Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel I'm living up to an 'ideal'

108 replies

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 19:33

Does anyone know what I mean when you feel in a marriage or relationship, nothing you seem to do is ever good enough? If the dinner is not made for 6pm, if you have taken the children out and the house is not as tidy as it could be, or if you have stayed home and tidied then it is commented on that the children have not been out Hmm I don't actually think it is possible to be perfect, or do all these things at once. But it seems to be interpreted as me 'not caring'. or taken personally, feel like I am judges on these, small things. I have to say none of this has ever been said, it's just how I feel. Also, when I ask what he likes to eat, he won't tell me, seems to expect me to 'know'. It's weird. I don't know how to explain really. Just wondered of anyone knew how I feel.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/07/2017 19:39

Is maybe that thing where the person isn't in love with you. They had an idea of the perfect partner and life for them and the actual person is almost irrelevant. All they care about is their dream life, the other person is like an accessory, an appliance, who is faulty if not sticking to their partner's dreamed up plan. Your personality and own needs are an annoyance to such fantasies.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 19:40

I hope not. We have been together 18 years...

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/07/2017 19:46

When did it start? Sounds awfully wearing. Does he think you are a bit dim?

Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 19:47

Throw it back at him. So if he comments on the house, tell him he can always sort it out. If he comments on the kids not being out, tell him he can always take them out. And don't give a shit

Wishimaywishimight · 26/07/2017 19:49

Seems more like a hyper critical boss than a partner! Sounds pretty shit OP & not at all like a loving, equal partnership.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 19:50

That is a terrible way to live

Fairybella · 26/07/2017 19:57

Been there... broke me eventually.. don't think I'll ever feel comfortable again and always feel that these expectations are there.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:03

I don't know if it is me interpreting it like this though- often he is just moody from work and maybe I take it personally. i'm not sure. Always been a bit like it but worse since the children came along.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:10

Just heard him in the kitchen cross that the cream was off! This will be seen as my fault for not clearing it out or something Confused I have to say sometimes I smile a bit at the daftness of it, to kind of deal with it. I don't get upset, just sort of raise my eyebrows in a hmm, these days and stay quiet.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:11

Rhubarb yes I do that as well, sometimes.

OP posts:
Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 20:24

My DH sometimes moans if we are out of toothpaste or whatever. It's like I have responsibility for everything home based - even when I'm not there. I usually tell him 'oh well you know where Tescos is' or 'you've got two legs, use them'. I think your DH needs a bout of being solely responsible for the house and kids at the same time.

Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 20:26

Or have a laugh about his pedantic behaviour - 'news flash! Crime of the century. Busy mother leaves lid of milk'

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 20:30

Cream is off ?

You know where the shop is

Dinner not to your satisfaction ?

You know where the fridge is

House not clean enough ?

You know where the hoover is

Why do women put up with this shit? Were you raised to beleive you were handmaids to men ?

Fuck your indulgent eye roll. I hope you don't teach your children that women are nothing more than domestic appliances

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:31

Yes, I agree Rhubarb.

The annoying thing is, he is very efficient (much more than me) when it comes to house stuff and the children. He is self employed and working a lot, and things are better when he is not. For example while camping he does all the cooking etc, shopping, kids help with washing up... I wonder whether he just vents a bit his stress in small things. I have heard of this, (in CBT) low frustration tolerance i think it is called. When you are stressed and you take it out in road range or small things trigger you.

I sometimes think about moving out into my own wee place. It feels less stressful by myself. But we have been together a long while and been through a lot and when it comes to the serious stuff, he is there. The boys adore him and he is very good with them, and the parenting, doing things I struggle with getting them to do like bathing and washing hair, cutting their nails, putting them to bed etc. So, I'm not sure. Things are sometimes not simple.

With regard toothpaste and stuff like that, I have started a system of doing an online shop and asking him what stuff he wants, (razors etc) and get it all at once. So if he moans, well he didn't tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:32

Anyfucker Yes, I do more than the eye roll Hmm and use all of those at times thanks.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 20:37

Give me the snake eye Hmm if you wish

Venting on here is a waste of time if you carry on excusing your entitled husband and letting him make you question yourself

Summerswallow · 26/07/2017 20:39

Being criticised was the one thing that nearly made me leave my marriage. As I explained to my husband, I managed 30 odd years on this planet just fine, having friends, cooking, cleaning, working and enjoying my life, I don't need helpful hints or criticisms or someone making me feel bad about stuff, because I did just fine before and I would do just fine again. He was very critical early on and I just couldn't hack it. He has changed, he had to, I couldn't live under that type of scrutiny and why should I?

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:40

I was looking for support and understanding, to be honest not criticism. I personally find starting comments with "You" isn't helpful, it just leads to arguments and blaming, it is more helpful not to. Please don't some on my post telling me what to do and act.

By the way, I usually respect your posts on other threads Anyfucker but tonight I seem to have caused you to be cross.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:41

Summer so what changed, you talking with him about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 20:45

Just to mention I posted on here as thought was a better place for more sensitive matters than AIBU, maybe I was wrong. Please can people be kind, or not post, many thanks.

OP posts:
Laska5772 · 26/07/2017 20:46

Weve been together 24 years .. my DH buys all his own toiletries/ clothes etc . If he hasnt got any of 'his' special tootpaste shower gel , hair stuff etc, then he has to use whats there..

Not my department.

With food we both cook , no rota just who ever fancies it ..Dh is a good cook - I usually buy stuff during the week as I am here more than and then we one or other of us cook using whats there .. (we do have very similar food tastes though) If he (or I) want to cook something special (for the both of us obvs) we plan for it ourselves, buy it andcook it ..

He does most of the cleaning these days .. I do clean also but hes got a thing about cleaning .. it used to annoy me if he cleaned again , but now i just let him get on with it .. Whats not to like about not having to get the vacumn out.?

We also have a list of things to get on the fridge, so who ever is going to shop takes the list . We both work f/t, but theres just us two now, kids. have flown, ( but its always been like this )

LikeARedBalloon · 26/07/2017 20:46

Runrabbit....your first post described my old life. I was never good enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
OP - it doesn't get better. I was worn down completely until I found the courage to leave. It's been a few years now but I will still feel a feeling of panic if I fine we're out of bread or haven't run the Hoover round. Ridiculous as my now DP would never question my actions. Then that realisation makes me smile and I feel happy and sort of free 😄
I hope you manage to find the same. You are good enough Flowers

DragonNoodleCake · 26/07/2017 20:47

I feel like that - but not in the situations you describe.
'You need to be healthier' I agreed, used this as s good time to switch up to healthier lifestyle. 'You just want to go exercise all the time' 'you never want the food I make' (Sausage n chips Hmm)

'I love that you do so well in your career' 'can't you just take tomorrow off' 'what do you mean you have a conference call til 5pm?' 'Can't you just do 8-4' everyday?''if you drop DD2 at 7.30am and pick her up at 5pm' (with a 45 minute commute each day hmmm)

'What do you mean you can manage?'

Well I mean - whilst you were working away I worked full time, managed to get DD2 everywhere (with DD1's help) supported DD1 through a teenage pg, (having found out at 33 weeks) having my DGS, poor DD1 having PND, kept the house tidy, the laundry done and just about kept my sanity, so now you are home and NOT working I'm taking some time out to concentrate on exercising.

I'm sorry to hijack the post but I just wanted to empathise and got carried away with my moan

Laska5772 · 26/07/2017 20:50

I suppose what I am saying is that this stuff should ideally be shared.and not just be one persons responsibility. if its doesnt feel like a partnership ( however you divvy up household tasks in your particular relationship ) . its going to feel unequal..

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 20:51

I do get cross, op, when I see good women compromising themselves for the sake of a man

Is being the keeper of the cream a role you envisaged in your future ?