Can anyone help me decipher my new guy...

[misskz88]

Hi all

I use to post on this forum under a different username (misszp), but unfortunately it has kicked me out and I cannot find my password reset!

Anyway, in the last 12 months I have been casually dating, travelling, changing jobs, moving house, and then finally thought I had found myself a keeper! I really need some advice to know that I am not going stir crazy. I will try to keep it sweet!

I met a guy (both late 20's) and we have been dating around 4 months. He has a highly stressful job (mine can be, but tends to be fairly settled), but we have always managed to balance seeing each other a few times a week. I am a home owner, he is back home with parents after renting for years so he can more quickly save a deposit. We live around 1.5 hours apart but our work locations mean in the week travel is around 50-60 min from each other. Makes sense that he stays at mine more. It has never been an issue.

Things have been going swimmingly. We get on well, have a genuine connection and common interests, both career driven, considering settling down, he has met friends who all like him, his actions have always proven his words, he has been reliable, considerate etc.

Then his work ramps up and he is working ridiculous hours (all be it for just a couple of weeks- as of now). I give him the space he needs, but let him know I am about when he needs it and am cool and collected about the fact we may have to wait a while to make further plans. I understand his distance, but something just feels off.

So I casually ask, 'is everything ok, anything you need from me'? He drops it in there that he is struggling to juggle everything, doesn't know what to do, is highly stressed, is not sure about anything, run down, and then finally 'I am just not sure about whether I can also juggle a relationship too and I do not want to hurt you, but I honestly think it is the stress of this case, but I just cannot concentrate on anything else until it is over'.

It was not nice to hear, but I knew my intuition was not off! So since then I have tried NOT to make this about feelings and put pressure on it, I have tried to give him space, but he has been unreliable with contact and then in the same has been accusing when I have given him that space. When I have tried to be balanced and neutral he is sweet and almost wants to make a good impression, but when I put my foot down that enough is enough he gets defensive. It is almost like if he has the upper hand and things are on his terms, all is ok. He has 'no time' to continue the little nice things, yet all the time in the world to immediately respond by text or telephone when tempers are high, or it suits him. I have tried to stay calm and keep a distance so he can have a clear head. He keeps swinging from the first amazing version I knew of him, to this inconsistent, stressed, almost bitter version even though I am trying to be respectful and balanced.

I am in several minds:

1, he is playing this out and work is an excuse to drag out ending it. I have given him every chance to get out and I have backed off but he wants to keep in contact, offering advice, checking how I am etc.
2, he is highly stressed, genuinely just needs to get his thoughts in order and I need to leave it be, let him come to me and then lay down my ground rules once the dust has settled.
3, There are some major red flags going on and this is his true self now revealing and I need to run. My friends have said for him to switch so abruptly, they would be very cautious.

Right now my head flits between all potentials. Can anyone who has been in similar help? I really don't know what to do for best!

PollyPerky - Thank you. I do appreciate the balanced viewpoint.

His mood swings back and forth between being kind and thoughtful quite spiteful and patronising and I am not sure if that is stress, not knowing where his head is at, or a place of wanting to gain control of the situation.

He sounds like a dud to me. Even if it's stress it's no excuse really; I'm of the opinion that you do your utmost not to take your bad mood/stress out on anyone...unless they're the cause of the stress I suppose.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Thank you. I have struggled to really understand where he is coming from as he flips so intermittently. I have really tried not to be a source of stress, but as he has changed so much, it has been challenging to not always bite, although I have admitted when I am wrong and have completely backed off the last few days. I do recognise where I have gone wrong, so I do know I am not faultless.

I am a bit gutted and and kicking myself. I wish I had just played the silent card with him, but instead I told him in a direct and polite manner, I am done. IF it was just stress though I have probably fully closed the door on this, rather than just letting it play out. Then again, if he wanted this he would not have acted the way he has, and he would try and fix it would he not?

I really need to remember his actions also brought about where we are today, and ultimately it is as much his loss. That self critiquing voice though is hard to shut up when it constantly makes you doubt the reason for your decisions.

Reality slap please!

How did he take it?

So let's say it is stress and you don't break up.

2 years down the track he loses his job and is stressed. He will take it out on you.

3 years, you have a sick baby and you haven't slept in months. Stress will be taken out on you and baby.

5 years, family member is dying. Up you come to be the punching bag.

Get the idea?

This is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. He has shown you how he handles periods of stress and you will spend the rest of your life having to deal with it.

Time to find someone else that won't make your life miserable when they are stressed.

nameohnameohname So far with silence and a non response. Actually, I am quite ok with that.

Aussiebean Point view much taken and eyes open.

So this weekend I called it off, all be it I was pretty harsh with some words (I have apologised since). A few messages bounced back and forth and even though I said I was done, he 'just wanted thinking space'. He has made me feel like I am overreacting, like I have been wrong to question him even though his feelings have changed intermittently and he has been so inconsistent..... I said my last words to him and then blocked his number for my own sanity (and the fact I am like a dog with a bone and can't leave things be, so it stops me being tempted to keep biting!).

So why do I feel pretty upset and saddened by it all and like I want to chase him? I won't, but please MN give me some sane words!!!

Oh OP you've done great.

Now comes the tough part - don't scratch that itch! You'll feel sad and think of all the nice parts of him - it's part of the process. The only way is through. Give yourself a week to feel sad and lick your wounds.

Be kind to yourself, spend time with friends and most of all congratulate yourself for having standards!

I think you are great!

Thank you @HipsterAssassin.

I am just kicking myself for all the times I DID bite and lash out at him, but with good reason! The inconsistency, the not knowing where I stand, the excuses, the horrid attitude... There are no excuses for so much poor behaviour, even work and stress!

I just feel so sad, as some of my best dates were with him... I have not had dates and moments like it before, nor have I ever felt so comfortable to be myself with someone so early on, but that came about because he really did prove himself with actions and not words. I didn't let my guard down the whole 6 years I was with my ex. This guy knew that history, told me to take my time, that he wasn't going anywhere, that he was considering this all as long term so there was no rush... He even dropped in comments about when he purchases his first house that he would be considering that it is a location suited to 'us' as well as his work.... I feel totally led down the garden path, I would have bet my life on it that this was a genuine guy :( Of course I am realistic that feelings change, people are allowed to realise it is not for them and want to walk away. But it is the fact HE pursued things, HE was suggestive of a 'future', he made a point of the fact I could trust him and let my guard down.... I was cautious to listen to actions and not words, to only give as good as I got. I just want to reiterate that at no point have I believed words over actions, this guy did really shine through with his behaviour and that I could rely on him, that he was someone reliable and honest.... And suddenly he turns 180 .

I would have happily ticked along seeing where things go, but he was happy, (actually he wanted ) me to open up, to allow me to think and feel for the situation. He proved it through actions, so I trusted him. Now I am left seriously questioning my judge of character and my ability to spot a dud.

It has knocked me sideways, because I have spent the last 18 (bloody hard and emotionally draining) months rebuilding my life, gaining my independence, trying to ensure I protect myself and learn the signs. I thought I had cracked it, that I would not be so vulnerable to this type of person and situation. Instead I am left reeling that actually underneath it all I still don't have it sussed and I am still too trusting and naive. I just feel sad that even if I do try, this will affect my ability to let the next person again for fear of a repeat.

It just didn't work and you've been very strong doing what needed to be done. Of course you are sad, you are thinking of what might have been.

It shouldn't mean that you can't have another great relationship in the future. It just means that you have greater experience on what is a good relationship or not.

Take the next one slowly. Don't invest so much of yourself so quickly on first impressions. But don't let it ruin a potential new relationship. Just let the fire burn gradually with just a bit of wariness until you get through the rose coloured spectacle time.

You are not AS vulnerable as you were but are still a bit vulnerable. That also means you are stronger than you were before - in case I need to make the point more strongly to you

Your instincts were trying to tell you things, and you were half listening. Well done! that is a worthwhile improvement!!

You are on a journey to the future, the future has the right person for you in it, but you are not ready for it/him, you have things to learn. this was a lesson. Take what you can from it and use it to feel stronger and more confident about yourself.

He totally future-faked you. Why would he do that? HE is the one with insecurity issues, what is so awful about him that he has to fake things to hook you in? It takes time to make these kinds of decisions about people. Where is the fire? After only 4m he's planning houses etc with you?

Houses can be bought and sold, it's not a big deal to find somewhere new to share

My ex wanted me to tell him all about me too... after a year he turned and used everything I had told him as a weapon to destroy me.

Took me 10 years to get free, he wore me down to almost nothing.

You've handled this brilliantly OP. Please don't be tempted to go back to him. I know only too well how this kind of behaviour ends. It gets worse as time goes on. If there is no respect in the early days, there is no respect from that point on. I speak from true experience.

Don't look back, you have dodged an almighty bullet.

Thank you all!

I know your advice and words are correct, I just cannot believe how desperate he has me feeling over this at times, wanting to cling on, when actually we are in this situation because of him!

I don't feel I did really over invest and I did always know that eventually the rose tinted glasses would come off, but I though it would be minor things.... You know, the little habits you love to hate! I kept a distance and always took things with a pinch of salt. It was only the last few weeks I have dropped my guard, and until two weeks ago he was consistent, reliable, I felt safe, I had no reason to doubt him, no warning signs etc. Then suddenly it was like a freight train hitting me.... Two completely different people, and I am still struggling to understand why/how/when/when/who or pick my jaw up off the floor. He even had my very sceptical, heads screwed on, wise to the world best friends who can always spot a wrong'un! They were convinced by him, and told me many times to 'stop being so guarded, the guy is great, give him a chance'!

I realise I AM stronger than I was, but jeez does it take the wind out of your sails... Especially after 6 years of similar. I thought I could sniff this kind out and therefore avoid them. Whilst I won't let it ruin any new future relationships, it does make me very cautious and wary.

Where are the nice ones? :(

They're out there, trust me!

It's a journey to stronger relationships, honestly. Keep working on those boundaries, love yourself first and foremost and give thanks to whatever you believe in or hold dear that you have had a very lucky escape.

Keep it that way! (((hug)))

He sensed your guard, and considered it a challenge. He saw you relax and then immediately took it to his real self.

There are 2 different people, the one you know now - the real him, the one who is hideous

The other him, the one he pretended to be to get you on the hook. That was a cloak.

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say you have been hasty here.

Everything else you said about him sounds like he was the genuine article. Nobody is perfect and his recent behaviour is pretty standard "man absorbed by work stress".

You've pushed him repeatedly (by your own admission) and obviously this makes a man in need of space and support feel even more like withdrawing from you.

Insecurity has driven your reaction to his behaviour. Having an open and non-confrontational conversation about how he feels, how it makes you feel and whether you can accept his need for space would have been the way to go.

It sounds like he is married. Contacts you when he wants you, sees you as an irritant when he is with his wife.

@frogslegs31 Insecurity has driven your reaction to his behaviour. Having an open and non-confrontational conversation about how he feels, how it makes you feel and whether you can accept his need for space would have been the way to go. I see your point and I absolutely agree, but I DID try this approach, and I was happy to give him the space and support from a distance as and when he needed it. Work stress does not make you forget your feelings or your manners, even if it does distract and take away from things for a period of time (and which I accept as an adult). That I can accept. I cannot accept the mood swings, the "I am not sure about us/what I want/if I am relocating/you mean so much to me, which is why this is SO hard/This is just work, I will be fine by the weekend/Actually no, I am not sure my gut feeling is in it/Please just give me space/But please give me attention when I am under stress and want it"........... Work was just an the start of an excuse instead of saying exactly what he meant (and that was after us both discussing the distance, the fact HE had told me he saw things as long term etc, I didn't push that, he did). THAT is what I am so pissed off and deeply upset about; the excuses and lies, when it could have been so clean cut. Not exactly fair is it?

Just to point out though, I genuinely do see your viewpoint, and at all times I have tried to take a step back, have said sorry and shown it through my actions when needed. I am reflecting on how I address my own future behaviour by looking at how it worsened/eased this situation and therefore how I will act and treat any future situations :)

@haveacupoftea He definitely is not married and does not have a long term partner. My issues weren't with trusting him on this and never were (although for a split second I did consider if the sudden change was due to someone else). I don't believe it is, but I will never know.

I don't doubt he has a lot of self work to do and he wants to concentrate on career, that some of this has been caused by work and at times my reaction, but he has been calculated and underhand in his behaviour and he has led me on.

I actually don't believe he is a bad person at all, I just think circumstance, maturity on both parts, timing and both our behaviours, made it very messy and therefore a situation that was best left alone. It just bloody hurts as I was so hopeful about this guy :(