Help! Walking on eggshells with angry husband!

[NonnyBunny]

I’m in need of some relationship advice. While my relationship with my husband is generally good, there have been several periods over the past two years, usually lasting a couple of months, where everything I do will be wrong, and the smallest thing will result in a criticism, or outburst of irritation of anger. Things that have annoyed him in these phases in the past include the bread getting squashed by heavier shopping, leaving a light on when I’m not in the room, not feeding the dog at the right time, moving something of his, or today, going to meet friends and not having told him I was going. These are things that wouldn’t usually bother him in the slightest, but in these ‘bad’ periods, I can’t do anything right. It sends me into a state of anxiety where I end up desperately trying to not give him cause to be annoyed, but despite my best efforts he’ll find a reason to be annoyed. It’s like being on eggshells the whole time and has led me to feel extremely low and doubting every aspect of myself.

Usually he eventually stops and things return to normal. I think it's triggered by him feeling stressed about something so when the stress passes he stops. But now he's started a new phase of this. We’re only about 3 days in and I already can’t take it any more. I have 2 kids under 2 and am about to go back to work full time. I need his support, not this behaviour.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I overreacting or does this behaviour seem unfair? And any ideas on resolving it? I hate confrontation, especially as he can be quite aggressive - the thought makes me very anxious - but I know i can't carry on like this, especially if it keeps happening. Sorry for the long post.

Well done for having the chat. See how it goes but your eyes have opened up now to how he treats you. I can tell from your posts how you feel his needs trump yours. I was like that. Still feel a bit like that. I hope he takes it all on board and makes real changes.

I got to the point I felt everyone was judging me and I am always worried about if I said or did the right thing. Fact was it I sent only him I ever had an issue witH. No one else has ever treated me like that and never will again. Yes relationships have issues yes people get wound up with each other. This isn't that. He's conditioning you. I hope I'm wrong but keep your diary. I could almost time the outbursts. Always worse when I'd been doing something that didn't involve him.

Good luck op

No one should ever have to walk on eggshells around someone else. Ever.

Nonny

He does this also because he can.

I do not think your chat went at all well. Like many abusers he has thrown this back at you again; i.e. making this your responsibility also when it is clearly not. He is solely responsible for his actions here.
He has again abdicated responsibility for his actions by making this partly your fault or stating that you provoked him. This is all the mindset of an abusive person and he will not change. He will again ramp up the power and control against you (and in turn your children as well because they will see how you as their mother is being treated by their dad).

I think any changes he makes will be short term ones then he will revert to type. These behaviours of his are deeply ingrained and will not go even with therapy (and he probably needs years of it). He after all grew up in a "shouty" household.

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. This will also have a deleterious effect on your children because you two are the blueprint for their future relationships. Think carefully on what they are currently learning here from the two of you.

Your wish to start afresh tomorrow re him a triumph of hope over experience. I also think you are and have been thoroughly conditioned by him over the years to accept all this from him and abuse like this is truly insidious in its onset. The cycle of abuse is also a continuous one; the nice and nasty behaviours are continuous with him.

I would seriously consider having a chat with Womens Aid and get their take on your relationship.

Stop walking on eggshells.
Live your life and if he gets aggressive or annoyed or shouty, just look him in the eye say nothing and when he finally finished: "you are being completely ridiculous. Grow up and learn how to talk to me like an adult ffs" and leave the room. Never apologise. Never change your ways. HE is the one with the problem and YOU can't sort it for him

100% agree with what thestamp said ^

None of this is he stressed/tired/depressed etc none of it gives him the right to be an abusive sergeant major who is so harsh as to cause anxiety in his lifepartner. Does he complain if you leave the milk out of the fridge by mistake?!

I bet he isn't like this to you in front of others. I also bet he doesn't behave like this to others - only you. You are his whipping boy in life, so to speak, and he gets away with it because you are there putting up with it. His behaviour is disgraceful and its not balanced by having calm periods in between by the way - its disgraceful

So if you're going to remain with him then find ways to handle him. Good luck with that tho - this man doesn't like or respect you and either you will end up fleeing as he's made you a nervous wreck, or your nervous wreck self will stay with him and in the end he will simply leave you. Toxic relationships do not work out

All this for the sake of 1 man in this one life..

I love how him going out to get pissed with a mate and leaving you home with the kids is him doing you a favour.

He's a bit of a gas lighter isn't he ?

@MiniMum97 thanks, it's interesting to get a different perspective, maybe how he is seeing it. And I agree re working on delivery / stress.

However I would argue (a) I don't do these things 20 times a day but when I do, rarely, during bad spells he leaps on them. It's not like I've done it 10 times already and he gets annoyed- more like I do one thing wrong and he does.

In answer to your questions

Why would you not tell him you were going to meet friends? It's not hard to communicate?

I do! We had a whole conversation about it which he claims not to remember and I texted him to remind him night before which he claimed not to get- even though it says delivered on my phone.

Why on earth would you put bread at he bottom of a bag of heavy shopping!!!

I think I just accidentally picked up a squashed one - and he was furious. Does anyone really care, it's just bread?!

And why move his stuff? Did he get annoyed because he then couldn't find it when he needed it?

Yes that's exactly it - except it was sudocrem I got for nappies, we have several. I just saw in the bathroom and took it when daughter had nappy rash. I had no idea he was using it for his skin, not being a mind reader! Actually I do move his stuff sometimes too because nothing ever gets out away and if I didn't the house would be a total tip.

Also note that there are a million trivial little things that annoy me - unmade bed, using bedroom floor as wardrobe, leaving things next to dishwasher not putting in, making a sandwich daily and leaving everything for me to put away, etc... list goes on but if I raised every time and criticised constantly life would be miserable! We both have dif annoying habits so why not live and let live - if something bothers him, fix it himself. The same goes if something bothers me

@MistressDeeCee re milk, yes he does sometimes I'm sorry to say (even tho he often leaves things out of fridge himself...)

Ok fair enough. Definitely sounds like he is being unreasonable here. You mentioned he is stressed and you also mention above whole conversations he has forgotten? Is his stress getting more than that? Could this be more like anxiety/depression?

I don't agree with you not ever mentioning anything that gets on each other's nerves. He's not a teenager and should be able to put his stuff in the dishwasher and not next to it. Why should you clean up after him, you are but his skivvy!

I think it is ok to say these things and agree going forward how these things will be done in the house. Give each other a chance to raise annoying things and then make a "rule" going forward that you both agree on. Minimises the annoyance and means neither of you need to "nag"

Having said this I am not sure his things are reasonable from what you've said above so sounds more like stress getting on top of him. But he needs to do something about that and not take it out on you.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat

(this is Nonny with name change, I got paranoid as it's a nickname people know me by - bit late now re rest of thread I realise...)

I take on board what you say. I understand why you might think I'm mad to be hopeful but I have to try as I love him. I will come back to this thread and all the advice given for strength and encouragement as I try to make things work going forward, and to take different steps if things don't improve

Thanks @pudding21 for all the advice and support 😊

Thanks @MiniMum97 yes my mum thinks it's anxiety related possibly, he is a perfectionist and puts so much pressure on himself.

Perhaps there is also an element where I need to be less sensitive about him 'telling me off' when something annoys him, but if he wants us to go down they route I need to be able to tell him re things he does as well. I don't I guess in part because I hate conflict of any kind which is my issue - If I'm honest I do get annoyed about some of those household things but i don't tell him and just feel irritated inside- but he can't fix either if I don't say

Don't do therapy with him - go alone and explore issues and your thoughts

Don't minimise his unkindness

Don't excuse his behaviour by even thinking he is stressed and anxious. That is NOT an excuse for poor behaviour. There are people that suffer these issues who do not in any way behave like this.. they remain decent human beings because thats who they were in the 1st place

Things that have annoyed him in these phases in the past include the bread getting squashed by heavier shopping, leaving a light on when I’m not in the room, not feeding the dog at the right time, moving something of his, or today, going to meet friends and not having told him I was going

Christ almighty..what a life

They're not "phases" they are his character - bullying and unkind and you will sink trying to change him. I do wish you luck trying its just sad you can say you love someoe who behaves like that

crazy I think it's quite normal for couples to pick up on things 'you left that out, you didn't make the bed... ' I think it's nice to have a nice house and certain things annoy one person more than another. I think the difference here is his reaction to you, specifically the anger. Anger is a difficult emotion to suddenly eradicate.

I can totally relate to your latest posts tho, I am very sensitive to being told things are wrong in the house and see it as being 'told off'. I am an anxious person as well.
I just wanted you to know you're not alone in that respect!