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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner does not contribute financially and I feel used

83 replies

Claireanne1971 · 29/07/2017 20:28

Hi. I never usually post on social media sites, but I am so lonely. I want to start off by saying that I don't want to slag my partner - he has bipolar disorder which is b difficult for him and he has many good qualities. We have an 8 year old but only started living together 9 months ago when we moved house (to where he grew up, about 70 miles from where I lived). In that time - and well before - he has not worked. His bipolar disorder causes problems but not to the extent he can't work. I am self employed and am struggling massively with the house move. I have cried this week over my stress levels and only now is he talking about getting a job. Anyway, I give him £20 a week from tax credits for personal spending - what wenger from tax credits doesn't come close to paying our bills, so I am responsible for it all. He has been going to an open mic thing locally and asked me for an extra fiver this week, which I gave him. I thought it only fair he could buy a couple of pints. I had to borrow money off my mum (he didn't know this but he knows how short I am). I found out last night he spent £18 at the open mic and I got so angry. Some days it takes me hours to earn that. I spend nothing solely on myself - it all goes into the house. Despite working hard I also do the majority of housework. We are now not speaking. I genuinely don't know what to do. The house etc is mine. I feel like he has completely taken the piss. I have a teenage son and it feels like my partner is at his level developmentally! I am so lost and angry! Thanks

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 30/07/2017 10:36

Theresnonamesleft - people with bipolar generally have to take a mood stabiliser rather than antidepressants and they do have side effects, not very nice ones.

OP, I am in a similar position to you, even down to the same job! My DP doesn't have MH problems though, but he doesn't work since the family business imploded last August.

Like Annandale's DP he does something creative which brings in a bit of cash for him, but not for the household. I have two kids (who aren't his) and am responsible for paying all the rent and bills which is a lot of pressure sometimes, although I'd have to do that whether he lived with us or not. I don't get maintenance from their dad as we have 50/50 residency, which works well for us all.

I guess the difference is, my DP does all the cooking and 80% of the cleaning/housework. Which I think excludes him from cocklodger status but not sure! He'll also look after my kids through the holidays while I'm at work and will babysit in the evenings if I ever want to go to a class or see friends. While I would like him to work at least part time as I think it would be good for him, he does get quite down at times, him being at home has allowed me to focus on and build my career as he's supported me through really intensive training courses and studying.

Is there a reason you feel you can't talk to him about doing more to help out around the house? Maybe if he took care of everything at home you wouldn't feel so used? I do feel for you, the job we do is emotionally demanding and exhausting, and coming home to all the shit work on top of that must be really hard Flowers

LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 10:42

Booze is not good with MH.

In my case I do most of the children's care when I can, cleaning, all shopping and cooking for the family. I also transfer £600 each month to DH towards mortgage and bills, and pay for the food shopping which is usually about £500 a month. this is from my part of the tax credits ESA / PIP.

I take it in your case you get all the parts of the tax credits paid to you?

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2017 10:45

So he was getting tax credits befor, but has stopped claiming them when he.moved in with you? Has he also stopped doing his grans garden so he can live off you?

Are you sure he's not claiming and just keeping rhe money to himself?

Tilapia · 30/07/2017 10:46

My cousin is bipolar, so I know it can make holding down a job difficult. But why on earth can't he be responsible for the cooking and cleaning, and be nicer to your older child?

annandale · 30/07/2017 12:08

Sorry haven't read all the respones.

The trouble with ideas on here is that you can't just walk up to an ill person and say 'mumsnet says you need to give up alcohol and claim benefits and can you give the meds another go even though you felt shit on them'. It has to come from him. Ultimately you are only responsible for your own life; I would say get some NHS counselling or talk to Rethink (very helpful) and think about what you want for the future.

I'm sorry but if there were a thread from a SAHM with school age children who wasn't doing any cooking or housework there would absolutely not be total support for that on here. SAHP of babies or toddlers is a different job.

Original poster
Claireanne1971 · 30/07/2017 13:26

This has all been so helpful. We have just had a HUGE chat. He has promised to start looking for jobs as from tomorrow. In the meantime he is going to do all shopping and cooking which, frankly, will make a huge difference. As well as do the kitchen. I think it's at least half my fault for creating the mess but I'm prepared to give him a chance re:
Doing his share of housework and also looming for a job. And yes, it is hard dealing with someone else's MH issues and not end up doing everything for them. Life is just hard I guess. Thanks all xx

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2017 13:31

And you believe him?.

And why now as well?. He is probably telling you what you want to hear; this is all far too little and far too late from him. He knows he has gone too far hence he saying all this now.

What example as well is he setting to your children?. Are you really still putting his interests before theirs?. Is this man really worth all this?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2017 13:33

"The answers to why you are in this situation are more likely to be found with you and not him".

Isetan's above comment earlier on was spot on.

What needs does this man meet within you; are you a rescuer, saviour, people pleaser or codependent when it comes to relationships?.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/07/2017 13:36

One thing l find is some people think when they say they are going to do something they have already done it. The proof is will he actually do it. I dont think they actually lie just never get around to it and if you complain they say..l said l would do it..well bloody well do it then!!
Hope he does but dont count on it.

titchy · 30/07/2017 13:38

Don't be so daft OP he's not going to change. He'll make a small effort this week, which will totally stress him out and he'll have to do nothing for the next fortnight to recover. Oh and he'll need some cash from you to go out which he'll need to do to relieve the stress of washing up for a week.

You are an utter utter fool to go along with this and a crap parent for setting such a shite example to your kids.

LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 14:17

Wow- this is really making me think as is pretty similar to our situation except the other way round-

DH owns house, works long hrs self employed, I'm not working due to MH, school age children.

Starting to think he maybe feels like you do. I posted about him being critical, and he has said he thinks I maybe need to get a part time job. It's given me a bit of insight into how he's feeling.

In our case though he gets the working part of tax credit and I get the child part- that's usually how tax credits pays it and I feel better not having to ask him for money and the like.

titchy · 30/07/2017 15:11

Do you leave him to do all the housework, cooking and childcare as well though loveybath?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 30/07/2017 15:13

Get.Rid.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 30/07/2017 15:51

And how convenient for him that you moved 70 miles away from family support (and to where he grew up). His choice by any chance?

He wanted to move in together because it would make his life even cushier. And by separating you from everyone you know he's made it more likely (and by the sound of it succeeded) that you will find it much more difficult to walk away.

Bipolar or not, he sounds extremely self serving and manipulative. His efforts to find work and do more in the house - I give it a week. And then he'll live off that for months, throwing it back at you that he DID do some cooking, and he TRIED to find a job.

RidingWindhorses · 30/07/2017 16:10

I think you're basically a therapist in a relationship with a patient. I understand he wasn't your patient, but that's the dynamic here. Also parent-child.

Of course he says he will do all this stuff because he can see his gravy train potentially departing. But give it another 9 months and you'll be right back where you started.

Given the changes to ESA and PIP it will be very difficult to claim either. It's no longer about genuine need, but about cutting costs.
He would need evidence of input from a consultant. Taking no medication won't help. He's needs to get help from CAB and benefitsandwork.co.uk to fill in the forms.

LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 16:43

he does quite a bit Titchy

It is interesting though to think of the response if a woman posted on here that they had MH problems, husband wanted them to get a job and they had to ask for money to go out, and the husband wished to have dinner on the table when they got in.

Would they say the husband should 'get rid' of them, or something else like the husband was financially abusive or something else?

(not saying you are btw OP but just thinking...)

DownTownAbbey · 30/07/2017 16:53

I find the idea that claiming benefits is 'giving up' a bit odd from a man who seems happy to give up on his business, work, housekeeping etc. The sort of people who have strong moral objections to claiming benefits are usually determined to be self sufficient.

Clearly he doesn't mind you giving up stuff (time, effort, money) so he can feel good about not giving up his rather peculiar principles.

RidingWindhorses · 30/07/2017 17:17

If a man posted here describing the same scenario he would get the same response.

LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 17:39

I doubt if the person with the MH difficulties would.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 30/07/2017 18:06

Lovelybath He's a cocklodger. How do you not see that. I guess some people are happy to put up with such utter shit. Others are not.

RidingWindhorses · 30/07/2017 18:14

I think a person posting with MH difficulties in this scenario is unlikely to be completely honest about the extent to which they did fuck all. They'd know full well what response they'd get.

If someone told me this in real life I'd have to be honest about needing to get money coming in whether it's from the DSS or some kind of part time work. And the need to pull their weight at home. It doesn't sound like this man actually can't work he is choosing not to. I would gently but firmly suggest the ways in which they could get themselves back into productive activity. I know from my own experience that that is actually very important to good mental health.

PrettyGreyEyes · 31/07/2017 08:35

Be careful you dont end up like my friend OP. Her long term partner (10 years) hasnt worked for 7 years. She is a stockbroker's daughter & a v high earner. They have no DC. He begrudgingly does a little housework. He supposedly has depression. Its funny though how he manages to go out and get pissed though while symultaneously sex-pesting a couple of her friends. When he left ini, he said his ambition was to marry a rich woman and give up work. She's seething and feels she cant kick him out as he's estranged from all family.

PrettyGreyEyes · 31/07/2017 08:35

uni

LovelyBath77 · 31/07/2017 10:20

So am I too a cocklodger??

Because I have MH problems and can't work, doesn't mean someone is just using that you know.

I do hope to with time but for some people it isn't that easy. Also there is huge discrimination against those with MH problems when applying for work.

LovelyBath77 · 31/07/2017 10:21

I'm pretty honest most days I go out to the gym as it's part of my care plan to exercise and i often go sit in the library and drink free waitrose coffee!

If I stayed home i'd be miserable, cleaning or whatever.