Partner does not contribute financially and I feel used

[Claireanne1971]

Hi. I never usually post on social media sites, but I am so lonely. I want to start off by saying that I don't want to slag my partner - he has bipolar disorder which is b difficult for him and he has many good qualities. We have an 8 year old but only started living together 9 months ago when we moved house (to where he grew up, about 70 miles from where I lived). In that time - and well before - he has not worked. His bipolar disorder causes problems but not to the extent he can't work. I am self employed and am struggling massively with the house move. I have cried this week over my stress levels and only now is he talking about getting a job. Anyway, I give him £20 a week from tax credits for personal spending - what wenger from tax credits doesn't come close to paying our bills, so I am responsible for it all. He has been going to an open mic thing locally and asked me for an extra fiver this week, which I gave him. I thought it only fair he could buy a couple of pints. I had to borrow money off my mum (he didn't know this but he knows how short I am). I found out last night he spent £18 at the open mic and I got so angry. Some days it takes me hours to earn that. I spend nothing solely on myself - it all goes into the house. Despite working hard I also do the majority of housework. We are now not speaking. I genuinely don't know what to do. The house etc is mine. I feel like he has completely taken the piss. I have a teenage son and it feels like my partner is at his level developmentally! I am so lost and angry! Thanks

Ah this is what this is all about. Do you do stuff around the home?

Just read your recent thread Bath - seems you do childcare and housework. A cock-lodger is someone who does nothing.

Is there any connection between your poor MH and your critical and controlling husband? You say it feels less stressful by yourself. And you sometimes think about moving out.

Bath - I'd expect you to either earn some cash if you're not too bad or claim relative benefits if you are unable to work. However if you're pulling your weight at home, that does change things

Flame away but I think if you can go to the gym daily and sit drinking coffee in a library, you could work albeit part time as your DH thinks.

Exactly. This kind of "well, would you say it about ME?" thing is meant to induce guilt, but all I can think is, yes! If you're bragging about your library trips and "care plan" that you spend all day doing instead of being "miserable" while cleaning, it's big girl pants time. Sometimes we must do things that make us miserable. You don't get a magic free pass on making an effort, even when it's miserable, just because of mental illness.

When someone has a moan about how contributing makes them miserable, while they quite enjoy a range of self-improving hobbies, yes, I'd say that person's a drain, not a good partner, regardless of their sex or the hobbies.

Womb Well said, I agree wholeheartedly. It came across as poor me and bragging to me also. As for the being miserable cleaning, er that is just real life isn't it?!

For me the crux of being in a good relationship is that both parties divide up the responsibilities in a way that seems fair to them and doesn't lead to resentment on either part. I have had severe PND and my husband has had a serious illness. We managed because one of us took on more whilst the other needed help. We still love each other, more than ever and I think that is because we have been able to rely on each other and move on. Now it is more or less equal depending on who is busier with work

Thank you for your kind comments. As well as MH condition I also have a life threatening physical one, and although I'd like to, they keep me in the support group atm.

I find your attitudes quite dismissive of those with MH conditions to be honest and also of men. So, I'm leaving this thread now.

Hope the OP finds a way forward for her family. Kind thoughts.