Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

[Ifonlyhewould]

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

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Well done you!! Thats great news! That will be a new focus for you other than DH. Something for yourself.

To be honest with you regarding DP i'm not really sure. I'm still working on the running away fund just in case but, i have created a good little set up for myself here. Its not ideal i suppose but it works well for me. Plus there is the fact that despite his terrible behaviour towards me, i do love him I know i shouldn't but, i feel sorry for him. I think he has issues with himself that even he doesn't understand.
What I am trying to do is work on myself, toughen up, increase my self esteem so that his behaviour doesn't affect me. So far so good, although to be honest I have been keeping myself to myself as much as possible. Until I feel totally confident that's the way I'm going to keep it.

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IOHW - when he comes through the door, does he look you in the eye, or in the .....? Seriously, glad things are looking up - in every way!

Ginnedup, good luck with the job interview and hope ds2's 'sore thrope' gets better soon . I know what you mean about feeling our own problems are minor when reading about others. I feel the same - though I tactfully told dp yesterday that I'd looked up a website about blood pressure and strokes, which said that one way of reducing blood pressure was to cut down on alcohol. Plus he has an op next week and if his bp is still up, he won't get it. Didn't stop him having his usual wine hit last night though . If his bp IS up next week and he has to postpone his op I shall be VERY cross!

Glad you feeling better IOHW, listen we are def not here to judge sometimes you make the best of your situation. It sounds positive that he is changing in reaction to you feeling more confident. I am sure this can only get better if you continue to prioritise yourself he might just inadvertantly follow suit. I really hope so as breaking up will be very hard on all of you and if you can work things out GOOD, as you said the basis is still there, you still love him! As for the mini skirts and vests are they mad it's freezing here.

Thank you Ginnedup, I hope DS is feeling better soon, poor little thing. Make sure you keep posting!

Hi Tanee - he walks in the door and looks at me sort of warily IYKWIM. As if he is waiting to see if i'm going to talk first. I think he has noticed that i'm not doing all the work. He has definately noticed the bazooka's Ive caught him having a sneaky look. Mind you, i'm not hiding them you know, they are nothing to be ashamed of these days, they are stunning!
My fake tan wears off more quickly in the cleavage area now though. I look a bit odd when naked with a white streak right down the centre.

Thank you Lily and I really hope you are right. I am going to keep up with my strategy, it's not easy sometimes as I'm so used to putting his needs, moods, everything before mine. I'm having to be very selfish, well it feels like i'm being selfish. The main thing is it's working and for the first time in a long time i'm not getting hurt by his rejection, moods etc.
He actually read a book to DD on Sunday night. It was so lovely to watch them together and I know it won't have come easily to him because 1. he's not into reading at all! and 2. he's just not a natural hands on dad. But he did it and it was lovely. It all helps doesn't it.
Yes, mini skirts!! And vest tops!! Ive only just stopped wearing me scarf!!

Can't imagine how hard putting yourself first must be IOHW habits are hard to break. Great news about the story it does sound as if he is trying to make an effort. I am sure your dd loved it.

IOHW just a quickie as I'm shattered! Just wanted to say hello and add my two pence worth!

I think the way you're coping and your strategy is fantastic. You have shown such strength throughout all of this.

I am also of the opinion that if there is ever a way to save a happy relationship then both people should give it everything they've got before giving up.

However, it concerns me when you say about having a nice set up there. I know you have your own room and space. You have enough money to look after you and dd. You are a fantastic mum and have great times with dd. And you are now managing to have some nice family moments with dp.

But do you think this is the life you deserve?? Really?? I'm not saying people don't need to work at relationships (we all do!) but your every move is carefully considered and thought out. You don't greet your partner with a big kiss and cuddle and then chat about your day. You don't have special moments or romantic evenings together. You plan everything you do, carefully, and all of it around how it may or may not affect dp.

(You know this is in no way a criticism - my relationship is as far away from perfect as it gets so I am in no place to judge. I say this though genuine concern as a friend.)

He shows you no respect and no love. I worry that you somewhow feel that this is 'as good as it gets' and as long as he's not angry, arguing, upset... then it's ok!

It's not ok!

You deserve a loving, equal relationship in all respects. A man who will cherish you and make you feel secure, happy and content. And you can have all of that.
You just need to believe it yourself first.

Sorry - don't mean to preach. But I do worry so very much about you and your capacity to forgive, and continue to give without ever getting anything in return - it's amazing. Just re-read this thread to see what I mean.

Like I say - you have to do what's best and if there's any hope in changing his behaviour, getting him to see sense and salvaging the relationship, then I would stay with him. If you know deep down he'll never change, please, do not settle for second best.

You're worth so much more

(sorry - I have a total inability to do a short post!!)

Hi MLS

Thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me. I can agree with what you say, every word is true.

At this moment in time all I want is to be happy. And I am happy. I know my situation is far from perfect but it is working for me and DD. I am beginning to feel like a different person. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. Its been such a long time since Ive felt like this. Ive spent such a long time buried under a dark cloud, feeling low and terribly miserable, its so wonderful to feel as good as i'm feeling at the moment. I realise that this is due to both my adapting my situation to suit me and to the AD's but, it's working! And while i'm feeling this good i'm loathe to change anything.
I watched DP with DD the other night and it gave me hope. It might not be much to some but it is something, and it gives me something to work on. He saw mw struggling to start the lawn mower last night and he came out to help me. Again, not much, but it made my evening!!

You aren't the first person to comment on my capacity to forgive, some see it as a weakness, that I am some sort of doormat. As i see it, if it weren't for my capacity to forgive, If I hadn't been able to forgive everyone who has ever failed me or hurt me during my past then, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would be so screwed up with bitterness that noone would want to know me. I am quite proud of the fact that I am able to forgive and move forward with life.

Don't worry, I am still working on the running away fund and I am not making any hard and fast decsions about what is going to happen. I'm just enjoying the moment

Hi Lily DD did love it

I have spent a long time wallowing in a sort of depression, DP and his feelings for me and his treatment of me dominating my thoughts, 24/7. It did my head in! Now, I feel I have stepped out of that. i don't look for his approval, his permission, his love. I ask or wait for nothing. Now, i do everything within my power to make myself happy. I have removed the cause of my depression.
Now, if DP shows signs of affection, whether that be helping me with the lawn mower, reading DD a book, it is because he wants to, if he starts to turn around things towards me that also is because he wants to, not because ive nagged him to or put pressure on him to do it, (which i did when I would ask him why he couldn't show me love)
I have realised that while I was wallowing in that depression I wasn't helping my own case very much, even I didn't like myself so I can't have seemed very attractive to him either. Now he see's a happy woman and the changes are definately obvious If he is going to show me love it will be because he feels love and he wants to love me.

But, if things don't work out, if things don't change so that we can enjoy a fulfilling relationship at least if we part, I hope we will be parting as friends. I hope that we will have managed to work our way through all the horrible stuff and that we can walk away knowing that we did everything possible, everything within our power to make it work. I really do think we both owe that to our lovely DD.

YES, I know, ive rambled MLS post got me thinking and its been going over in my mind while i was walking to school.

Good for you! I wanted to say all of that last night as I was worried about you but you're obviously very clear about what is happening now and you seem to be doing all the right things. The actions of dp are also very promising and you can see he's now doing these things because he wants to - that's the key.

I don't see your capacity to forgive as a weakness. No way. It shows enormous strength and I bet everyone on here would agree with me on that.

Keep doing what you're doing - it's obviously working and you're obviously heading in the right direction

(I can feel that meet up for a celebratory drink coming sooner than we thought! )

9I think forgiveness is a great virtue - although it can be more fun to hate - but I do think you're doing so admirably - and it looks like it's paying off - wow, help with the lawnmower. I'm not sure dp knows where ours is (actually, it's still in my parents shed since all our stuff went into storage whilst housebuying last year - memo - must retrieve mower before I find tigers amongst the long grass) . And as you say, whatever happens, it'll ease things for DD if you're not tearing each other to shreds in front of her and can show her that you're still friends.

BEST of luck. have to go soon as picking up me dad from hospital later - nothing serious, just some tests - and am not absolutely sure of the route. It'll be a dry run for dp's op next week. Catch up with you all soon.

Thank you guys

Who knows what the outcome will be but at least I'm enjoying the journey.

I am soooooooooooooo looking forward to meeting up for that celebratory drink MLS, although I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. One drink and I'm anybodys for a bag of crisps!

Will have to hide the crisps then iohw . The most fantastic thing about this thread is the change in you. I was just re reading some of your earlier posts and cannot believe how much more posisitve you sound about yourself.

Ifonlyhewould - Glad to read that you are feeling happier. I hope everything works out for the three of you. Best wishes.

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at hiding the crisps and the thought of all those gel bra's!!!

Lily, even I cannot believe how different I feel, i really do feel like a different person. I wake up each morning with baited breath just in case ive slipped back into that black hole. I go to bed on a night praying i will have another day like the one ive just enjoyed. After so long of feeling so miserable i just want this feeling to last for ever. Yes, i'm feeling happy and it's all thanks to me! (with some credit to you guys for being so lovely, so supportive and so helpful. And the gel bra of course and i suppose the AD's) but after years of pining for DP, waiting for him to make me happy, I did it all by myself!

I just hope i can keep it up!!

Here here

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Ifonlyhewould my hat off to you...I'm so pleased for you!

Thank you GUM and Upsadaisy I must dmit, i can't bring myself to read through the whole of my thread, i don't even want to think about where I was a few weeks ago. I read someone elses thread this morning, along similar lines to mine but i had to leave it alone, i'm not ready for 'revisiting' yet. I'm quite happy with my head in the clouds

Thats great news re the job GUM, im so pleased for you. Thats great news re having an whole evening to MN too! You are doing well too you know. You have been through a lot yourself but you manage to keep bouncing back. I'm rooting for you!

Completely understand about not being able to re-read the thread. That's why I had to leave my first thread when it all blew up again - quite painful to read and re-live the feelings.

Head in the clouds and happiness sounds perfect!

I don't ever want to come back from where I came from. It was a very dark place. It's much nicer where I am now xx

that should be 'go' not 'come'

It must be a friday night thing! I can't get out what I want to say tonight and can't spell on any of the threads!

Time for a glass of wine me thinks... Then I'll have something to blame