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Original poster

Partner does not contribute financially and I feel used

83 replies

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 20:28

Hi. I never usually post on social media sites, but I am so lonely. I want to start off by saying that I don't want to slag my partner - he has bipolar disorder which is b difficult for him and he has many good qualities. We have an 8 year old but only started living together 9 months ago when we moved house (to where he grew up, about 70 miles from where I lived). In that time - and well before - he has not worked. His bipolar disorder causes problems but not to the extent he can't work. I am self employed and am struggling massively with the house move. I have cried this week over my stress levels and only now is he talking about getting a job. Anyway, I give him £20 a week from tax credits for personal spending - what wenger from tax credits doesn't come close to paying our bills, so I am responsible for it all. He has been going to an open mic thing locally and asked me for an extra fiver this week, which I gave him. I thought it only fair he could buy a couple of pints. I had to borrow money off my mum (he didn't know this but he knows how short I am). I found out last night he spent £18 at the open mic and I got so angry. Some days it takes me hours to earn that. I spend nothing solely on myself - it all goes into the house. Despite working hard I also do the majority of housework. We are now not speaking. I genuinely don't know what to do. The house etc is mine. I feel like he has completely taken the piss. I have a teenage son and it feels like my partner is at his level developmentally! I am so lost and angry! Thanks

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 30/07/2017 00:40

Why on earth isn't he claiming benefits??!###

Bloody hell op that's a lot of money you are missing and his contribution to living expenses surely?

I guess you haven't truely had to deal with him until you moved in together. Now you can see the reality of the situation and he seems to take no responsibility at all.
Get rid and be happy

Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 00:53

He isn't on any meds. He was for s year or so after a suicide attempt 6 years ago but he hated the side effects. I've tried to support him going med free. Takes much effort.
Re: benefits - I kept suggesting this a few years ago but he claimed it would be giving in. Again, I kind of see his point in trying to manage without - I don't think he likes admitting he's as ill as he is - so to do so might make him feel even worse.
I don't know...it's a mess...I paid for private therapy a while back ;due to massive NHS waiting list) which helped a bit, but I can't afford that!
I work as a therapist myself, and train people to be therapists, so I've gained so much knowledge and try to be so fair, which was kind of ok until I've felt I'm being made a fool of.
And you're all right - he shouldn't drink - doesn't help at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 00:56

Just to be clear, I did know this would be the biggest potential problem when we moved in together- his lack of financial contribution - and we had the chat etc. But that was 9 months ago and he's not contributed a penny.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 30/07/2017 00:57

He's an arse. There's many different meds. Not all have side effects.

Isetan · 30/07/2017 05:28

You haven't been supporting him, you've been enabling him.
He is using you but not without your permission.
You haven't lost any power, you've surrendered it.

You've spent a ridiculous amount of time enabling the person he is whilst expecting him to be different. Everyone's has their role in a relationship dynamic and you've chosen one of downtrodden martyr. You have and always had, choices, isn't it time you started making better ones with regards to this man?

A lack of boundaries, invites a lack of respect.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2017 06:39

Just end it already.

Rhubarbtart9 · 30/07/2017 07:08

He would have two choices with me. Get financial benefits for his condition or get a job or leave. Put the options to him and let him choose. You can't continue as you are.

Stop giving him cash. You don't have any spare. You don't even have cash to clothe yourself while he sips his unessessary beers. He can earn his own. Tell him to look for zero hours contracts so he can work as much or as little as he needs to manage.

isitjustme2017 · 30/07/2017 07:34

Sorry OP but bipolar or not, you need to give him an ultimatum. Claim benefits and help out financially or leave. His pride is coming before his relationship. He doesn't want to 'give in' but is happy to see you struggle an be stressed (while drinking your money).
He is not putting you first (or the DC). You are the one giving him money so just stop doing that.
He is taking the piss out of you and will continue to do so while you let him.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 30/07/2017 07:38

Really confused by MN responses sometimes.

He has bipolar disorder.
He hasn't worked in years and OP knew this when she had a child with him.
He looks after the child when OP is working which is a contribution to family life in the same way that plenty of SAHMs make to their own families.
He's supposedly a "cocklodger" for not having OP's dinner on the table when she gets in from work. Hmm

SMH.

Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 07:46

Yes all the above is true. I did know of his condition and his lifestyle. But it took years of discussion to decide to move in together and me being very blunt about what I expected from him. He sometimes looks after our child but I do the vast, vast majority of childcare so he's not really like a SAHM ( also child is at school so it's only sometimes in holidays that childcare is necessary). But yes you're right, I did go in with full knowledge of what he's like - he was so desperate for this move I just thought things would be different.

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 30/07/2017 07:53

ShowMePotatoSalad yes but OP also said they had a conversation before moving in together about money. He clearly has not kept up his end of the bargain and also clearly does not contribute to family like either. Nothing like a SAHM!!!
Most SAHM don't go out drinking when they have no money either.

Neutrogena · 30/07/2017 07:55

He's taking the piss out of you. Stop being a doormat and do something about it.

Rhubarbtart9 · 30/07/2017 07:57

So is your life better in the area you're in now?

Has he parents he can go live with?

Rhubarbtart9 · 30/07/2017 07:58

By better, I mean does the area offer more to your families quality of life

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2017 08:01

Op how was he surviving before you moved in together? How was he paying to live then? Was he living independently or with parents who financially supported him?

Alittlepotofrosie · 30/07/2017 08:04

Of course he was desperate for you to move in. He's got you exactly where he wants you. Why should he want to change?

Sounds like its run its course. There's plenry of other good men out there that would demonstrate a basic level of consideration for you.

Isetan · 30/07/2017 08:21

He was desperate to move in for his convenience, not yours! Your stubborn hope that he will morph into someone he isn't and clearly doesn't want to be, has led you here.

By choosing to stay with someone who doesn't want the same things as you, you're wilfully cutting off potential avenues of happiness and fulfilment. What are you scared of?

The answers to why you are in this situation are more likely to be found with you and not him.

paddlenorapaddle · 30/07/2017 08:35

You live you learn let yourself off the hook. You have tried and he blew it time to let him take responsibility for himself

He's not helping himself at all no meds, no counselling you running around after him all but wiping his backside for him, giving him a little pocket change so he can feel better

Is this bi polar diagnosis an official one ? mental illness doesn't stop you contributing when you can

Time to draw your boundaries just like a child he's crossed the line time for the consequences

But then I suspect you knew this would happen the question is why would you do that to yourself

GreenTulips · 30/07/2017 08:48

It's not the same as a SAHP

I was one - I looked after the kids the josie the food shop - shopped round - saved pennies - never went out - cooked tea - bathed the kids etc

I studied to career change and volunteered to make that happen

Huge difference!

OP can you move back? Did you have family suppprt at the other place?

Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 08:48

No, we are far further from family down here. It's lovely - by the sea - an ok place, but his parents and my m now live over 70 miles away. I. Past his gran was giving him lots of handouts for doing her garden etc. He also got housing benefit and minimal tax credits for the business which he falsely put in claims for on the basis it made money. I gave him some handouts too and eg always bought food for the whole weekend etc. Yes, I've made myself a doormat and I take full responsibility! I was a single mum for 11 years and did just fine. But I see the problems that can cause for a child (no dad) so that's probably partly the reason I e bent over backwards to make this work. That and the fact that it's been lovely to have a partner (on some levels) after so many years of being single.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 08:50

Btw - I am grateful for all your replies. I don't have a single friend down here yet and it's difficult finding the time to meet up with any old friends.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 30/07/2017 09:26

It looks like everyone has been enabling him then.
Claiming benefits is not 'giving in'. Having his own cash and financially contributing may even help him feel better.

As others have said, there are other meds.
Ignoring his problem helps no one.

Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 09:46

Yes I could move back. I own the house. I'd lost a bit on house moves and the area we came from was more expensive, but bit of cash loss and downsizing and it's doable. And very tempting. Ironically I'm about to run a course in confidence building and self esteem today!!! Ha ha

OP posts:
LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 10:23

You are claiming tax credits as a family I guess, so is he just on the claim as self employed with zero profit? Or unemployed. Because in the next few years it is supposed to be changing to universal credit and he will be expected to have a 'minimum income floor' basically the same amount as someone on a full time minimum income job would. he will get a job coach and I have heard people with health conditions are sometimes now expected to do the same amount of hours. So what it practice this means is that your income will get calculated as if he is in work. I think anyway! My husband in self employed and has IBD so not sure what will happen, but he does make at least several K profit each year.

Who knows maybe it will be the push he needs? The change is meant to be happening 2019-2022 burt is for new claims at the mo.

If he's not on meds and not in touch with MH service I doubt he'd get PIP or ESA as they are very evidence based and usually require specialist input, or he'd possibly get WRAG ESA (work related activity group) meaning he'd need to go to appts and job search etc. In fact MIND benefits service told me they are increasingly putting people in this group, now, rather than turning them down. It is same money as jobseekers though and not sure he'd be eligible due to your earnings.

Maybe a benefit check at CAB for the family might help? Not sure.

It's a bit rubbish he doesn't do more at home.

LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 10:24

Good luck with the course today Clair

Also you could out your info in claiming alone in the calculators so see if it would work for you on your own.

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