Help! Walking on eggshells with angry husband!

[NonnyBunny]

I’m in need of some relationship advice. While my relationship with my husband is generally good, there have been several periods over the past two years, usually lasting a couple of months, where everything I do will be wrong, and the smallest thing will result in a criticism, or outburst of irritation of anger. Things that have annoyed him in these phases in the past include the bread getting squashed by heavier shopping, leaving a light on when I’m not in the room, not feeding the dog at the right time, moving something of his, or today, going to meet friends and not having told him I was going. These are things that wouldn’t usually bother him in the slightest, but in these ‘bad’ periods, I can’t do anything right. It sends me into a state of anxiety where I end up desperately trying to not give him cause to be annoyed, but despite my best efforts he’ll find a reason to be annoyed. It’s like being on eggshells the whole time and has led me to feel extremely low and doubting every aspect of myself.

Usually he eventually stops and things return to normal. I think it's triggered by him feeling stressed about something so when the stress passes he stops. But now he's started a new phase of this. We’re only about 3 days in and I already can’t take it any more. I have 2 kids under 2 and am about to go back to work full time. I need his support, not this behaviour.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I overreacting or does this behaviour seem unfair? And any ideas on resolving it? I hate confrontation, especially as he can be quite aggressive - the thought makes me very anxious - but I know i can't carry on like this, especially if it keeps happening. Sorry for the long post.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes will def seek legal advice so I know where I stand. I don't think he'd fight to have the kids full time, he didn't with his step son and has him just on a casual basis. His work is so erratic it's be difficult for him - lots of very late nights etc

@junebirthdaygirl you are so right, I have a major issue with direct communication about anything difficult, I always have - that predates my relationship. I do think if i was less meek it might help, and if it makes him worse then that tells me the relationship is unsustainable. It's so deeply ingrained I think I'd need help from someone to achieve the ability to confront

@Hermonie2016 thank you so much, I will try this from now and see how I get on. As you say, if it escalates rather than makes him see how he's behaving, I'll have my answer.

I dont think its you making him worse but we can only change ourselves so get help yourself and your mind will be clearer.
I has cbt and found it really helped me with confrontation among other things. A lot was going back to childhood. Taking a step for yourself gives you more confidence and empowers you.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice - it's been invaluable and has made me face some realities I've been avoiding. I still want to try to work this out but I think my eyes are a lot more open than they were. I'll seek out therapy and encourage him to do the same, but I'm not sure he will. We'll see. Holed up in a coffee shop in the rain. Hopefully he'll be awake when I go back to put kids down for a nap and we can talk then.

Nonnybunny my STBX was like this. It made me feel pathetic in the end that I was scared of standing up to him. Not because he would physically hit me but because he would turn it around so it was me who was at fault for being an unreasonable person, and I would end up feeling verbally battered as a result.
I'm still struggling to get my head round it all but it's good to know I'm not the only one.

@NearlyFree17 agh yes pathetic is how I feel a lot lately. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with your situation and for acting to change things. It was very brave of you and you are definitely not pathetic!

I think he chose you as a victim, he knows you are scared of talking to him and you are terrified he will get custody so refuse to leave. Has he threatened that in the past to you? What makes you think a judge would grant him custody and you none?

Do you know he really wanted more babies? A lot of men are traumatized and put off by the first.

@HeavenlyEyes a poster above suggested possible issue re custody as he will look after kids 3 days from September when I'm at work. He's never threatened it. I've never raised leaving before

@Neutrogena he actually pushed to have a second child quickly tho he did admit in a previous bad phase when I was pregnant that he was anxious about how stressful life might become. I was annoyed as already pregnant by then!

I feel very anxious about how he might react to me standing up for myself - I'm hoping it'll shock him into a think about his behaviour but I'm expecting the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is abuse, emotional abuse.

As his taking everything out on you . He can control himself, as you've said, just chooses not to with you. This is abuse.

You are teaching your children that this is how a man should be have. You are teaching your children that this is how a woman deserves to be treated. You are teaching them that this is what 'love' looks like. Is that what you want?

Ugh tried to talk to him and it didn't go that great.

He was quite defensive, and said says he knows he's been tetchy this week but that I'm creating a self fulfilling prophecy by getting anxious about it being a cycle that keeps happening. And he said I've been acting weird this week - which is true but that's because I'm anxious about what he's going to do / say next. I pointed that out.

I asked him how he thought he would feel if I talked to him the way he sometimes talks to me, giving a couple of examples of things he does which I let go because they are trivial (e.g. not making the bed)

He stood up and walked away saying it was good to have had a bit of a chat about it but 'we both need time to think about what we've said'.

I did at least confront the situation for once rather then sending a text or email. I managed to tell him it's not ok for him to talk to me like that, that when he's got like this before over an extended period it makes me feel like a total basket case, and that in future I will be telling him it's not ok for him to speak to me like that when it happens.

Feeling a bit deflated but I suppose when you call someone on their bad behaviour they are unlikely to just say 'ok you are right, I'm wrong' - hopefully he'll think about it. The thing that worries me most is that there was definitely an element of him trying to pass the blame onto me ('you've been weird', 'you're creating a self fulfilling prophecy') which is depressing

Still in the past I know when he's had a chance to think about things it has improved so maybe I need to give him that opportunity to think. And I can use to think about what I will do if this continues

That's great to hear Ginger, it just shows how much raising awareness and understanding can achieve. I realise in hindsight that I was as bad for him as he was for me, appeasing him all the time just reinforced the behaviour, and he got worse and worse and more unhappy himself as years went by.

Nonny, I don't think you necessarily need to leave him (perhaps you will, but from what you have said I don't think it is at that point right now). I think you need to stand up to him much more robustly and consistently. Well done for confronting him, a great first step. However in my view it's not enough to have a mature discussion about it as you have tried to do. You also need to tell him in no uncertain terms, in the moment, that it is not OK. E.g. when he says the bread is squashed: 'so what, get over yourself, I'll eat it if you don't want it'. 'yes the bread is squashed, what do you plan to do about it'. 'have you nothing better to complain about than squashed bread' 'don't speak to me like that, that is out of order' etc. I think he takes out his stress on you because he can. I agree with junebirthdaygirls post above. I would also like to recommend a book that really helped me become more assertive in this type of situation - 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Randy Paterson - it's funny and practical and worth actually working through the exercises. Disclaimer I am not excusing your DH - the problem is his, not yours. However I think you can help yourself by putting clear boundaries in place. As others have said, this will stand you in good stead in the future no matter what happens to your marriage.

PS give yourself a nice reward for confronting him - every step you take in that direction is a positive one. Even if it didn't go exactly how you would have liked. It was a first go and will get better. You say you feel deflated but how do you feel about yourself given that you had the courage to face your fear and talk about the issue?

Thank you so much for your kind words @Yika - you are absolutely right and thanks very much for the suggestions on how I respond when he snaps at me. I really need to break the cycle. I will try doing that from now on.

The kids are both asleep and I'm just in the bedroom in tears. I can hear he's on phone with a friend making plans to go out which I think is for the best. We obviously both need some time and space.

@Yika I guess I should give myself some credit for actually having the conversation under difficult circumstances (he clearly didn't want to have it but I persevered) - but I think it was such an effort for me that I feel utterly exhausted and am just a weepy mess

Practice a phrase that you can use to ensure he knows you will not tolerate his abuse.

Bullshit, if practical phrases put abusers in their place the relationship board would be bloody empty. The only way you communicate to someone that their behaviour is unacceptable to you, is by removing yourself from being their target. Actions speak louder than words.

I agree with @heavenlyeyes definitely not a good state to be in. Being anxious and upset by someone you're living with. I can't believe the things he gets annoyed about. I.e. Squashed bread etc. People like this get on my nerves, there is more to life than getting upset over things like that. Totally trivial and stupid. Should write everything down and give him it in letter format that way its not direct confrontation.

I think the conversation went quite well. He isn't going to willingly agree he's been unkind and an utter arse!

I would really try to persuade him to do som therapy with him. Only if you think you will have the confidence to really say what you think and how you feel.

The fact he has responded to emails/texts in the past implies that he can self reflect and will make the effort to change his behaviour.

It sounds as though he slips into bad behaviour and starts reacting rather than dealing with how he is feeling/talking to you about it.

Thank you @RandomMess - on reflection it could have gone worse! He's gone out to give me some space and says he won't be back for dinner which i think is a good thing, perhaps we can feel a bit more positive tomorrow and I'll go forward trying to be less of a doormat when the issues arise again

I am a bit worried he's gone out drinking and will come back drunk and horrid but it's unfair to assume this - I'm just in a state of expecting the worst which isn't helpful either. His friends are lovely and maybe he'll be able to talk things out with them - or even just have a break from it all so we can start afresh tomorrow

Thanks @Lipsy21 yes it is ridiculous - the squashed bread thing was only once 18 mo ago (I guess I never brought home squashed bread again) but it's stuck with me

the bread getting squashed by heavier shopping, leaving a light on when I’m not in the room, not feeding the dog at the right time, moving something of his, or today, going to meet friends and not having told him I was going.

I'm not being funny but my other half constantly dies a series of things like this and it becomes extremely annoying. Leaving he light on is a bit OTT to get annoyed about but the other things...

Why would you not tell him you were going to meet friends? It's not hard to communicate? Why on earth would you put bread at he bottom of a bag of heavy shopping!!! And why move his stuff? Did he get annoyed because he then couldn't find it when he needed it?

I don't understand it I'm afraid; I would also find head things v annoying. I am really careful with things and how I do things, and obviously sometimes fuck up sometimes, but what I find irritating is my DH does 20 of these things a day. Is that what is happening here?

I find when I am feeling ok, I just suck it up and pick my battles. When I am feeling low or stressed I find these things grate on me so much I can't.

I do try however to still raise any issues in a calm way (most of the time!!!). But I can't keep them held in!!!! As your DH said the resentment builds. Perhaps he needs to work on his method of delivery and you both need to work out how to reduce his stress levels?

Keep it up OP, I have had the same and my H initially got defensive and argumentative, he has now said to me that he realises he has been a total dick in his attitude to me, and it wasn't acceptable to take all his frustrations out on me, which for him was a revelation!!