Can anyone help me decipher my new guy...

[misskz88]

Hi all

I use to post on this forum under a different username (misszp), but unfortunately it has kicked me out and I cannot find my password reset!

Anyway, in the last 12 months I have been casually dating, travelling, changing jobs, moving house, and then finally thought I had found myself a keeper! I really need some advice to know that I am not going stir crazy. I will try to keep it sweet!

I met a guy (both late 20's) and we have been dating around 4 months. He has a highly stressful job (mine can be, but tends to be fairly settled), but we have always managed to balance seeing each other a few times a week. I am a home owner, he is back home with parents after renting for years so he can more quickly save a deposit. We live around 1.5 hours apart but our work locations mean in the week travel is around 50-60 min from each other. Makes sense that he stays at mine more. It has never been an issue.

Things have been going swimmingly. We get on well, have a genuine connection and common interests, both career driven, considering settling down, he has met friends who all like him, his actions have always proven his words, he has been reliable, considerate etc.

Then his work ramps up and he is working ridiculous hours (all be it for just a couple of weeks- as of now). I give him the space he needs, but let him know I am about when he needs it and am cool and collected about the fact we may have to wait a while to make further plans. I understand his distance, but something just feels off.

So I casually ask, 'is everything ok, anything you need from me'? He drops it in there that he is struggling to juggle everything, doesn't know what to do, is highly stressed, is not sure about anything, run down, and then finally 'I am just not sure about whether I can also juggle a relationship too and I do not want to hurt you, but I honestly think it is the stress of this case, but I just cannot concentrate on anything else until it is over'.

It was not nice to hear, but I knew my intuition was not off! So since then I have tried NOT to make this about feelings and put pressure on it, I have tried to give him space, but he has been unreliable with contact and then in the same has been accusing when I have given him that space. When I have tried to be balanced and neutral he is sweet and almost wants to make a good impression, but when I put my foot down that enough is enough he gets defensive. It is almost like if he has the upper hand and things are on his terms, all is ok. He has 'no time' to continue the little nice things, yet all the time in the world to immediately respond by text or telephone when tempers are high, or it suits him. I have tried to stay calm and keep a distance so he can have a clear head. He keeps swinging from the first amazing version I knew of him, to this inconsistent, stressed, almost bitter version even though I am trying to be respectful and balanced.

I am in several minds:

1, he is playing this out and work is an excuse to drag out ending it. I have given him every chance to get out and I have backed off but he wants to keep in contact, offering advice, checking how I am etc.
2, he is highly stressed, genuinely just needs to get his thoughts in order and I need to leave it be, let him come to me and then lay down my ground rules once the dust has settled.
3, There are some major red flags going on and this is his true self now revealing and I need to run. My friends have said for him to switch so abruptly, they would be very cautious.

Right now my head flits between all potentials. Can anyone who has been in similar help? I really don't know what to do for best!

For me... I'd back off, let this play out. As much for a social experiment as anything else, but then again I find odd ball character amusing and know I can handle it. He'd still be as dumped as a dumped thing, but i'd see it as an opportunity to learn how to protect myself .

what do you WANT to do now? When you think of ending it, what does your gut say?

It's only been 4 months and he's behaving like this.

He has shown you his true colours, he doesn't prioritise you or your relationship. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.

It's all about him. Just no.

agree with all the others, he's manipulative - you've been incredibly patient and understand even all the waiting and not knowing at 10pm the night before whether his workload would allow you both to go away for the weekend.

He sounds like a spoiled, gets his own way type and the comment about you being out with other people is ridiculous. Why should you jump when he says?

Even with ending it, you are thinking should you do it when 'his' workload is less. No, do it on your terms and when you're ready, for you. Please put yourself first, you sound like a lovely considerate person. His loss.

DTF (Dump The Fucker).

Well done for questioning this early on, your instinct told you it wasn't right and you have the confidence in yourself to know that you're not being treated right.

Been there done that. Doesn't get better until you end it. Sorry but cut your losses & look for someone else before it affects your confidence xx

I've got a pet theory about men and work. If they want to progress their careers or take on more work, they should start a promising relationship with a woman. This seems to have the magical effect of causing their professional life to ramp up in approximately two months.

I've never once heard of it working the other way round.

OP Maybe my take on him is a bit different. I'm old enough to be your Mum :) Both my DCs are your age / slightly older. They are both very busy with work, ambitious, in professional jobs, have to work late including evenings, sometimes into the small hours doing work at home, and weekends. I know that if they were seeing someone new, 4 months in, work would still take priority because their jobs are important and they can't afford to lose them. I also know that they would feel under pressure and step back if a new boyfriend or girlfriend was putting them under pressure, even by saying 'I don't want to put you under pressure.!

I don't think his behaviour is unusual for a professional 20-something who had a job that demands a lot of time.

I think you are underestimating the pressure of his job and how that creates stress- the mood swings are due to stress.

He's said it here:

He drops it in there that he is struggling to juggle everything, doesn't know what to do, is highly stressed, is not sure about anything, run down, and then finally 'I am just not sure about whether I can also juggle a relationship too and I do not want to hurt you

I don't know what you mean by enough is enough. Lack of attention? His being distant (due to him being stressed by work) or what.

It's clear he is not ready for a full-on committed relationship, because he has no emotional energy left. He's been honest with you. LISTEN to it!

It's nothing to do with you not being Miss Right. Just that at this time in his life it's all a bit too much and you are being demanding in a way by nagging him over 'what's wrong..' type of statements.

You need to let him go and just accept that he can't meet your needs at the moment OR you back right off, see other men and keep in on the back burner as a friend if you think it might work better when he's not to stressed.

One question to ask yourself, could you cope with this sort of behavior if you were living together. I think we both know the answer to that. And grateful that I know what DTF is so I can agree that is the only solution.

I've got a pet theory about men and work. If they want to progress their careers or take on more work, they should start a promising relationship with a woman. This seems to have the magical effect of causing their professional life to ramp up in approximately two months.

Nice one Morris, I think you are right! My other half's business is FLYING! Everyone has noticed. His FD hasn't even met me but approves wholeheartedly

I would end it now, rather than let things hang on.

I think the name calling of this guy is really off.

He's relatively young (as I said, both my DCs are that age and older, and one has only just started sharing with their long term partner, due to location issues.)

This guy is not a bad person. All he's saying is he isn't in the right place for this kind of relationship.
The OP wants more and he can't give it.

No one is to blame they are just on different pages.

You have not read the thread Polly

he has issues with her going out with her friends for one and her gut is telling her he's not right. There are other things she has alluded to.

The bit that raises red flags is his questioning whose ops out with, implying she should only be out with people he 'approves of' (signs of being controlling, this is only 4 months in) and becoming derisory and sarcastic, temper blowing hot and cold, if she fails to jump and be available when he wants, again......this is only 4 months in. I hate to think how much control he'd exert over OPs life if they dated for a year.

She should run while she can.

Spelling failure sorry.

I was snapped at that I was lying about being out, that I must be with someone he would not approve of

That alone would have me finishing it.

Seriously. It's only been 4 months and he's already angsty, easily angered, suspicious, bitter and taking it out on you when he's stressed at work. Imagine how he's handle real pressure! Not pretty.

I would walk away. it's to much work. He's clearly prioritizing himself, his job, and what he wants and expects you to jump and get it ... at only 4 months in! And he's already showing signs of manipulation and control over you when he feels you slipping away. He's not a keeper, for you or anyone else at the moment. He's not ready for a real relationship.

I was going to say to give him some slack but after your last post, as everyone else here, I would just stop communicating. He is trying to manipulate you and will fuck your head with it.

I also thought that at 4 months (which is no more than 18 weeks!) you should still be at an early honeymoon stage not to be told that you are stressing someone!

You may be a bit over top
I offered him some breathing space one day when he was particularly stressed and I also acknowledged I had been a little full on over our topic of conversation

but this isn't an excuse for him to be controlling of what you are up to!

Ooops hit send before finishing!

..... But when he presents me with contradicting behaviour, behaviour which flips and can suddenly become defensive etc.... I feel I do need to consider more than him 'just not being ready'. I very much believe there is something underlying, whether it be he has not learnt to cope with stress, he has issues to work through, he just wants me to end it... Whatever it is, I am checking out!

Hissy I have RTFT! as it happens.

I saw the comment about 'lying about where you are' and 'someone I'd not approve of'.

But this is all 3rd hand info. It MAy ( just possibly) have been said with humour in a teasing voice. we don't know. Maybe it was an ill thought out joke.

All I can see is that the OP is very intense. Even by saying things like 'If you can spare an hour we could have lunch but I understand if you can't' is a form of pressure because it shows she is so ready and willing to fit in with his plans.

OP I was you, about 40 years ago. I used to be reasonable, accommodating, sensitive. (I still am, I hope.) But what I learned when I was single was that some men don't like women who are so keen. You come over in your posts here as too keen, too invested, too intense, too eager to do and say all the right things. You may not think you are intense, but by being so eager to be 'understanding' you come over as a bit suffocating too.

For example, asking him at 10pm if the weekend away was still on. Another way of approaching it would have been to have left it, arranged things with your friends instead, and let him be disappointed if it turned out he was free in the end.

I don't think you can see it, but by being so bloody nice all the time you are actually turning him off a bit.

Some guys like to have to work a bit harder, especially only 4 months in.

You just aren't right for each other at the moment. Sorry.

Ah it did not even send my first message!

perkypolly Sorry my first post disappeared! I absolutely agree with some of your points. Essentially this is a guy who has had a serious relationship and got burnt, as have I been by a cheating ex. I agree he is not ready for more, for whatever reason, however I also think there are some minor alarm bells ringing that I need to listen to. I don't think he is a bad person and never would, but I do feel whatever his issues are, they are his to deal with and work through and I therefore need to leave him alone.

I very much believe there is something underlying, whether it be he has not learnt to cope with stress, he has issues to work through, he just wants me to end it...

You are not his counsellor. Don't fret over why he does stuff or doesn't do stuff. If it's not working for you, get out.

But - I mean this kindly- I'd look at your own behaviour a bit and see if you are repeating anything in your relationships that don't work out.

pollyperky I get your points and agree RE being 'too nice', I really do, but just to clarify where it may not be clear:

I can assure you it was NOT said with humour. He meant it, even if it was spur of the moment.

Most of the time I DO have plans, just like when he got arsey about the fact I had not replied to his call and text. I am usually busy, I do not sit around waiting for this guy nor do I bend plans to fit with him. I have a busy social life and hobbies, and I have kept it that way the whole time.

I also had booked time off work for our weekend away as were travelling on a weekday it was 10pm and we were due to leave the next morning.... It is manners to let someone know of the plan when you have had it planned for weeks and money has been paid for an overnight stay!

Regarding lunch HE actually initially suggested it by saying 'I would love you to meet me for lunch just for an hour'... and that he was met with 'oh actually but it would just be SO unfair for me to ask you to travel all that way'.

Until this week and his sudden change of behaviour, we were both equally as keen and both putting in the same effort. I also have been respectful of his space and his need to keep a clear head with his workload. Having said that, I will speak my mind, I am not scared that I am 'not saying the right thing' and I won't put up with shitty behaviour, because at the end of the day, that is what this is.

My posts may come across as me being overly keen, but I can assure I have not been and actually in most instances, I have been the one to keep a level head and ensure to not over invest. I have been there with my ex and vowed not to do the same.

perkypolly ^You are not his counsellor. Don't fret over why he does stuff or doesn't do stuff. If it's not working for you, get out.

But - I mean this kindly- I'd look at your own behaviour a bit and see if you are repeating anything in your relationships that don't work out.^

Absolutely. I am not his counsellor, you are right. I was just trying to understand and empathise before chucking the towel in.

I also agree on working on myself. I have recognised and acknowledged when I have not behaved in a considerate nor conducive way this last 4 months. However I also believe I am not the one largely at fault here.

Also Pollyperky apologies for getting your name wrong!

Okay :)

You have explained things a bit more fully now.

I don't know why he would feel he can criticise your friends. That is most odd indeed.

My feeling is that at 27, 28, whatever he is, he's just not mature enough for this kind of relationship. I have a DD your age and she is much more mature than most guys her age.

He does sound inconsiderate and as it's such early days he ought to be on his very best behaviour.

I don't think either of you is to 'blame'; you simply want different things and he hasn't got the emotional stamina to hold down a relationship at the moment and perhaps he's also a bit immature as well.

Love and learn! You sound lovely, so move on and forget him. It's not worth this amount of energy after 16 weeks.