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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can anyone help me decipher my new guy...

94 replies

misskz88 · 03/08/2017 08:57

Hi all

I use to post on this forum under a different username (misszp), but unfortunately it has kicked me out and I cannot find my password reset!

Anyway, in the last 12 months I have been casually dating, travelling, changing jobs, moving house, and then finally thought I had found myself a keeper! I really need some advice to know that I am not going stir crazy. I will try to keep it sweet!

I met a guy (both late 20's) and we have been dating around 4 months. He has a highly stressful job (mine can be, but tends to be fairly settled), but we have always managed to balance seeing each other a few times a week. I am a home owner, he is back home with parents after renting for years so he can more quickly save a deposit. We live around 1.5 hours apart but our work locations mean in the week travel is around 50-60 min from each other. Makes sense that he stays at mine more. It has never been an issue.

Things have been going swimmingly. We get on well, have a genuine connection and common interests, both career driven, considering settling down, he has met friends who all like him, his actions have always proven his words, he has been reliable, considerate etc.

Then his work ramps up and he is working ridiculous hours (all be it for just a couple of weeks- as of now). I give him the space he needs, but let him know I am about when he needs it and am cool and collected about the fact we may have to wait a while to make further plans. I understand his distance, but something just feels off.

So I casually ask, 'is everything ok, anything you need from me'? He drops it in there that he is struggling to juggle everything, doesn't know what to do, is highly stressed, is not sure about anything, run down, and then finally 'I am just not sure about whether I can also juggle a relationship too and I do not want to hurt you, but I honestly think it is the stress of this case, but I just cannot concentrate on anything else until it is over'.

It was not nice to hear, but I knew my intuition was not off! So since then I have tried NOT to make this about feelings and put pressure on it, I have tried to give him space, but he has been unreliable with contact and then in the same has been accusing when I have given him that space. When I have tried to be balanced and neutral he is sweet and almost wants to make a good impression, but when I put my foot down that enough is enough he gets defensive. It is almost like if he has the upper hand and things are on his terms, all is ok. He has 'no time' to continue the little nice things, yet all the time in the world to immediately respond by text or telephone when tempers are high, or it suits him. I have tried to stay calm and keep a distance so he can have a clear head. He keeps swinging from the first amazing version I knew of him, to this inconsistent, stressed, almost bitter version even though I am trying to be respectful and balanced.

I am in several minds:

1, he is playing this out and work is an excuse to drag out ending it. I have given him every chance to get out and I have backed off but he wants to keep in contact, offering advice, checking how I am etc.
2, he is highly stressed, genuinely just needs to get his thoughts in order and I need to leave it be, let him come to me and then lay down my ground rules once the dust has settled.
3, There are some major red flags going on and this is his true self now revealing and I need to run. My friends have said for him to switch so abruptly, they would be very cautious.

Right now my head flits between all potentials. Can anyone who has been in similar help? I really don't know what to do for best!

OP posts:

Migraleve · 03/08/2017 09:01

1,2 or 3 it doesn't matter. None of your possibles are showing him as a catch.

bluebell34567 · 03/08/2017 09:05

if I were you I would end.
no need to grief in life, you cant walk on egg shells.

Smeaton · 03/08/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 09:12

You asked if he was ok and it appears he told you the answer. I'm not sure what he's done wrong except it being an answer you're not keen on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/08/2017 09:13

I think where there's the will there's a way and if someone is genuinely interested they find the means to 'juggle'.
It's only been four months. Sounds like he counts you as one of his stress factors.

RumpledStiltskin · 03/08/2017 09:14

I think any relationship you need to 'decipher' is too much work to be worthwhile. Long term relationships are intermittently tested by Life. Doesn't sound like this guy would be much good for the long haul. Cut your losses.

NotMyMonkees · 03/08/2017 09:18

In what way is he "accusing" when you give him space? And in what way are you telling him "enough is enough?" and what about? Did you say that his busy two weeks has just started?

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 09:21

I also think the hours journey between you is significant is he's mobbed. I think you need to be quite understanding of that and not defensive. Its a big commitment to juggle. My now DH and I live the same apart and we've done the journey back and forth weekly for nearly three years...I think in the early days you're both assessing if it's worth it. Sounds like that's what he's doing too. Appreciating when you're being supportive and understanding and reciprocating in tone and defensive when you have a go (put your foot down) because this relationship isnt the easiest logistically.

SonicBoomBoom · 03/08/2017 09:25

So he was nice and interested for about 3 months of the 4 you've been together? Not very long, is it.

He just can't be arsed making an effort. And he's told you he thinks he doesn't have time for this relationship, so he now has an excuse to not bother making any effort at all. He's basically told you "I'm only going to offer you crumbs when it suits me, but you can't get annoyed at me because I told you this was how it would be".

I'd call it a day.

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 09:27

Thats not at all what OP said he said

HadronCollider · 03/08/2017 09:28

He does sound like a nice guy whose confused. Maybe he has strong feelings and is a little overwhelmed by them. Perhaps that's why when you give him space he reacts badly. Maybe he genuinely wants to achieve stuff for himself, his own house etc before settling down in a serious relationship with anyone, especially somrone whose provided those things for herself.

I think you should obey your instincts and back off completely. Don't initiate any contact. Let him either run after you or drop it. Leave it in his court. In the meantime you should get on with your life. Don't hang around waiting on him, don't sound like your invested and don't let him make you feel bad for ignoring him and moving forward.

I suspect once you really make moves, he'll come running. Then you can decide whether you are still bothered.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 03/08/2017 09:36

In my experience the 3-4 month mark is when the rose tinted glasses come off, the novelty of a new relationship has paled, and it's when people start wondering whether things like a long commute (an hour would be too much for me) is worth it. It's also when they stop watching their Ps and Qs so much and the true them starts to show. It could be that he's decided you're not worth the hour travel any more, especially on top of his work. I'm also concerned about how how he seems to be OK when things are on his terms but then gets funny when you assert yourself. I'd cut my losses.

pullingmyhairout1 · 03/08/2017 09:39

I'd get rid. Too much effort

PollytheDolly · 03/08/2017 09:44

Agree. Too much thought going into something that should be going swimmingly at such an early stage.

He sounds hard work.

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 09:47

I think if you see relationships especially brand new ones like this through a view of whose terms its on then yes possibly wrong relationship. To me the most successful way to build a long term relationship is to treat it with the same respect and breathing space as you would a new friendship. You wouldnt "put you foot down" with a new friend who was busy at work and couldn't make plans - of course you wouldn't, you'd look and be acting nutty! So I think thats how these things grow well. Slowly established roots and the ability to be a positive addition to someone's life until you both decide to put each other in the centre of it.

Ladyformation · 03/08/2017 09:48

He's really busy at work and he's been honest with you about the impact that's having on the rest of his life. I don't see a heck of a lot that he's done wrong.

What do you mean by "when I say enough is enough"? Is he actually being a dick, or is he just not in touch as frequently or shorter in his answers? Because no one has the right to be a dick, but if I was really busy at work and my DP knew that, I wouldn't be impressed to be getting told off for not texting enough.

SonicBoomBoom · 03/08/2017 09:48

I'm not sure what the face was for, Les. That is my interpretation of what he's saying from when OP posted these parts:

He drops it in there that he is struggling to juggle everything, doesn't know what to do, is highly stressed, is not sure about anything, run down, and then finally 'I am just not sure about whether I can also juggle a relationship too and I do not want to hurt you

I have tried to give him space, but he has been unreliable with contact and then in the same has been accusing when I have given him that space.

It is almost like if he has the upper hand and things are on his terms, all is ok. He has 'no time' to continue the little nice things, yet all the time in the world to immediately respond by text or telephone when tempers are high, or it suits him.

That, was why I said He just can't be arsed making an effort. And he's told you he thinks he doesn't have time for this relationship, so he now has an excuse to not bother making any effort at all. He's basically told you "I'm only going to offer you crumbs when it suits me, but you can't get annoyed at me because I told you this was how it would be".

I'd call it a day.

Slimthistime · 03/08/2017 09:50

True self showing
Or
Possibility 4- seeing someone else

Mate of mine used to ring to chat at 11pm from the bus when on a big case. If someone really wants to talk, they will.

But anything that needs deciphering = way to much work anyway.

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 09:53

She asked if he was ok and he told her how it was. Nutshell.

HotNatured · 03/08/2017 10:01

I would bin him now, OP, at this early stage of the relationship things should be easy and exciting, not stressful.

He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, and quite frankly, fuck that shit, life is too short.

Original poster

misskz88 · 03/08/2017 10:07

Thanks for the replies all, will try to add some further detail!

As an example, we had a weekend away planned when this workload hit. I was understanding of it changing and him perhaps needing to let me know last minute of it going ahead, even if I was disappointed. I had bags packed, ready to go just in case, as did he... Supposedly I was unreasonable for wanting to know at 10.00pm the night before we were due to leave whether it was going ahead or not. He had 'assumed' that I should just know considering he was still sat at work.

Lesismiserable Absolutely valid points and I take those on board. However I am and have always been very respectful of his work and also that the journey does impact in busy periods. I have offered solutions i.e 'well if you get a spare hour at the weekend, let me know, we can pop for lunch, and if not, just keep me posted and we can arrange something when your work load lets up'. I have not hassled or made a big deal of not seeing him, I totally get work is work!

notmymonkees - As one example (there are a few), I offered him some breathing space one day when he was particularly stressed and I also acknowledged I had been a little full on over our topic of conversation (i.e, 'sorry unfair of me, let me give you some time to get work done, you know where I am once you get a break and if you need me'). I was out with friends that evening and as I did not respond to a text (pretty typical if we are both busy), I had a missed call (Given he has been distant, the call was unusual), so I dropped him a message to check he was ok, said I would be leaving shortly and would call if he needed to offload. I was snapped at that I was lying about being out, that I must be with someone he would not approve of (Never done a thing for him to accuse me!)... I pulled him up on it and said it was not ok, I wont put up with that kind of thing and he was immediately apologetic. His mood swings back and forth between being kind and thoughtful quite spiteful and patronising and I am not sure if that is stress, not knowing where his head is at, or a place of wanting to gain control of the situation.

Hadroncollider This was one thought process I had. He is a good guy, under stress, leave him to sort himself out. Because when I DO back off and stick to my guns, he suddenly makes effort, but then is distracted by work again.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Yes, I have also thought this too!

Everyone is right though. 4 months in this is ridiculous, so I am best to cut my losses!

OP posts:

guiltybystander · 03/08/2017 10:07

What does he do? What's the job that gives him so much stress and no free time?

Notmyrealname85 · 03/08/2017 10:08

He sounds a nice guy...... and he doesn't sound like he can do a relationship (or think it's worth juggling things to pursue this one). He's basically told you the answer but sounds like he doesn't want the awkward conversation to end it outright - i'd find someone else if I were you. Maybe check back in with him in a year, but my money's on him not thinking this was worth pursuing. You can find another nice one!

Original poster

misskz88 · 03/08/2017 10:10

Ladyinformation There are definitely areas of him being a dick, this is not just about lack contact or him being busy, which I would be fine with!

Slimtimetime Also considered that!! But he is genuinely up to his neck in it, and he has called on the way home from the office when he is able to.

However it has come to be on his terms, when his mood is right, when he feels he can allow me the time, not just because he is busy at work (which I understand!). That is my issue.

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 03/08/2017 10:12

Given your last post about accusing you of being out with someone he doesn't approve of (WTF?!), I'm afraid I stand by my previous posts and maintain this is Red Flag Bunting and DTF.

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