Help! Walking on eggshells with angry husband!

[NonnyBunny]

I’m in need of some relationship advice. While my relationship with my husband is generally good, there have been several periods over the past two years, usually lasting a couple of months, where everything I do will be wrong, and the smallest thing will result in a criticism, or outburst of irritation of anger. Things that have annoyed him in these phases in the past include the bread getting squashed by heavier shopping, leaving a light on when I’m not in the room, not feeding the dog at the right time, moving something of his, or today, going to meet friends and not having told him I was going. These are things that wouldn’t usually bother him in the slightest, but in these ‘bad’ periods, I can’t do anything right. It sends me into a state of anxiety where I end up desperately trying to not give him cause to be annoyed, but despite my best efforts he’ll find a reason to be annoyed. It’s like being on eggshells the whole time and has led me to feel extremely low and doubting every aspect of myself.

Usually he eventually stops and things return to normal. I think it's triggered by him feeling stressed about something so when the stress passes he stops. But now he's started a new phase of this. We’re only about 3 days in and I already can’t take it any more. I have 2 kids under 2 and am about to go back to work full time. I need his support, not this behaviour.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I overreacting or does this behaviour seem unfair? And any ideas on resolving it? I hate confrontation, especially as he can be quite aggressive - the thought makes me very anxious - but I know i can't carry on like this, especially if it keeps happening. Sorry for the long post.

What would you do if someone was bullying and abusing your children? Whatever that is , do it for you.

@Hermonie2016 yes that rings true re his beliefs.

I know it's really bad that I'm scared to stand up to him. I keep thinking it's just me being a bit weak though.

Yes I'm fine financially, fortunately - I'm the breadwinner as his income is precarious

No he's never said anything bad to me in front of others that I can recall

The fact that he can control himself infront of others suggests it isn't an anger issue that is out of his control.

My ex was utterly charming infront of others but over years started to let the mask slip and that's when I realised the bad times had outweighed the good times.

It's so sad as we could have had a good life as so many things were right but his default position when stressed or anxious was to to vent at me..the whipping boy.
It's not rational as I spent years trying to figure it out.He also had counselling but since he wasn't prepared to look at himself honestly it never went anywhere.

Your h will have to acknowledge he has no right to treat you like this.It has to be unacceptable to you.
Practice a phrase that you can use to ensure he knows you will not tolerate his abuse.
If he sulks or gives you the silent treatment tell him he is boring you so you will leave the house..follow through.

However you can only do this for a limited period of time as its emotionally draining to have to battle your partner to speak to you civily.It changes you as a person as you become less confident.

Nonny

He is not going to behave any better when you go back to work either; he will continue to exert his power and control over you and further abuse you and in turn your children because they are seeing all this at home too. He is not a good dad to them if he treats you like this.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. He crossed that line and ultimately you will need to leave him. He will not change and what you have described throughout all your posts is the cycle of abuse. Abusers are not nasty all the time and sometimes they can appear quite nice but its an act they cannot maintain. This is who he is and changing your own behaviours or self to try and fit in with him is futile and not going to you any favours at all. He will keep moving the goalposts. The cycle of abuse is also a continuous one.

Re your comment:-
His sister tells me it was quite 'shouty' when they were growing up.

That says and suggests an awful lot; after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and that is what his family of origin taught him amongst other things. This is what he has brought over from their relationship to his relationship with you now.

Silent treatment is not about silence at all; its another form of emotional abuse and a way of further controlling or manipulating you.
The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four typesoverlap, sometimes not) that is a favourite tactic of narcissists, and especially thosewho have a hard time with impulse control, that is, those with more infantile tendencies.

I would call Womens Aid and talk to them further.

op I thought your DH was similar to mine, until I read that you had to email him to talk about it? And mine doesn't shout at me about things I do 'wrong'. I can assert myself with my DH and have NEVER worried about doing so.
I think what you're describing is emotional abuse... the fact that you've brought it up and it still isn't changing is testament to that. It sounds as though he enjoys keeping you anxious
I don't know what to suggest because he won't change by the sounds of it, leaving him will make him realise what a dickhead he's been.

He can and does control himself around other people, he takes out all his rages on you solely (as his parents did).

He does have a problem with anger Nonny, your anger when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

This is absolutely not the environment you want be raising your children in; their home should be a sanctuary but its not that for them and its not that for you either.

His parents taught him damaging lessons about relationships, do not do that to your own children going forward by continuing to do your bit here to show them that yes this is how people do behave in relationships.

@Hermonie2016

Practice a phrase that you can use to ensure he knows you will not tolerate his abuse.

What would you suggest? Just something like 'don't talk to me like that' or is that too mild? As you can see I'm not very good at this standing up for myself thing.

Bless you about the bread. How long have you been together? My ex over the course of our relationship got angry about so many things I felt like that all the time. Burning toast, stacking the dishwasher wrong,dinner too late, kids being noisy, family being too involved, going out, not saying enough, saying too much..... sound familIar?

You're probably a lot like me, don't like confrontation, feel like you have to smooth its over all the time?

Take a mool at Lundy Bancroft why doesn't he do that. It might help you.

Good luck x

He does this also because he can.

He may never realise come to realise that the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none; the damaging lessons imparted to him by his parents are that deeply imprinted.

You need to leave him ultimately; another 3-5 years of this for instance will simply just wear you down even more to a further shadow of your own previous self.

I just saw your reply about you. EIng the bread winner. Has that changed recently to your side more?

Ex didn't work for a few years and that's what spiraled everything. I was happy being the breadwinner and him dealing more with house stuff. He wasn't but didn't try change it. We got stuck.

Aghhh my phone! About you being the breadwinner....

@pudding21 yes I get the kids being too noisy one quite a lot! Like I have control over the volume level of a 22 month old and 5 month old who can't fully understand 'be quiet' yet?!

We've been together 5 years, married for 3. No we've always been this way financially. I probably earn x 3 or x 4 more than him but he knew this when he met me. He's never said he was bothered about that - tho I guess he might be secretly bothered, I don't know - and we split household costs proportionately but he only contributes in months where his earnings are decent which is maybe 7 or 8 months of the year. Maybe that frustrates him? He does 3 days a week with kids when I'm not on leave as he works evenings and weekends mainly so that saves us a lot of money so I certainly don't feel that he doesn't pull his weight financially. But money or lacktherof clearly bothers him a lot

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @mogulfield thank you for your thoughts and advice.

I find it very hard to read that there's no hope for change as I love him and want to believe I can sort this out somehow.

I completely appreciate what you are saying and realise I'm probably in denial.

You cannot sort this out or fix him - all you can do is decide whether to put up with it or whether to leave.

Well speak to him and see how you get on? A serious chat where you clearly explain how this is affecting you. Although I'm unsure how safe that is and if that's good advice or not, as I don't know him!
If he continues even though he KNOWS it upsets you then he's a dickhead and you move on.
Although it's a classic in these circumstances to say just one more chance...

I put up with 28 years of being with someone like this! Please don't be me, it affects your kids, wish I'd seen him for what he really was from the start but I was conditioned by my family life to constantly be making allowances for someone and found that I'd married someone who did the same. He was tolerable for the first 18 years (although lots of people would have walked even then) but once he started out earning me and felt that he controlled the purse strings he became absolutely awful. I wasted the last 10 years of my life because I kept making allowances for him thinking he was depressed but he wasn't ever too depressed to do things that he wanted just depressed enough to take everything in life out on me. We've been separated for nearly 14 months and I feel like I've come out from behind a cloud. I realise now that I hadn't enjoyed or looked forward to anything for years and years truly as I always had to think what sort of mood he would be in. The feeling of walking on eggshells is just awful.

Do read the Lundy Bancroft book "why does he do that?", I think you will recognise him in it and it will give you some insight into why he does this.
Lundy previously worked with men like him, aiming to change their ways. He found this was generally impossible. Sorry. Now he has written a book for women instead to help them protect themselves. He does give some advice about how to try and manage things if you want to try and stay together.

I grew up in a household with many similarities to your situation and as a child I found it really tense, knowing my father was in a black mood and looking for something to blow up about. I have anxiety problems now which I imagine stem from that. I also dated some awful men because I'd learnt that you should appease someone who is being a dick rather than stand up for yourself. Do think about what your children will learn from your relationship. I cannot fathom why my mother stayed with him and made me grow up with this, I am not close to her.

I'd also see a Solicitor, even if you hope to stay, just to get some advice about what would happen if you divorced. You say that he looks after the kids three daytimes a week whilst you work and you are the higher earner. Be aware that he might be able to be classed as the "primary carer" and have the children most of the week whilst you pay maintenance. See a Solicitor and check if this is possible and what you can do to avoid it.

I could have been your mother Hopelessly because I stayed in a similar relationship for years too. It breaks my heart now because the child I adored, tried my best for and believed I was doing the right thing by, was terribly terribly damaged by it. I understood about physical abuse (which he was careful to avoid, because he knew), but had no idea we were suffering from emotional abuse because there was no general awareness of it. I knew there were problems in my marriage but I was trapped. Trapped by social and familial pressure to conform (it was widely believed that divorce was damaging to children back then) child care was very very sparse, and uncontrolled, cost as much per hour as I could earn and tax credits didn't exist. There was no internet, no mumsnet, no friend in similar situation. I had no other point of reference.
This is really hard for you Nonny, like you I loved my husband and I wanted the best for him, I wanted to bring our child up in a happy home, I went round in circles trying to second guess what might upset him next, but it took over my life and completely wore me down. I don't know if you can change things, you're probably at the stage where you can still try (and need to for your long term peace of mind) but stay mindful of your and your children's well being too.

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu the thought of leaving him and him getting custody of the kids terrifies me. I do mornings, evenings everyday, and weekends (2 days they are at nursery) and all the associated stuff (Drs appointments, physio, playgroups, laundry, groceries, making sure they have everything they need) so very much feel like the main carer even when I'm back at work. The prospect of that would put me off leaving even if it was for the best.

Thank you @RedastheRose and @Tattyhabits for your experiences and support - it fears me gratefully that I'd harm the kids and / or that they'd hate me but I'm also scared how I'd cope with 2 kids so young on my own

I'm going to go against the grain here and say things can change. I went through a desperate cycle of similar behaviour and we separated. But we eventually realised we still loved each other enough to both want to change. We are back together, we have both entered therapy separately to address our issues and have agreed acceptable boundaries and better ways to manage conflict. It can be done but BOTH parties have to recognise there is a problem and want to make it better.

I think you are terrified of leaving him regardless but your life with him now is various states of misery that your children will also pick up from and learn from. Its no legacy to leave them nonny, it really is not.
You continue to make allowances for him, he does not do that at all for you.

I would seek legal advice and find out exactly where you stand in the event of divorce. Knowledge after all is power and your fears may well be unjustified.

I also think he does not like the fact at all that you earn more than him although he does state otherwise. However, that is his problem and not yours.

Do you think he is also going to show more interest in his children in the long run if you were to separate; likely not. You will still end up taking them to appointments and such like. What he could well do with his children is use them to get back to you for leaving him. Such men only think about their own selves.

Have therapy yourself and you will learn to stand up for yourself. He is taking his stress out on you . If my dh said to me that l left a light on l would say yes mummy l will do better in future..joking but letting him know he is not my mother so back off.
There is a reason you are not able to confront him possibly coming from your own childhood. As you sort that you will know if he is worth it or not. I am not blaming you as he is out of order but learning to stand up for yourself will be a great thing for you going forward and give you a chance to see if you can knock his cranky ways on the head.
Also keep an eye on his drinking? Do you have any way of knowing how much he is really earning and spending on drink.? He could have a bigger problem here that he is covering up.

Nonny, the phrase may not be as important as your belief that what he is doing/saying is completely unacceptable.Often when we are being unfairly attacked we start justifying or explaining.What you need to do is detach and observe (the craziness of squashed bread) rather than absorb his criticisms/craziness.

By asserting yourself calmly his reaction will tell you everything.If he escalates his aggression or ignores and sulks you will know that he doesn't want his behaviour to change.

I am so sorry you are going through this, its heartbreaking but you didn't cause it.

I would think with very young children he might be less likely to want to have full time responsibility.

@gingergenius thank you - I was fairly gutted that no one thought there was any hope at all. I'm glad it worked out for you. I really want to try for all of our sake before giving up. I worry I don't reflect how many great qualities here. I am waiting for him to wake as he didn't come to bed until 6am but will try to talk to him