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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner does not contribute financially and I feel used

83 replies

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 20:28

Hi. I never usually post on social media sites, but I am so lonely. I want to start off by saying that I don't want to slag my partner - he has bipolar disorder which is b difficult for him and he has many good qualities. We have an 8 year old but only started living together 9 months ago when we moved house (to where he grew up, about 70 miles from where I lived). In that time - and well before - he has not worked. His bipolar disorder causes problems but not to the extent he can't work. I am self employed and am struggling massively with the house move. I have cried this week over my stress levels and only now is he talking about getting a job. Anyway, I give him £20 a week from tax credits for personal spending - what wenger from tax credits doesn't come close to paying our bills, so I am responsible for it all. He has been going to an open mic thing locally and asked me for an extra fiver this week, which I gave him. I thought it only fair he could buy a couple of pints. I had to borrow money off my mum (he didn't know this but he knows how short I am). I found out last night he spent £18 at the open mic and I got so angry. Some days it takes me hours to earn that. I spend nothing solely on myself - it all goes into the house. Despite working hard I also do the majority of housework. We are now not speaking. I genuinely don't know what to do. The house etc is mine. I feel like he has completely taken the piss. I have a teenage son and it feels like my partner is at his level developmentally! I am so lost and angry! Thanks

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 29/07/2017 20:52

I don't see what you are getting out of this relationship, sorry. Maybe he is amazing in bed, or manages to be a better father figure to your teenaged DS than he is a DP to you, but that's not evident from your post. Some people make themselves redundant in a relationship, which makes it very easy to leave them. I know that's what I'd be doing if I were in your position.

Original poster

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 21:12

Thanks. I'd say he's emotionally supportive, but just not supportive in any financial or practical way. And he's not great with my older son - friendly enough but that's about it. TBH it's not really about the money - it's the principle of him spending it in a pub when he knew how hard up I was and how much effort it takes sometimes to even earn £20.

OP posts:

BoysaDearyMe · 29/07/2017 21:23

Sounds like he's extremely selfish and invested in only himself. Can't imagine those traits are anything to do with his health condition but rather as a result of his upbringing.
It's not your job to teach an adult the value of money, I'm sure that's a job you're trying to educate your teenager on. I'd worry that he'll always be selfish while you have the role of provider and supporter.

Hard decision for you but on paper the advice would be to cut your losses now. Appreciate easier said than done though.

Anecdoche · 29/07/2017 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovelyBath77 · 29/07/2017 21:28

I also have Mh problems and can see it is difficult. Can he claim ESA or PIP? Not sure as you say he isn't bad enough not to work.It may depend if he has input from the MH team or not- they may be able to offer you some support as well. It sounds like you have more children to look after with him atm.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/07/2017 21:34

What a terrible model for your teenager.

Why doesn't DP do the housework? Surely that's his job seeing as you work. Does he at least make you a packed lunch and cook the family dinner?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2017 21:39

And you are together at all because...

What is in this relationship for you exactly?. You already have one child, why this manchild as well?.

He is indeed a terrible model for your child.

LovelyBath77 · 29/07/2017 21:55

I guess you need to separate what is due to the MH issues and what isn[t- it isn't very fair to say he's not a good role model if he is behaving the way he does due to MH. But possibly if he is not. Things can be complex especially with MH.

I have had my DH say he feels like he has three children at times with me, when I have been ill, and unable to cope and he is very supportive which i am grateful of. Maybe the mental health team could support you more?

Original poster

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 22:00

Thanks all. I actually have two children (younger with him, and a teenager) and it does embarrass me when I'm running myself ragged. His offer to get a job just seems too late now. I can't even see it happening. Anyway thanks. I thought I might be overreacting to a few quid. But it was the final straw...

OP posts:

LovelyBath77 · 29/07/2017 22:06

You are having to look after them all. Not easy at all. Is there any other support for you?

scoobydoo1971 · 29/07/2017 22:09

My OH was diagnosed with bipolar years ago. He has a full-time professional job, and it doesn't stop you working. If he respected you then he would see how the financial situation was stressful, and it would make him feel awful. He would get work and stop spending your money. It sounds like he is just dependent on you, and preoccupied with his own interests. This is not about a few quid, it is about your dignity. Get him to move out, get a job and prove to you he is worthy of being your man...if he doesn't do this, it tells you all you need to know.

Theresnonamesleft · 29/07/2017 22:11

Do he claim any benefits such as esa or pip?

LovelyBath77 · 29/07/2017 22:13

Maybe it depends on the severity, but the OP does say could work. YY to ESA / PIP, and maybe a benefit check from the CAB. And he could start looking for work. There are disability elements for those on tax credits in part time work you could look into.

annandale · 29/07/2017 22:24

It's not easy having a partner with mh difficulties. Partners who don't contribute are a nightmare. Contribution sure doesn't have to be financial. A partner at home can mean lots of support, time spent budgeting and shopping around, at least a substantial chunk of housework taken care of, homework supervised, time for the kids to talk etc etc.

If he can work, what is he doing about that? Does he get JSA? What jobs is he applying for? If he is too ill, what is he doing about that? Gp, self care, medication,exercise? Why is he drinking? My dh doesn't really drink at all because it makes his symptoms worse. And my dh can afford it. Alcohol is not a human right.

And if he is not really respecting himself or your relationship enough to be stepping up,why should you?

Rhubarbtart9 · 29/07/2017 22:30

Chuck him out. He either needs to be earning or receiving an allowance for his disability. If he's doing neither, he has to leave

Original poster

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 22:40

Re: benefits etc., he isn't registered for anything. In theory he runs a small business- in practice he hadn't made a single penny in profit in five years. He is a good dad and will look after our son if I'm working but that's it. No other input. And no, dinner isn't waiting for me after a hard day's work!

OP posts:

annandale · 29/07/2017 23:11

So does he get tax credits?

I get frustrated with what my dh does at times but yes, he cooks during the week, cleans the kitchen and the floors, does the online shop, almost all the laundry, all rubbish collections, bike maintenance, car management, birthday remembering ( I do the buying and sending when he tells me). He manages his own illness, goes to a type of coaching with the aim of future working, exercises hours a day whenever he can, never drinks, eats carefully, goes to school events if he can (often too ill). He works hard. He does creative work and sometimes sells a frw things which covers his materials. I value and appreciate all that though God knows we have times when nothing seems to work.

Do you respect him? What would help you do that?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/07/2017 23:24

What treatment is he getting for the bipolar?

FirstShinyRobe · 29/07/2017 23:32

What's your criteria for being a good dad?

PrettyGreyEyes · 29/07/2017 23:42

Have you discussed the situation with him OP? What does he say? How does he justify his inactivity? You sound amazingly capable by the way.

Original poster

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 23:59

I think Annandale you've hit the nail on the head - I think I've lost all respect for him. I've given him so much leeway because of his bipolar - I run everything when he's depressed for instance and that's ok with me. Id be happy if I earned so much that I could comfortably support us. But he's always talking about us being a team, and then spends my hard earned cash on booze. I don't feel we're a team. And I do feel a total loss of respect. He was sorry yesterday at first when he saw how upset I was, but then just got defensive. Haven't spoken since Friday evening except to say the basics. If he can't accept responsibility and apologise then I think we could be through. Which is a horrible thought but really I found life a lot easier before we moved and he lived in his own flat.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 30/07/2017 00:01

My dh has bipolar. Held down a very demanding professional job for years but recently it got too much. Our mortgage was already paid off . He retired early. Now he does housework and cooking all week while l work.
Surely he can at least apply for disability allowance as its a recognised illness and often the medication makes concentration difficult so he may not be able to work. If he gets disability make sure he pays some bills with it not just pocket money.
Biggest help to dh with bipolar is never drink. The two dont mix in my experience.

Iflyaway · 30/07/2017 00:07

in practice he hadn't made a single penny in profit in five years. He is a good dad and will look after our son if I'm working but that's it. No other input. And no, dinner isn't waiting for me after a hard day's work!

In practice my dear you have to ask yourself what is it in you that even puts up with this cocklodger?

Theresnonamesleft · 30/07/2017 00:32

he needs to put in claim for benefits.
He needs to be ensuring he is taking his
Meds.
He needs to stop alcohol. Maybe meds have an adverse reaction with the meds.

Theresnonamesleft · 30/07/2017 00:32

Many meds not maybe

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