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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me decipher my new guy...

94 replies

misskz88 · 03/08/2017 08:57

Hi all Smile

I use to post on this forum under a different username (misszp), but unfortunately it has kicked me out and I cannot find my password reset!

Anyway, in the last 12 months I have been casually dating, travelling, changing jobs, moving house, and then finally thought I had found myself a keeper! I really need some advice to know that I am not going stir crazy. I will try to keep it sweet!

I met a guy (both late 20's) and we have been dating around 4 months. He has a highly stressful job (mine can be, but tends to be fairly settled), but we have always managed to balance seeing each other a few times a week. I am a home owner, he is back home with parents after renting for years so he can more quickly save a deposit. We live around 1.5 hours apart but our work locations mean in the week travel is around 50-60 min from each other. Makes sense that he stays at mine more. It has never been an issue.

Things have been going swimmingly. We get on well, have a genuine connection and common interests, both career driven, considering settling down, he has met friends who all like him, his actions have always proven his words, he has been reliable, considerate etc.

Then his work ramps up and he is working ridiculous hours (all be it for just a couple of weeks- as of now). I give him the space he needs, but let him know I am about when he needs it and am cool and collected about the fact we may have to wait a while to make further plans. I understand his distance, but something just feels off.

So I casually ask, 'is everything ok, anything you need from me'? He drops it in there that he is struggling to juggle everything, doesn't know what to do, is highly stressed, is not sure about anything, run down, and then finally 'I am just not sure about whether I can also juggle a relationship too and I do not want to hurt you, but I honestly think it is the stress of this case, but I just cannot concentrate on anything else until it is over'.

It was not nice to hear, but I knew my intuition was not off! So since then I have tried NOT to make this about feelings and put pressure on it, I have tried to give him space, but he has been unreliable with contact and then in the same has been accusing when I have given him that space. When I have tried to be balanced and neutral he is sweet and almost wants to make a good impression, but when I put my foot down that enough is enough he gets defensive. It is almost like if he has the upper hand and things are on his terms, all is ok. He has 'no time' to continue the little nice things, yet all the time in the world to immediately respond by text or telephone when tempers are high, or it suits him. I have tried to stay calm and keep a distance so he can have a clear head. He keeps swinging from the first amazing version I knew of him, to this inconsistent, stressed, almost bitter version even though I am trying to be respectful and balanced.

I am in several minds:

1, he is playing this out and work is an excuse to drag out ending it. I have given him every chance to get out and I have backed off but he wants to keep in contact, offering advice, checking how I am etc.
2, he is highly stressed, genuinely just needs to get his thoughts in order and I need to leave it be, let him come to me and then lay down my ground rules once the dust has settled.
3, There are some major red flags going on and this is his true self now revealing and I need to run. My friends have said for him to switch so abruptly, they would be very cautious.

Right now my head flits between all potentials. Can anyone who has been in similar help? I really don't know what to do for best!

OP posts:
5BlueHydrangea · 03/08/2017 10:13

I agree. Walk away. If its meant to be you may find each other again one day....

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 10:18

After your last post it sounds like you are trying to hard to be amenable when actually you're not ok with it and want more which is fine. It sounds like he's up to his neck and your messages back and forth are becoming part of his workload. I do think texting expectations is a pain in the arse to be honest and can cause so much unnecessary hassle on all sides. I'd probably just not text him now until you hear from him and I wouldn't get drawn into a big text exchange unless its about what time you're meeting next and what to wear ie a definitive plan. Other than that move forward in your life as you were doing, he can do the same and if its meant to work it will.

mustresistwine · 03/08/2017 10:22

Agree that this is way too hard work for 4 months in & there are red flags around the change in his behaviour!

hesterton · 03/08/2017 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
misskz88 · 03/08/2017 10:27

SonicBoomBoom What is DTF?

OP posts:
nachogazpacho · 03/08/2017 10:29

This is him when things don't go his way.

Some of the examples cannot be blamed on work load. First not telling you about not being able to go on your weekend and getting funny with you for not just magically knowing. Second the attitude about you going out without him and accusing you or seeing someone else. Thirdly being rude to you generally. None of these can be blamed on his workload. Kind people who work long hard hours don't do these things.

nachogazpacho · 03/08/2017 10:30

*Of not or

Charley50 · 03/08/2017 10:31

Get rid, he's a knob. Who cares whether he 'approves' of your choice of friends.!

Havalina · 03/08/2017 10:33

Omg run, he wants you twisting on his line, waiting for any attention he deigns to offer. He is so so busy at work, but then you miss one text and are fucking some random. Been there, done that, fuck that.

Havalina · 03/08/2017 10:36

Don't be so amenable, have standards is my advice

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 03/08/2017 10:39

If he really was just busy he'd be also doing his best to reassure you. He isn't.

HadronCollider · 03/08/2017 10:43

I was snapped at that I was lying about being out, that I must be with someone he would not approve of

His mood swings back and forth between being kind and thoughtful quite spiteful and patronising

Scrap what I said earlier and run for the hills. He is bad news.

eatabagofdicks · 03/08/2017 10:56

Nope. He's a head fuck, he's moody, he expects things on his terms only, he's unreasonable. This is not worth the headache. Dating 4 months in just shouldn't. Be. This. Hard.
Be done with it. I had an ex like this. It drove me crazy and I got sick of playing the 'cool girlfriend' who was understanding of everything.

Original poster
misskz88 · 03/08/2017 11:02

nachogazpacho 'Kind people who work long hard hours don't do these things.' I think this is what I wanted some reassurance about! That perhaps I was not just jumping to conclusions and that I wasn't just disregarding his stress. I know in my head I am completely sane that workload does not equate to losing your manners, but I just did not know how to quite articulate that in my own head and how to voice it. This sums it up perfectly in one tiny sentence!

My thoughts have been so conflicted over 'this is a nice guy who is just majorly stressed, let him ride it out and stay cool' VS 'he is showing his true colours, run for the hills'. I personally think the stress of work as meant he has had to let the image he first portray slip, and the mood swings are because I am calling him out on it.

I know what I need to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
misskz88 · 03/08/2017 11:04

Excuse the poor grammar and English in that last post.... I was typing erratically!

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 03/08/2017 11:04

out with someone he wouldn't approve of?

run for the hills. Hide behind the biggest one.

NotMyMonkees · 03/08/2017 11:45

Ah OK, he's a dick! Even if he only shows it when under pressure there are bound to be other times he's under pressure in life, so if he's like this when he's still on his best behaviour it's unlikely to improve.

Original poster
misskz88 · 03/08/2017 11:55

I will run! I just do not know how to best go about it.

Do I just let this play out and remain silent, do I get it over with now, or do I leave it until the end of his workload, although I am not sure he deserves the courtesy anymore as I have always been considerate until now!

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/08/2017 11:56

This guy will wreck your head, he is already showing the push me pull you style so beloved of manipulative and abusive people.

Your title alone made me immediately think that if you need help deciphering your boyfriend after so little time, then it's not right.

Your gut instinct in the OP confirmed this.

the comments after add a hint of screamingly obvious. This guy is a wrongun and you will genuinely be better off without him

He is not going to have a personality transplant. He won't get any easier to handle, people just don't, not when they are like this.

Cut your losses, go out with the friends you want to go out with and leave him to it.

PollytheDolly · 03/08/2017 11:57

Tell him now. For yourself so you can stop worrying and look forward.

Original poster
misskz88 · 03/08/2017 12:29

hissy Thank you. That seems such an extreme thing to read, but I think it has been in the back of my mind that he could be of that type of character.

A couple of things peeked my interest early on and told me just to keep my wits about me: 'hmm is he being condescending, or is he just passionate', 'why the big gestures so early on', ' why the constant talk of money and material things, yet claiming them not to be important', 'is he trying to win over my friends, or is he genuiely this great'.... I actually was thinking 'Narc' when this all kicked off, but then told myself not to be so silly as he was stressed!

I even remember saying to a friend in the very beginning 'this guy seems too good, I wonder what he is hiding'. However as he followed through with actions, like any normal person, I did have trust in him.

OP posts:
HipsterAssassin · 03/08/2017 12:30

My BF goes through periods of ridiculous work hours. He is always polite and lets me know if plans need cancelling/changing.

I would actually take great satisfaction in ghosting this head-wrecker... I know it's wrong but he doesn't deserve a nice neat ending. Have the last word here OP!

'Out with someone I won't approve of'!

Adios amigo....

Slimthistime · 03/08/2017 12:30

Tell him now
if you think he will ask a billion questions, tell him you have met someone else!!

Hissy · 03/08/2017 12:35

Manipulation/Abuse is so insidious. It seeps in bit by bit and then you are swamped.

He has been trying to impress you, fine, but if you get a whiff of a sense that he is condescending...

Your gut said Narc. why is that, do you have experience with Narcs?

Too often we explain away the teeny tiny signs. He has been getting bolder and bolder with his shoddy attitude.

Mum4Fergus · 03/08/2017 12:36

I'd cut my losses OP, you're only 4 months into this...it should be fun/honeymoon period...and not like this, sorry Confused good luck Biscuit

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