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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel I'm living up to an 'ideal'

108 replies

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 19:33

Does anyone know what I mean when you feel in a marriage or relationship, nothing you seem to do is ever good enough? If the dinner is not made for 6pm, if you have taken the children out and the house is not as tidy as it could be, or if you have stayed home and tidied then it is commented on that the children have not been out I don't actually think it is possible to be perfect, or do all these things at once. But it seems to be interpreted as me 'not caring'. or taken personally, feel like I am judges on these, small things. I have to say none of this has ever been said, it's just how I feel. Also, when I ask what he likes to eat, he won't tell me, seems to expect me to 'know'. It's weird. I don't know how to explain really. Just wondered of anyone knew how I feel.

OP posts:

Forwardsforwards · 26/07/2017 20:51

Lovely it's been my experience that you're probably never going to 'win'. The goalposts will continue to shift.

Does he actually see 'you' or does he see 'wife, ergo possession' Run makes a very astute observation. At least, it's one I can relate to.

Do you by any chance find yourself behaving defensively around him? I remember doing that a lot. I felt like a wounded animal. In truth, I was.

Things are still uber-complicated, but, once I removed 'me & fault' it was easier to depersonalise. Step back a little.

Take care OP....

outabout · 26/07/2017 20:56

@ AnyF%%ker, its not a 'gender' issue it's a person issue. I have had to put up with years of this sort of crap and I'm not a woman.
On occasions I might say 'damn the milk is off or we have run out', but I would not 'expect' anyone else to fix it as I am perfectly capable of sorting it out myself.

Forwardsforwards · 26/07/2017 20:59

I'm certainly not Any's spokesperson ... but she's coming from a pro-woman, fair's fair perspective.

Maybe you're feeling wounded and the words are jarring to you? I'm trying to be kind and hope I've understood your reaction.

I'm sorry you're going through this xx

I recognise it because it was me too.

Forwardsforwards · 26/07/2017 21:02

Erm, apologies, pro-women prob NOT best phrase in this context.

I'll shut up now

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 21:02

Since this is a woman posting about a hypercritical man I don't think we can ignore the gender bias, since it is staring us right in the face

40andFat · 26/07/2017 21:06

It does sound like maybe you could do with an assertiveness course or some counselling to address how you feel. I say that because you seem to think he is better at managing everything than you. This could have come from years of subtle put downs or your low self esteem.
Really you need to just tell him how you feel he makes you feel. What he could do to make you feel better, maybe even scare him a bit and say you're fantasising about s life alone where you don't feel like you never measure up.
Only then will you truly know how he feels it needs to be said. When you bottle things up they magnify and mutilply once they are out in the open they normally get dealt with. Wishing you luck.

MarciaBlaine · 26/07/2017 21:25

My dh is quite the perfectionist. If he has had a bad day at work he will come home and clean and tidy things and tut a bit. Years ago, this made me feel a bit defensive and arguments would ensue. I found the happy way to go was to ignore him and let him get on with it. Cleaning got done ;-). In his case it is way of controlling his "environment". If I am in a good mood, I might offer to make him a cup of tea after he has run the hoover round and cleared all surfaces...

Summerswallow · 26/07/2017 21:34

First, I just ignored any huffing and puffing that wasn't actually directed at me. So 'ugh, this milk is off, this is so annoying' isn't necessarily directed at you and you don't need to take it on- he's perfectly able to buy milk and unless you agreed you are the milk monitor, there's no need to leap in and get all defensive. That cut out about half of the perceived criticism, as I was hyper-vigilant about being criticized so tended to be overly defensive and leap in and defend myself even when no actual criticism was being made.

Second, I treated some of it with humour. My husband wasn't always being nasty, but he is (still is!) a know-it-all and likes to tell you how to do stuff- so he'd say 'what you need to do is stack the dishwasher with the plates on top and then do the cutlery afterwards...' sometimes this was helpful, but a lot of the time, it felt like being ordered about, so I just made a joke of it 'thanks, imagine if I hadn't met you and I had gone through my entire life with all my plate and cutlery just piling up around me because I didn't know how to wash it...oh, hang on...' which diffused the situation but also drew attention to his know it all ways.

But, one point when he was down and we were struggling I just told him bluntly- I don't want to live with someone criticizing me all day, I just don't want to get up every day to be told I could do things better, differently, faster, I think I'm a nice person, and can live just fine, and if you don't agree, then please leave as I'd rather than than you live with me and pick holes in the way I do things all the time. And I meant it.

He doesn't do it so much now. I think it was a habit, and a product of him being very stressed at work. But it is very wearing to be constantly not quite good enough, especially when you are just fine as you are. Remember that, it may shift your thinking, perhaps he needs to change his ways if he's to keep you happy and this marriage on track.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2017 21:37

I don't mind "perfectionists" who indulge their need for "high standards" in their own time. Who roll their sleeves up and scrub the bog to a high shine themselves

It's the ones who expect others, usually women, to measure up to their perfection that piss me off

thegoodnameshadgone · 26/07/2017 21:38

After 18 years is this a new thing?

AWhistlingWoman · 26/07/2017 21:53

Oh lovely you have my sympathy. I feel that same, that I will never be good enough for my DH, we have been together nearly 20 years!

I found two things helped ease the situation (although I shouldn't have let it develop in the first place!)

(i) I went back to work full-time and told him he had to do more about the house and with the children (3DC). He wasn't so quick to criticise when he realised that it isn't that easy to have a spotless house, dinner on the table and entertained kids by the end of the day.

(ii) He yelled at me about how 'messy' I was. I am naturally far less tidy than he is. We both knew this going in. I am messy but not dirty, just clutter type stuff? I have loads of beauty products and books that I am not good at putting away. But he was also 'counting' all the children's mess against me somehow? I needed to set him straight on that one.

It still isn't a great situation, to be honest. I don't always feel particularly comfortable in my own home because I feel (rightly or wrongly) that DH is sitting in judgement over me.

Forwards your post made me cry. I hope things are better for you now.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 26/07/2017 22:07

I think the best approach is to delegate anything you're not doing well enough to the critical person, given that they would presumably do it better. That way you have a much more efficient division of labour.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 22:15

Thanks for the messages, it is helpful. And sorry to hear some of you feel the same way.

OP posts:

BlackStars · 26/07/2017 22:45

I get the 'We aren't very good at cooking' when he's speaking on the phone to whoever - despite the fact he has probably actually cooked about 100 times over 20 years - I cook for guests family etc and they don't seem disappointed.
I also get the 'I clean much better than you' but given that I clean every day and you do it 'thoroughly' every 6 months or so when the house is a shit tip I should be grateful.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 22:47

Ah yes, I get the telling how to do things as well thing is, often he's right ands it is a better way. Very annoying.

OP posts:

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 22:48

But, you can do the "you're so much better at (whatever it is)" and make it their thing.

OP posts:

AWhistlingWoman · 26/07/2017 22:56

Lovely - did you and your DH get together quite young? I think that hasn't helped my situation as we have been together since our school days and he gradually became more and more critical once we had children. It kind of crept up on me! I was too tired to nip it in the bud when they were small.

tickertyboo · 26/07/2017 23:42

LovelyBath77, you sound very lonely. It sounds as if every responsibility has been taken away from you by your husband. It seems to me that you don't really have a very strong sense of self, because he has prevented you from developing one by his controlling behaviour.

Please try and do something for yourself which does not involve his interference and criticism. Some study or an interest outside of your home would be a good start. I think it may help you a great deal. I hope you find out who you are.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2017 00:28

I used to ask a few times what he wanted to do/ eat etc, offer choices , now I don't bother as much. I ask once, then say we are both adults, I'm not going to expend energy trying to work out what you want so I will cook/ plan what I like. If he cares he can respond to the question.

tipsytrifle · 27/07/2017 00:52

The trap here is in your thread title. Clearly you are failing to live up to an ideal in his eyes, which have become your eyes too. Hyper-criticism is an emotional abuse in my experienced view. There's plenty enough shit going on in the world without the cream being off counted as a major player. I say this as one who left an 18yr long non-relationship of this kind. I say this as someone who agrees with AF. I also say this as thinking that if he's so aggravated at things not being done as he likes, and he hasn't the option of doing it himself, then he kind of has to suck it up. You aren't him.

Maybe he should love you for who you are, how you do stuff, not as he (and now you) would like you to be. Ideals aren't real life, they're aspirations. Your thread title and posts are at odds with each other. You don't feel you're "living up" to these expectations at all, do you?

Forwardsforwards · 27/07/2017 01:10

Thanks a whistling !

Slowly but surely. One day at a time. Yes wounded, but I'm healing myself. My feelings of genuine worth will return. I'm sure of it.

I hope you will be ok. I'm saddened by these situations we find ourselves in....

Atenco · 27/07/2017 02:17

Sorry OP, I kind of agree with AF. Your marriage sounds like something from the 1950s

junebirthdaygirl · 27/07/2017 09:43

One tip l learnt is to totally let rip every now and then.. Not often. It has to be sudden and a total surprise. So next time he tutts or sighs or gives his very annoying criticism fire on all cylinders telling him you are not putting up with his carry on and to quit commenting etc etc. Then sit down calmly and have a cup of tea. Its a habit he has got into and he needs shocked out of.
It worked for me. And stopped the niggling resentment as it cleared the air.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 27/07/2017 10:36

I do agree as well with what AF says, it has all been food for thought. It's how to deal with it which is the main thing.

I am starting reading a book called Nonviolent communication which helps. And thanks for the suggestions, as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 27/07/2017 10:44

I did mentioned I'm not posting in AIBU and not wanting to know if people agree with me, or not. Sometimes situations are complex, and here I'm mainly stating how I feel. I notice my brother also has something similar with his wife (she is bossy with him) and both of use grew up with a critical, difficult mother. I'm not sure but feel it may be something to do with us and how we respond to things and maybe take things personally. As well.

OP posts:

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