs" and leave the room. Never apologise. Never change your ways. HE is the one with the problem and YOU can't sort it for him.

Do not engage with this garbage behaviour. He is skirting on the edge of abuse and it sounds like you are already suffering under the strain of it.

If he continues to kick off, or it escalates because you won't appease him, I'm sorry for you but ltb. You have children. You can't expose him to this absolute fucking nonsense. They will grow up fearful and self loathing.

Cycle of abuse isn't it? So you walking on eggshells and living in a permanent state of red alert is affecting your mental health and you live with a perpetual feeling of anxiety and low self worth?

Him being aggressive - what does this mean. Has he physically hurt you, pushed, shoved, threatened? You do know that emotional abuse is now illegal. You don't need to be thumped to be an abused wife?

Having been in a similar situation to this in the past I can relate. It does sound like a cycle of emotional abuse and if left un addressed does have potential to escalate. I say this as my own situation did just that. Of course you feel anxious, you are a human being who is just going about their daily business like any other. Please remember... he has the issue, NOT you. How have you addressed this, if at all to date? Have you tried speaking with him about it at a time when you and he are clear of the children and in a neutral setting?

Please read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans as you may find it illuminating.

What is your husband family background like?
It's important that you define boundaries as his behaviour is not acceptable.
Start by stating that he is being critical and you find it unacceptable or assert yourself and ask him to speak to you politely.
If he has no intention if being abusive he will check himself and apologise.
Sadly if he is abusive he will ramp up the criticism and blame you.

Start writing a journal of how and when he is critical.Seeing it written down helps you to know it's not you.

It's not 'normal' to get angry over the issues but all of us that gave abusive relationships know how you are feeling.

It doesn't surprise me that it started when your children were born as abusive men seems to start their behaviour when they feel more secure due to their partner having less power.

Please get support and tell family.

Thanks, @mogulfield its good to know I'm not alone, and thanks for the suggestions. I would say that when he's not in the 'bad' phases he's generally quite quick to say if something annoys him, and for similar reasons to your DH. But it seems to be at least for slightly more reasonable reasons. Whereas at the moment it feels like it's picking a fight for the sake of it. He's a professional musician - and he is quite a perfectionist about things like your DH.

@loveyoutothemoon I think this time it is money worries. He's self employed and has a sparse period coming up. Last time I was pregnant with DD and he admitted he was anxious about the strain of two babies. The time before that I'd just gone back to work after DS and he was looking after him 3 days - I suspect it was a huge shock to the system as he hadn't been especially hands on before that

@ElizabethShaw I had sort of kept a log so I didn't feel I was going mad / imagining things. The first period I wrote about was April-May 2016, next was August-September 2016, then November 2016 tho that was shorter, and this is the latest. I did confront him last time (over email - I realise how pathetic this sounds but I am v anxious about direct confrontation in general, and especially with him) and he never responded but changed his behaviour almost overnight and was fine again until a few days ago.

@mummytime I think they are triggered by worries about money and responsibility, and about his work (quiet periods as he's self employed and is sometimes busy and sometimes has almost nothing). I have a regular salary and earn enough to support us both when needed so it's not a financial crisis really, but still not nice for him. He works very hard and tries to build up more work but some times of year are just poor in his line of work. He's admitted a couple of times what the problem is when things have come to a head, but not yet this time. But we've not yet had a sensible conversation about it.

Ugh I remember living like this and every time I read a thread about it (because the cycle of abuse is always the same) it makes me so happy that that isn't my life any more. OP, nothing will change. So are you happy to live out the rest of your days like this, or do you think you deserve a better life?

@thestamp I know you are right, I feel utterly pathetic for pandering to it as @mummytime says, and for apologising. I guess I just try to keep the peace because I'm so bad at dealing with conflict, but I'm probably making things worse. A couple of weeks ago he actually described me as a 'well behaved wife' and I was appalled - he says he was just joking but I think it's true - he knows how reluctant I am to say anything so I'm letting him get away with it. I agree re the kids - I don't want them growing up thinking this is ok - or for them to become submissive like I have. But I do love him and want things to work out - I think I need to change how i behave totally if we have any chance but I feel like it requires a personality transplant on my side

@HeavenlyEyes yes that first bit sounds right tho it's not all the time. We had a really good few months until the past few days. He can be very loving, affectionate and supportive.

no, nothing like that re aggression - just quite angry I guess? That might be a better way to describe it - he can have an aggressive tone in arguments and even if I have valid points I fall apart and end up not getting my point across. I always end up emailing or texting which I know sounds a bit pathetic but at least I can say how I feel and have time to think about it calmly

@Chloe421 thank you - I will try to remember that! I think I get to thinking that if I could just annoy him less...then I get into self blame. I've mainly texted / emailed in the past when I couldn't take it any more but only after putting up with it for a month or more. Once he had a go at me about lack of sex and I says i didn't want to have sex with him when he was being so horrible. That started the conversation and did lead to an improvement (until the next time). At times he's apologised and said that he is stressed and realises he has a tendency to take it out on those closest to him and that he'd try not to...which works for a while.

@Hermonie2016 thank you, I'll check that out! His family are lovely, I love his parents and siblings. His sister tells me it was quite 'shouty' when they were growing up.

I do have a diary of his behaviour - I think he's go nuts if he knew about this. But it does help see there's a pattern to it, kind of, and that the reasons for his anger aren't reasonable.

I will try harder to assert myself. I do feel that I've made a big of progress as usually I let it go on for ages before I snap and say something. This time it's only been a couple of days. Also previously I've been overly diplomatic ie 'you seem unhappy what's going on here?'

Whereas this time I shouted at him to get his act together this morning after he had a go at me for going to meet friends without telling him, then sent a text saying this was psychological torture he was making my life a misery. He hasn't replied (he said he couldn't deal with while working which is fair enough) and gets back from work in early hours so I won't see him until morning. I feel very anxious about how he might react to me standing up for myself - I'm hoping it'll shock him into a think about his behaviour but I'm expecting the silent treatment.

@lookatyourwatchnow because we have good times too I don't want to believe that this is how it'll always be unless I leave - I just hope he'll listen to reason and change. I can see this may be me being in total denial though

Op: I've been where you are. For about 18 years there was the odd episode but generally we were ok and we were happy. Our circumstances changed, his self worth dropped and the cycle became almost permanent. Coupled with alcohol, it was miserable. I've beem shouted at for the bread thing, I bet you always check now to see if it's squashed just in case. Not because you care if it's a bit squashed other not cos it seems ONLY bread, but you worry about the reaction. It's a horrible way to live, it sucks the joy out of everything eventually. I had to leave because my mental health was starting to suffer and I was miserable.
Keep noting stuff down, and make it clear you won't tolerate being shouted at or the anger. If he doesn't don't waste years s like I did. Leave.

I'm much happier now even though the last six months have been hell. Leaving an angry man isn't easy.

He's minimizing by the way. They do it even when it plain obvious their behavior isn't right. Ex told me in not so many words he would kill himself last night. Then said this isn't me trying to guilt you it's never saying i can't be without you.

Anyone could see ad plain as day he's trying to manipulate me, he can't or wont see it. See my point?

And I know you love him, I did/do my ex still, even though he put his hands round my throats once. And that as me overreacting.

Excuse everyone the typos and nonsense I'm on my phone!

Not the main issue, but if his work and self employment isn't reliably paid enough and/or he can't handle the uncertainty he should consider a change.

I feel very anxious about how he might react to me standing up for myself

This is not healthy and sadly you have a toxic relationship.I know how you feel, it became normal for me to email as normal communication went out the window. Mostly I had no response or the silent treatment.It took my sister to tell me how unhealthy my marriage had become.

I am so glad you are financially independent as I believe his treatment towards you would be worse.

Once you understand it's his belief system that allows him to get angry with you it helps to understand why it's tricky to resolve.If it was an anger situation it is more manageable but it's his belief that he is entitled to vent his frustrations at you.

Does he behave badly infront of others?

Thank you @pudding21 I'm glad you got out and are happier.

Alcohol has been an issue at times with him too and it does make him worse. I think it explains why he was angry about me not telling him things - I do tell him but if he's been drinking (and often I can't tell) he doesn't remember.

The bit about the squashed bread - yes I do always check! That made me cry when I read it because I realise how ridiculous it seems.

abusers do not shout and scream all the time - they are nice sometimes too. The only acceptable level of this behaviour is zero. Or do you think you will put up with 20% abuse in the hope that the nice bit will soon return?